“Shane, last night wasn’t part of your past. Last night was last night. You were with her after I let you…have me last week and the week before that!”
“It wasn’t what you thought it was, baby. It’s all just an act.”
Silence greeted him. Her eyes held his. “Shane. Can you honestly tell me that you have never been intimate with her?”
Another sigh. “I don’t want to have this conversation now, baby. We don’t have enough time to talk it out, deal with it, and move on.”
“Well, guess what? I don’t care! Let me tell you where I am coming from. You drop into my boring life, giving me a glimpse of what life could be outside this apartment and this clinic. I let you in and you’ve got to know I never do that. I let you in my bed and I let you in my life. We have a couple of weeks of a whirlwind that includes me finding out that you weren’t who you said you were. Then bam, you’re gone with promises that you don’t keep. Then I see you, practically having sex on the dance floor with another woman, one you’ve obviously been involved with before. So here is me telling you, I don’t give a shit whether or not you want to have this conversation!”
Slowly nodding, he sighed heavily as he admitted, “You’re right. Rocky and I worked together on this case. She is DEA and went under about a year after I did. She was workin’ the drugged out prostitutes while I was working the transporters and the dogs. You want it baby, here it is. Sometimes when you’re under, you gotta’ act like the animals you’re associating with to get information or just to prove loyalty. There were some skanks I fucked just to keep up my cover or get information. It was physical, and I made sure I was protected ‘cause I had no idea what diseases they probably had.”
Annie winced as though in pain, but he held her fast to him with his hands to her hips and kept going.
“It was dark and fucked up, but I was determined to do what I had to do to get the information I needed. I met Rocky and found out she was undercover too. We worked the relationship that was advantageous to both of us. We made it look like we hooked up and that kept others from sniffin’ around too much. And yeah, it got physical. But that was still all it was to me. Just physical. I liked her, but I didn’t love her. I respected the work she did, but baby, she did not share my bed all night.”
“Stop. I don’t want to hear anymore.” Annie shook her head from side to side, not able to hide the pain that sliced across her features. “Just stop. I thought I could do wild and unpredictable. I thought that’s what I needed in my life, but Shane, newsflash – I can’t. You’ve got me so twisted and turned, I don’t know what is real anymore. All I know is I fell for you and this,” pointing between them, “hurts.”
“No baby. This isn’t finished and I’m not about to leave this shit in the middle. Found out later that she was married.”
Annie looked up sharply at that revelation.
“Yeah. She went undercover as a married woman, which is all kinds of fucked up. Turns out she was wantin’ to leave her marriage anyway, but she was still married when fuckin’ me. I was pissed when I found out. Found out later that her husband got wind of what was happening and filed for divorce.”
“She wanted you,” Annie said simply, understanding instinctively why a woman would want Shane.
“Yeah, but it wasn’t gonna happen.” He peered deeply into her eyes, as he continued. “I didn’t love her. And I was never gonna love her. She wasn’t it for me. And I sure as hell couldn’t be with a woman who was a cheater. And most of all…ah hell baby…she wasn’t sunshine.”
Annie’s brow crinkled in thought as she tried to take in all he was saying, feeling overwhelmed by their conversation.
“Told you baby. I lived in darkness for two years. I did shit I’m not proud of to fit into that world, and yes that included other women. But none of them gave me sunshine. Not one. Not ever. Not until you.”
Placing his hands on either side of her face, he leaned forward until his breath was mingling with hers. “Felt that sunshine on my face and baby, I can’t live without it.” With that, he kissed her gently, slowly moving his lips over hers. Feeling moisture on his face, he leaned back seeing silent tears slide down her cheeks.
Her breathing hitched as she said, “I don’t know what to do with all of this. I can barely take it all in, much less process it.”
Leaning forward again so that his forehead touched hers, they sat in silence for a few minutes.
“Just to let you know about last night. We were just out to be seen by anyone who might still have eyes out for me or her. I wasn’t given a choice in my debriefing. I had to pull away from you and keep attention off of you for two more weeks to keep you safe while the DEA is getting ready to move in again. That’s all it was for me. A job. Rocky knows the deal. She knows she was never it for me and never will be. She may have cheated on her husband, but she truly felt bad about last night. Before I went under, I never even came close to fallin’ in love. Never took a woman home to meet my family. Couple of years ago I got to meet the woman my friend Tom fell in love with and knew then that one day I wanted that. Just didn’t find it until you.”