Jake rubbed at his eyes and met her gaze. “There is just no getting through to you what I really am down inside, is there?”
“I do see that man, Daddy. I saw him when you put that gun to Mike Holt’s head and pulled the trigger. But I refuse to recognize that man as my loving and gentle father. He’s not the man who is married to the most devoted and gracious woman I know—the man who has grandchildren who need to see their grandpa come back home to the J&L, and when he does, they need him to be the only kind of man they’ve ever known as their grandfather.”
Jake sighed, rubbing at his eyes again. “Right now I hardly know that man.”
“He’s there, Daddy, down inside you, and I pray for him all the time. You keep saying you should have died many times over. You did die. The old Jake died when he met my mother. And right now she’s feeling so alone. Go in that other room, and you be with Mother. You hold her, and you show her that this time she doesn’t have to suffer alone. Brian is going to bring Katie in here to spend some time with Lloyd. When he does, you go over there and talk to Mother. Share this with her. God gave her to you so you could share the hurt. This is hard for her, too, Daddy. What you’re doing now is the same as when you yelled at her—or when you ride away every time something bad happens. You can’t keep doing that to her. Lloyd wouldn’t want you to, so go see her—for his sake. If he was able, he’d be scolding you something awful right now.”
Jake’s eyes teared. “I can’t—”
“Yes, you can! What you can’t do is keep burying your feelings, because they are too strong and too deep now. Pray with me, Daddy. Take my hands. I’ll do the praying, but you have to open your heart and believe Lloyd will live. You have such powerful emotions, Daddy. Put them into faith and prayer, and God will hear you. I pray for you all the time. Give me your hands and pray with me, Daddy.”
Jake put his head in his hands again. “No. I’m not a praying man.”
“And that’s a lie! You wear your mother’s crucifix all the time. Don’t tell me you don’t pray, Daddy. I know better! Give me your hands!” He still held his head, and Evie daringly reached out and grabbed his hands away. He jerked again, but she refused to let go. She met his eyes squarely. “Keep it up, and you’ll hurt my arms!” she told him. “Is that what you want? To be that outlaw who hurts people? Or can I just hold the hands of my father? Which is it? I’m not afraid of either one!”
For a brief moment, Evie almost gasped at the look in his eyes—a glimpse of the man her mother met thirty years ago—the man who scared Randy so badly that she shot him. He suddenly softened then, his grip gentler. He rubbed the back of her hands with his thumbs. He leaned down then to rest his head against her hands. “I should go to her.”
“Yes, you should. But first we’re going to pray, Daddy. I’m praying right now. I’m asking God to please, please let Lloyd live.” She squeezed her father’s hands. “He’s still so young, and he’s such a good and loving son and brother, a good husband and father. Please, Lord, let him live. And protect my father. Bring him back from that dark place and show him the light. Help him understand You’ve forgiven his past and that all the good things around him now are Your blessings, and he deserves those blessings, because deep inside the man, there is that little boy who just wants to be loved, that little boy who never asked for all that horror. Help him see and accept all the love we have for him.”
Jake let go of her hands and rose. “Just pray for Lloyd, baby girl. I’ll manage on my own.”
“God has been with you every step of the way, Daddy, and you don’t even know it. Do you have any idea how hard God works to wrestle down that other man inside you? He’s very difficult to deal with, but he doesn’t scare God one bit, and he doesn’t scare me either. I just realized Mom felt that way, too. She actually met that other Jake, and she stood right up to him, didn’t she?”
He managed a smile. “Your mother can be quite the opponent once she decides to put up a fight. She’s surprisingly brave and strong willed when she’s mad, especially for someone so small.”
“And big, bad Jake Harkner wouldn’t harm a hair on her head. If she came at you with a frying pan, the worst you would do is cover your head with your arms.”
“And I have no doubt she has fantasized about using that frying pan on me more than once.”
Evie took hope in the remark—a sign of the sense of humor her father possessed when his dark side retreated. She rose and faced him. “Go see her, Daddy. She needs you…the strong and sure husband you are, not that other man.”