“Grampa, that’s terrible!” Stephen told him, looking ready to cry again.
Jake took the cigarette from his lips and just stared at it for several quiet seconds. “I have scars on my back from all the beatings, often with the buckle end of a belt. Someday I’ll show you the scars, but not today.” He looked at Ben. “Now you know why I attacked your father, Ben—why I took you away from all that. I knew what that was like.”
Ben quickly wiped at silent tears. “I won’t forget what you did. I’ll be a good son.”
“You’re a wonderful son. I don’t regret for one minute taking you into our home.” Jake sighed. “As far as what happened after my mother and brother were murdered, I lived in hell for seven more years. When I was fifteen, I found my father…doing something bad to a young girl I cared about. He was a big, strong, brutal man who drank too much. The only way I could think to stop him was to shoot him…so I did. I didn’t mean to kill him. I just wanted to stop him.”
He took another drag on the cigarette. “So yes, I killed my own father. And back then, I didn’t know a bullet could go through one person into another. When I shot my father, I accidentally killed that young girl, too. I’ll never forget that or forgive myself for it. I just didn’t know what I was doing, and I was scared, afraid people would accuse me of murder when it wasn’t that at all. I rode off scared to death I’d hang for it, so I joined up with a gang of outlaws, and for the next several years, that’s how I lived—robbing and killing and learning I was damn good with a gun. I felt like a worthless murderer and figured maybe that’s all I’d ever be known for, so why should I care about living any other way?”
He smoked again, then reached over to flick the cigarette into a bucket of water kept in the barn for such things. He ran a hand through his hair and rubbed at his eyes. “I didn’t used to be able to talk about this, but a preacher, and Randy, helped me learn to deal with it and taught me I was better off talking about it than holding it all inside. It’s up to you boys to decide how you feel about what I did. And I don’t want you telling Little Jake yet. I’ll decide when to tell him.”
“Okay, Pa,” Ben told him, his eyes wide and curious.
Stephen shook his head. “It’s okay, Grampa. You were a kid like us and didn’t know what else to do.”
Jake smiled sadly, taking Stephen’s hand. “Stephen, I hid the truth from your father till he was almost grown. He found out everything when I was arrested after years of running and they took me to prison. I didn’t even do some of the things they accused me of, but I ran with some really bad men, so I was accused of all the things they did. When Lloyd found out, it hurt him really bad. He’d always looked up to me. So he went on kind of a rampage against me, because my going to prison cost him the woman he loved…your mother. Her father found out she was in love with the son of an outlaw, so he took her away. Lloyd never knew she was carrying you, Stephen, until almost five years later. That was a really bad time for Lloyd. He ran off while I was in prison, and he lived like an outlaw himself.”
“Will he get mad if I ask him about it?”
“I don’t think so, but let me say something to him first. I just want you to know that my not telling Lloyd the truth about my past caused a big rift between him and me that broke my heart. I lost my son for a while. I never want that to happen between me and any of my grandchildren, or to you and your father, Stephen. Your grandmother preaches to me constantly about telling all of you the truth, so that’s what I’m doing—and for me to be able to talk about it at all is a miracle, and it’s all thanks to Randy. There are some things you just never quite get over, boys, things that live down deep inside that sometimes come back to revisit you in bad ways. That happens to me sometimes. Randy has taught me it’s okay to let people love me, because I’ve never felt I deserved it. Evie has also taught me a lot about love and forgiveness. She has a beautiful soul, boys, and I think it all comes from Randy. God knows it couldn’t have been me. Don’t ever underestimate how bad a life I led for a while, because I was as bad as they come. You might as well know it.”
“Some of Aunt Evie’s goodness does come from you, Grampa,” Stephen told him. “You love all of us real good. That must mean you’re good inside, too.”
Jake couldn’t answer right away. He swallowed before speaking again. “Well, I guess that’s for God to decide when I meet my Maker.” He turned to Ben. “And don’t ever, ever be afraid of me, Ben, no matter what you hear from other people—understand?” He looked at Stephen. “Understand? As bad as I was in the past, I never hurt a child or a woman.”