Love’s Sweet Revenge(169)

Jake closed the Bible and set it aside. He just sat there, leaning forward, saying nothing.

“That’s how I’ve always felt, Jake. All the times you tried to leave, I wanted to go with you. You’ve never understood that a hard life with you meant so much more to me than an easy one without you. I think Evie wanted you to read that because she knows that no matter what happens, we belong together. We have followed each other to hell and back, and here we are…just you and me. Some day when one of us dies, the other will die soon after, because we can’t be without each other. And we’ll be buried…right up here at this line shack…where we can see the J&L below us.” Her voice broke, and she put a shaking hand to her mouth.

“Talk about it, Randy.” Jake didn’t make a move toward her. “All these years you’ve told me I shouldn’t keep things inside—that I should talk about it. It took me years to finally open up about my father to you—years longer to open up about him to Lloyd and Evie—even longer to tell the grandkids. Don’t let this fester and change you from the vibrant, joyful, gracious woman I’ve lived with for the last thirty years.”

She jerked with sobs. “I just…want you to make it…go away.”

He still didn’t move, petrified he’d break the spell. “Tell me how. I don’t want to do one thing you aren’t ready for or one thing that will make you retreat back into that shell.”

“But you’re my Jake. You know how to…make it go away. You always make it beautiful.” She pulled a blanket closer around her face. “You never asked me…in all our years together…to do anything…like that. You probably did that with those…other women…but—”

“Randy!” He spoke her name firmly. “There is a big difference between just feeling good and feeling…I don’t know…satisfied in so many other ways. I’d never use you like that! In all these years, I’ve never used you just to feel good. It’s always been so much more. Even that first time in that wagon, I felt crazy with the want of you—all of you—the whole woman. I knew how dangerous it was to feel like that for a woman I didn’t deserve. If it was just to feel good, I could have left and done that at any brothel, but it was so much more than that. I didn’t want it to be just a good time with a lonely widow woman. That’s why I fought it. That’s why I tried to make you hate me. I knew that if I gave in to those feelings, I’d be lost forever, and you’d learn what hell is like, and you were too good and sweet for that. Hell was me! And once I gave in to that weak moment, I knew the least I could do was always make it special and beautiful and that I would never do anything with you that you wouldn’t like or anything that would make you feel used or disgraced or dishonored. Every time I touch you, it’s because I honor you and need you and adore you and love you more than my own life.”

She didn’t answer right away. She just watched him, crying. “Jake, when you first rode away—back in Kansas—I cried and cried,” she finally said. “I didn’t want you to go. I was so scared, heading west alone. And then that awful…trading post…and that snakebite. And then…there you were!” She wiped at tears as she sat up, moving to the edge of the bed. “When I heard your voice…and I felt you lifting me up…I thought, It’s Jake. It’s my Jake. It didn’t matter that we’d never…done anything yet. I wasn’t even thinking about that. I just felt so…so incredibly safe. And that first time…” She covered her face. “I just wanted to be a part of Jake Harkner. I wanted to share your soul, Jake. I wanted us to melt into each other and just be one. It’s like you said. It meant so much more than just feeling good. You’ve always…made it so nice and so…beautiful…and they went and—”

She felt him lifting her, pulling her into his arms so her feet were off the floor. She wrapped her arms around his neck and cried. “Do you know…how much I love you for…never asking for more…than I could give?”

“All I’ve ever asked for is that you love me, mi querida. It’s your love that makes me feel good—your love that pleases me.”

“Take me back, Jake. I want it to be like it used to be,” she sobbed. “You know how. My Jake knows how.”

“You’re all bruised up. I’ll hurt you.”

“You would never hurt me. You’re always so gentle and kind and—”