The room hung silent except for the sound of steam softly drifting from a kettle on the stove and quiet giggles from Tricia and Sadie, who played with dolls in a far corner.
“Daddy, I know without one doubt that God will welcome you with open arms when the time comes.”
“Well, I guess that’s something only I will know, isn’t it…and probably sooner than later.”
Little Jake kept his big, dark eyes focused on his grandfather. “You didn’t like your daddy very much, did you? He wasn’t very nice. And that mean man in that courtroom yelled that you killed him,” the boy said.
More silence. Jake never took his eyes off Little Jake. “Do you think that makes me a bad man?”
Randy closed her eyes and looked away. She knew what the conversation was doing to Jake.
The boy slowly shook his head. “No. He was the bad man. Did your daddy kill your mommy? I bet that’s why you said her and your brother were gone the next day.”
“Little Jake!” Brian scolded. “Your grandfather told you to wait with your questions!”
Jake still held his grandson’s gaze, amazed at the boy’s insight and seeing himself in those dark eyes.
Thick tension over how Jake might react to the conversation permeated the room. Jake said nothing for several long seconds.
“Yes,” he finally answered honestly. “My father was the meanest man I’ve ever known, Little Jake, and I’ve run with some of the meanest. I was pretty damn mean myself for a long time after I killed him. I want you to understand that, Little Jake. You’re anxious to get your hands on my guns, and some day they’ll be yours, but by God, you are going to learn to respect them for what they are and never think of them as something to play with or that they’re famous just because I was good with them. I’ve done a lot of bad things with guns, things I’m not proud of. I don’t want you or Ben or Stephen bragging what a great man your grandfather was, because he wasn’t. I wasn’t anything more than a lost young man who robbed and looted and gambled and drank—and when I drank, I sometimes got as mean as my father did. That’s why you’ve never seen me drink around any of you, and you never will. And you need to realize that when you kill a man it stays with you, sometimes forever. I hope to hell none of you ever has to know that feeling. People think it doesn’t bother me, but it damn well does, more than anybody knows, except possibly your grandmother. I just never talk about it.”
Jake pointed to Randy. “That beautiful woman over there saved my life, Little Jake. I didn’t know a damn thing about love until she came along. She is the only thing that keeps me from falling right back into that old life. When I start falling, she pulls me right back. They don’t come any better than your grandmother. I want all three of you boys to remember that, and you respect her and love her like nobody’s business. Understand?”
All three boys nodded, wide-eyed.
“The same goes for your own mothers. I can tell you for a fact that a good and loving mother is something to be treasured and respected and loved and cared for. If my mother were alive today, she’d be living right here in this house with me, and she’d not be allowed to do a lick of work. And if she wanted Mass every single day, I’d find a way to make that happen. And when I’m no longer here on this earth—and it’s a damn miracle I am still here—all you boys need to take over watching out for your grandmother and your mothers.”
He looked at Ben and Stephen again. “And I want all of you to remember what can happen to people you love if you fall in with the wrong kind of men. Once you do that and you take the wrong path in life, it never really leaves you, and innocent people suffer. When it’s the people closest to you, it hurts… It hurts forever.” He pointed to where his gun belt hung high on a hook near the door—too high for any child to reach. “And it all started with a gun—me shooting my father. So when you start learning how to use guns yourself, you respect them for what they’re meant for—hunting and protection and nothing more. Not for bragging, not for thrills, and not for committing crimes. Do all of you understand what I’m telling you?”
Little Jake sniffed and angrily wiped at tears. “Don’t talk about when you aren’t here to take care of Grandma,” he told Jake. “I don’t wanna think about you not bein’ here with us. And you’re not bad, Grampa. You’re not! I want to grow up to be just like you ’cause there ain’t nobody better.”
“Isn’t, Little Jake, not ain’t,” Evie corrected him softly. “And you’re right. There’s nobody better. If you want to be just like Grandpa, that’s just fine.” She looked at Lloyd. “What do you think, Lloyd?”