Sarah sat down on the grass and I followed her. She helped me get my footing to sit and we looked out at the green pasture. “I’ve never had someone offer anything like that for my family. I’m not real sure I could take it.”
I placed my hand on top of hers. “It’s a gift, Sarah. When I get it, I want it to be a gift.”
“So, are we talkin’ like a grand? Dave would crap his pants if we had a grand.”
I laughed, realizing how much different money was from where I was from. “I’m talking like twenty-five grand.”
Sarah started to cry. “I can’t let you do that.”
“Yes, you can.”
She wept in my lap for the longest time and it was the first time I’d ever felt someone being grateful for something I was going to do. It made me feel so good to be able to offer something to them. After all, they were all I had and I wanted my daughter to always know she could count on them if something happened to me. That’s what led me to my next statement. “Sarah, before the baby is born, I wanted to ask you something. You can talk to Dave about it, but it’s important to me to have it in order.”
“Anything.” She wiped her eyes and perked up.
“I want to sit down with a lawyer and have something drawn up, in case something happens to me. I don’t want her being taken by the state.”
“I would never let that happen.”
“There’s one more thing. If something does happen to me, I want you to find Brooks. I’ll make sure his parents contact information is in the documents. He deserves to know about his daughter. I know it would mean the world to him.”
Sarah agreed, but a few minutes later, she had another question for me and I wasn’t all the way prepared to answer it.
“Katy, I’m wondering how you’re goin’ to feel once she’s here. I mean, you obviously still love the man. I can’t blame you for that, but can you honestly raise her without telling him she exists?”
I started to tear up. “I don’t know. I think about it every single day. It eats me up inside. There’s nothing I want more than to show Brooks what our love made together. He’s away for the next two and a half years. By the time he comes home, she’ll already be walking around. I feel like it will be too late for him to understand and I sure as hell can’t send it to him in a letter, not that I even know an address to send it to.”
She held my hand again. “No matter what you decide, I’ll stand by you. I just don’t want to see the regret in your eyes every time we talk about him.”
She didn’t understand that I woke up with that regret and went to sleep with it at night.
Chapter 17
July 4th 2011
“Katy, where are you?” I heard Sarah calling me, but I was too busy trying to find a sundress that didn’t make me look like a beached whale.
“I’m back here.”
Sarah came walking in wearing an American flag themed dress. “Aw, don’t you look cute?”
“Don’t even go there. I can’t even see my whole body in the mirror anymore.”
“Oh please. You’re the cutest pregnant woman I’ve ever seen. Besides, you’ve got a hot guy that would do anything for you. What do you care what anyone else thinks?”
I smiled, thinking about Bobby. In the past three months we’d been spending one night a week together. Sometimes he would take me out to dinner. Other times we would rent a movie and just hang out at either of our houses.
It wasn’t anything serious, considering that I was growing by the second. Sure, we’d kissed and I enjoyed his company, but we both knew I’d never be able to really love someone again.
“Yeah, Bobby’s nice.”
“Nice? Is that what you call it? I’d say he’s smitten over you. Dave said you’re all he talks about. They can’t even go huntin’ now without him talkin’ about you and the baby.”
I rolled my eyes, assuming she was exaggerating. “I wouldn’t go that far. It ain’t like we’re madly in love, Sarah. We’re just good friends that enjoy each other’s company.”
She laughed at me and watched me change my outfit again. When I’d exhausted my options, in which I mean I tried on the only three dresses that fit, I decided that I didn’t care anymore. It was hot as Hell and I hated being pregnant in it.
This was my first Fourth of July living in Sumter, but I’d already seen the way the town celebrated. They had a parade practically once a month and the volunteer firemen were the next best thing since chocolate was invented. Coming from a place like the District of Columbia, where paid firefighters and police officers were one in every third person on the street, it was still hard for me to understand.