Melissa was in the driveway waiting. Her face showed that she was not only still my friend, but also a concerned one at that.
“I guess this is it?” she asked as I approached. “Are you sure you want to do this?”
“I don’t have a choice. They’re the only family I have and I know they hate me.”
“Will you call me when you’re safe?” I felt bad that she was concerned.
“I’ll send word your way that I’m fine. I’ll try to keep in touch.”
“This isn’t goodbye. I’m going to hunt you down if I have to.”
I hugged her tight. “Thank you for today and everything else. I’m sorry I lied to you.”
She pulled away. “Given the circumstances, I get it. Don’t worry about me. You take care of yourself.”
She waved as I pulled away, and to be honest, I seriously contemplated driving myself off a bridge. I had nothing to live for; no reason to continue going on. The only thing that was coming my way was pain and loneliness and it was all my fault. I was a horrible person that needed to suffer for hurting them.
I don’t remember half of my drive, or even the fact that I’d crossed over state lines twice. All I knew was that I was sitting in front of a country restaurant and it was dark outside. Opposite the building, there was a motel lit up with the word “Vacancy.”
I parked my car and checked my face, realizing that it was completely swelled and impossible to hide. Then I walked inside to get a room.
Thirty-seven dollars later, I was walking inside a room that looked like a horror movie had been filmed in it. Unable to care about anything, I fell down on the bed and let out the rest of the tears that I had in me. Exhaustion had taken over and I was tired of fighting it. My last thoughts were of Brooks and how twenty-four hours before I was in his arms.
I hugged the pillow and fell asleep, unable to accept that I’d walked away from the only family I had left.
Chapter 13
Waking up in a filthy motel only reminded me of how messed up my life was. I hadn’t just given up on my love life. I’d left everything behind.
School.
Friends.
Family.
Everything!
I sat up and looked around the room, noticing the old wallpaper was peeling in the corners. Just being inside of a place so dilapidated made me need to take a shower. After going outside and getting my toiletry bag, I locked the door, attached the chain and headed into the bathroom. A roach was crawling around the bottom of the tub and I was too tired to even care. I turned the water on and watched him circling around the drain. That was how I felt; like my whole life was circling around a drain, waiting to be drowned by misery.
I waited for the water to get hot and the bug to have fallen down the opening before stepping inside. The hot water fell over top of my traumatized body. I closed my eyes and tried to recuperate enough to run the soap over my skin. As my hand stroked my arm, I thought about Brooks touching me. I imagined the way his lips had felt against my skin.
Just seconds after stepping in, my legs gave way. I fell down and crouched myself into a ball, then buried my face between my legs and let out even more agonizing thoughts. It wasn’t just the fact that I was completely alone. I was utterly broken.
I’d destroyed my life, and I wished that I had enough guts to take a bottle of pills and douse them in a bottle of alcohol, knowing that when I closed my eyes they would never open again.
I felt as if I’d reached the lowest point in life and that trying to overcome it wouldn’t just be impossible, but it was unattainable.
I stayed in the shower until the cold water became unbearable. Shivering, I climbed out and dressed into something comfortable. My journey wasn’t over. It had only just begun. My motivation was finding distance and I knew the further I drove it would better the chance of them never being able to find me. I wanted to be invisible, so they could pretend that I didn’t exist.
After checking out, I got back on the road, stopping at a branch of my bank to withdrawal all of my funds. It was a good thing that I used a well reputable bank with locations in all fifty states, otherwise I would have been screwed. It wasn’t like I was able to think rationally. There was too much running through my head all at once.
All I knew was that I couldn’t leave them clues. I couldn’t have them searching for me and finding me, because I’d left a trail of receipts. I needed to remove the evidence and never use the account again.
One thousand and forty-six dollars later, I was stuffing my savings account into my purse and praying it would last me until I could find work and a place to call home.
After driving another day, only stopping at rest-stops to use the bathroom and buy stale vending machine snacks or get gas, I had entered into South Carolina. Not only did I enjoy the country views, but it felt like I was meant to call it home.