We started walking toward his room. I pulled my hand away from his and crossed my arms over my chest. “People say the truth when they’re drunk.”
“Not all the time. His issues are with me.”
I stopped walking, causing him to stop as well. “Maybe I shouldn’t go through with it?”
His face changed before my eyes. I saw pain when I looked at him, and it was almost like I could feel it radiating through me. “Don’t say things like that.”
“No. I mean it. I’ve been having all these feelings and I can’t shake them.”
We started walking again until we came to his room number. “This is me.” He looked down at his key card. “Listen, get some sleep and things will be all better tomorrow. You can marry Branch and start your happy lives together.”
He started to open his door and the words blurted out of my mouth unexpectedly. “Do you still love me, Brooks?”
He leaned his head on the door and closed his eyes. I wanted him to look at me, but he wouldn’t turn around. “Don’t do this, Kat. You’ve been drinking and you’re upset at Branch.”
“It’s a yes or no answer.”
He finally turned around. “It changes nothing.”
My bottom lip started to quiver, and I could feel myself breaking down. I was standing in front of someone that I’d been in love with for as long as I could remember. Every time we’d touched, even when I didn’t know it was him, it was intense. We had this connection and it pulled me toward him, no matter how much I fought it.
I closed my eyes and let the next question come directly from my heart. “What if I don’t know how to stop loving you?”
Time stood still as I looked up into his baby-blues and peered into his soul. His eyes started to get glossy and he bit down on his lip, while pondering how to respond to me. I covered my mouth and started crying again. Brooks pulled me into a hug and kissed the top of my head. “You have to.”
I cried harder. “I can’t.”
He pulled my face up with his hands. “You have to, Kat. You can’t do this now. Your future is already determined. The choice was made years ago. There’s no going back.”
I closed my eyes and thought back to when I knew he was leaving. He’d asked me for a good bye and I’d given it to him, with no regard for any consequences. “Fine. If it has to be that way, kiss me goodbye. Kiss me for all the years we’ve lost and all the ones we’ll never have together. Kiss me and make me forget that every moment without you in my life crushes me.”
“No!” He pushed me away like I was diseased. “Please don’t do this.” Brooks ran his hands through his hair and started pacing around the hallway. “We can’t go there.”
Tears rolled down my cheeks, and I could taste the salt on my lips. When he finally stopped to look at me, I could see him considering. “Please, Brooks. I don’t care if it’s wrong. I need to feel it one last time. Just make this pain go away, because I’m suffocating in it.”
His brow creased. “And you think I’m not? My God, Kat, I left the state because I couldn’t watch you with him for another second. You think it’s hurting you? How do you think I felt when that pastor put me in his place? Do you know how hard it was for me to not announce to everyone in the room that I belonged there and it wasn’t a mistake?”
My sobs were continuous as I stared right at him. “What am I supposed to do, Brooks? It’s too late. You should have fought for me back then. You should have told me how you felt. Branch said you didn’t like me that way. How could I have known?”
“Because you felt it in here.” He pointed to my heart and kept his hand there. “Because deep inside you knew how I felt about you. It was never a secret. I worshipped the ground you walked on. When you were sad, I was there. Not him! I was the one to wipe away your tears. You should be wearing that God damn dress for me, not my brother!” He was so angry, and it was pouring out of him. When he turned to face me, he had tears falling down his face. “You broke my heart, Kat. You pushed me away, like an old toy. That’s why I stopped hanging out with you. It’s why I stopped wanting to do things and stayed by myself. Do you know what it was like to hear you and him sneaking around together? How do you think it made me feel?”
I was crying so bad that I could barely see him. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know.”
He threw his arms in the air. “You didn’t know? How could you not know? Even my fucking parents knew. Don’t tell me that you lived in the same house with me and saw me every single day, but were oblivious to how I felt about you?”