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Love's Suicide(130)

By:Jennifer Foor


As much as I wished things would have been different, I never wanted to hurt him like I had. Not only had I ripped apart his heart, but I’d also caused his death. I felt wretched inside, like I wasn’t worth the love that I was receiving.

They couldn’t understand what it felt like knowing that I’d swung that bottle at his head and knocked him unconscious. They weren’t hearing the sound I heard when it made contact with his jaw. They didn’t see his eyes when he barely opened them moments later.

Over and over it was all I saw and I couldn’t get it out of my head.

Then there was Brooks; committed to us no matter what I decided, or how long it took me to come to grips with my actions.

Having so much on my mind did nothing for the pounding headache I’d woken up with and I knew I couldn’t drive anywhere without it being complicated.

I was going to have to ask Danica to take me and I didn’t want to, so I dialed Sarah’s number and took a deep breath, knowing I was taking the cowardly approach to telling them that their best friend was gone.

“Hello?”

“Sarah, it’s me, Katy. I’ve got some bad news.”

She started crying immediately. “Bobby’s cousin saw Dave last night at the gas station. We heard about the accident.”

“I wanted to come tell you in person, but I can’t get around easily. I’m so sorry, Sarah. I know you both loved him very much.”

The line got quiet and I didn’t hear her sniffles anymore. “And what about you, Katy? Did you ever love that man at all? What was he in Washington, D.C. for in the first place?”

I stared at the charred ceiling and started to cry. “He was furious with me for serving him papers. Sarah, you might not believe this, but he was going to hurt me again.”

“Bullshit!” I’d never heard her use profanity, which could only mean she was irate with me. “That man loved you more that his own life. How dare you sit there on that pedestal and act like he wasn’t a fine person. He gave you everything and he died because of it. I hope you’re happy with yourself, when you’re walking around town with your soldier boyfriend. Just know that when you feel like people are talking about you, they will be.”

“Sarah, I’ve never lied to you. I swear.”

“Save it. I don’t want any more of your excuses. You don’t know how hard it’s been to live with knowing that I brought you into our lives. You ruin everything you touch, Katy. I should have left you at that store and kept driving.”

I was crying so hard that Danica had come running to the room. The phone was still in my hand, but the line had gone dead. Sarah, my only friend that I’d relied on since arriving in town, not only hated me, but wished she’d never met me.

Danica held me and let me cry. She didn’t ask questions, or try to talk to me. There wasn’t a way that I could even express my feelings any other way. I felt like I wanted to die myself. I’d taken away a man that my town considered the ideal person. They’d never know what he was like behind closed doors. They’d never understand that I’d tried to be good to him, even after so much pain.

Finally, she climbed off of the box spring and walked out of the room, closing the door behind her.

When the phone started ringing, I jumped. Thinking it was Sarah or maybe even Dave, calling me to give me another bout of verbal torture, I answered as calm as possible. “Hello?”

“You’re crying? What’s wrong?” Hearing his voice made me cry harder. There he was calling me at that exact moment where I felt so helpless.

“I just got off the phone with Sarah.”

“That bad?”

“Well, they all loved him. They could never believe the things that I said he did, and of course, I got blamed for everything that happened, including him coming to D.C. and losing his life. She even said that the whole town was going to hate me and I needed to prepare myself for it.” I started to sob so loudly that I couldn’t hear him talking.

“Kat, listen to me. You’ve got to calm down.”

Finally, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. “Sorry.”

“We’re going to get through these next couple of days. Mom and I will be by your side the whole time. I don’t give a shit what those people think of you. I know the real Katy; the one that cares about other people and leaves her life and everything behind because she’s disappointed them. I know the girl that lost her parents and somehow grew up to be an amazing mother. And last but never least, I know the woman that loves someone with her whole heart, no matter how far away they might be. Please, try to calm down. I’ll be there around four. I’ve got to stop and do something first.”