I could have been more understanding of his feelings instead of selfishly diving into something with Brooks and basically throwing it all in his face. I should have understood that his anger was out of being so completely crushed as a result of those decisions.
It was all my fault.
My guilt overwhelmed me, sending me to a place that I didn't want to be; a place where I'd begun to regret falling right into Brooks' arms. No matter what he said to me, or anyone for that matter, they couldn't know how conflicted I was inside.
Especially not Brooks.
He tried to talk to me, to comfort me and be my protector. I knew I was shutting down, giving up on whatever it was that we were creating together, but I couldn't stop it. I was in shock.
That evening when everyone else went home to rest, Brooks sat by my bed holding my hand. He was crying silently to himself, perhaps knowing what I was already thinking. Our happy time together had come to an abrupt halt. "Kat, please say something to me. I don't understand why you're doing this. He put your life in danger. You did what you thought you had to do."
"I ended his life."
"The accident ended his life."
"I caused the accident. I killed him."
"His drinking killed him, Kat."
I shook my head. "No. He used to tell me that all he ever wanted was for me to be happy. He didn't mean it like this, Brooks. I ruin everything I touch. I always have."
"That's your pain medicine talking."
I raised my hand as far as it would go considering I was hooked up to monitors and one was in the process of taking my blood pressure. "No. I’m a very selfish person that went after what I wanted, not even considering how drastic the consequences would be. I can't do this right now, Brooks."
I couldn't lay helpless in a bed and know that Bobby was downstairs in the morgue. My hitting him on the head with that bottle kept playing out in my mind. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop it.
"If we don't talk now, it's going to have to be over the phone. I've got to fly back to Fort Jackson first thing in the morning to report back for duty. Mom's going to take care of you and B until I can fly back next weekend." I was too hurt to even understand the amount of pain that Brooks was going through, having to leave us both and report for duty. Inside, deep in that hidden place everyone hides their feelings, I knew him leaving was hurting me. More than anything I wanted him by my side, albeit I didn't deserve it. I no longer deserved to have everything I wanted, not when being with Brooks hurt so many other people. I looked right at him, feeling like I was stabbing myself in my own heart. "So you'll call?"
Brooks was devastated. He reached for my hand and I closed my eyes. I could feel my lips quivering. "Kat, we'll get through this. I promise. Don’t you dare give up on us. I know what you're thinking. Don’t do it. Please don't push me away."
I had to turn my head away from him so he couldn’t see me falling apart. "I'm so sorry, Brooks. Please don't look at me like that."
He stood up and finally I couldn’t keep my eyes away. "I love you with everything I have in me. I know what it's like feeling like you caused someone's death. I can see it all over your face. They train us to handle those situations, so when you're ready to talk about it, rationally, you pick up that phone and I'll be there.” He leaned in and kissed my lips, then put his mouth close to my ear. "I will never give up on you."
Brooks left the room, not because he had to right away, but because he couldn't stand looking at me and not feeling what he feared was going to happen.
Nobody hated me more than I hated myself. I looked around the empty room and felt as if it was where I was supposed to be.
Alone.
Brooks loving me was his weakness. He couldn’t see the truth, because he was blinded by that love. I caused pain, no matter where I went or who I was around.
That night was difficult, but the next few days were even harder. Brooks called me every morning, then at lunch and one last time before he went to bed.
His voice soothed me, even if it were only a temporary fix. Danica brought B to the hospital each day until I was finally released on Wednesday. My hip was still in a bit of pain, but manageable with medication. Walt had rearranged the furniture so that I could maneuver a temporary wheelchair around on the first floor.
It was good to be out of the hospital, but I had other things clouding my mind. Since I was Bobby’s wife, it was up to me to take care of his body, transporting it home and arranging a funeral.
I didn’t know where to begin.
Finally, after making calls to his family, I was left staring at the phone, knowing I had to call Sarah and Dave. My stomach was in knots and I broke down.