Love Under Two Benedicts(36)

“Okay.”

Kelsey grabbed a pair of pajamas and, in short order, had the boy in them. Steven lifted him and spun him through the air while Matthew held the blankets up. One deposited the child onto the mattress, and the other covered him.

Benny giggled, then yawned. He blinked a few times and then focused on Matthew. “You find my mommy tomorrow?”

“I’ll do my best, Benny. Right now, I think Mommy wants you to be good and get some sleep.”

Benny put his thumb in his mouth and nodded. “Mommy said Kelsey would babysit me.”

Kelsey felt her mouth open and closed it quickly. Adam had said there was a letter. Did she somehow know this child and his mother and not realize it?

“Kiss!”

Since Benny looked at her when he said that, she obediently bent over him and gave him a kiss on his forehead. His small arms went around her, and the scent of soap, boy, and peanut butter swamped her. She pulled back from him and felt a wrenching deep inside her.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Not yet. Trying not to show the turmoil within, she brushed his hair gently with her hand. “Sleep well, honey.”

“’Night.”

Kelsey couldn’t hold on another moment. She turned, her legs carrying her out of the room, her vision already blurred by her tears so that she couldn’t see where she was going. Frantic, feeling everything inside her beginning to unravel, she nearly ran as she found her way into the master bedroom, then kept walking all the way through it and out onto the balcony.

The spa tub gurgled in the early evening air, the sound of bubbles and birdcalls all seeming so peaceful, so normal.

A tortured groan came from deep inside her from the black hole she’d carried within her for more than five years. Then came another and another. Her knees gave out, and she ended in a squat, her body curving in on itself as she gave herself over to the despair seething within her as she finally broke.



* * * *



Matthew’s heart tore apart.

He looked over at Steven, unsurprised to see his brother’s eyes, like his own, filled with tears.

Unable to bear it a moment more, he went to Kelsey, lifted her into his arms. She struggled, and he held her tighter.

“It’s all right, baby. It’s all right.”

He brought her over to the bench, moving her so that she lay across his lap and Steven’s who sat down beside him.

“It’s not all right! It can never be all right! My baby, my baby, my baby!”

Kelsey sobbed uncontrollably, and Matthew had never felt so helpless. He swallowed over the lump in his throat.

“We’re so sorry, love, so, very, very sorry.” Steven’s voice shook with emotion.

Matthew held her tighter, his head resting on hers when her struggles stopped, and she just sobbed. Steven, beside him, stroked her legs. He slipped her shoes off her and rubbed her feet.

Matthew crooned to her, not words so much as sounds, an echoing of her pain, an acceptance of the tears she shed, tears he knew had been buried far too deep for far too long.

Her sobs dwindled to tiny hiccups. She clung to him now, her body purged not only of grief but of strength.

He looked around, needing something, then raised one eyebrow when Adam stepped out onto the balcony carrying a glass of brandy and a box of tissues.

“Boy’s asleep,” Adam said. “I’ll wait downstairs.”

Matthew eased Kelsey onto the seat between himself and Steven. His brother, tissues in hand, lifted her face and dabbed at her tears.

“I’m sorry,” Kelsey said.

“Don’t you ever dare apologize for this.” Steven grabbed another tissue, folded it, and held it to her nose. “Blow.”

She did, around a laugh that was weak, but a laugh just the same.

Matthew held the glass of brandy to her lips. “Take a sip, baby.”

She did, coughing slightly. Matthew patted her back, and Steven rubbed her thigh.

She exhaled, her breath shaky. Her eyes were red-rimmed, her face blotchy, but he’d never seen a more beautiful woman in his entire life.

“I saw Benny with his mother. It must have been an hour before Michelle told me he’d been left.” She paused and took another sip of brandy. “He was eating french fries, one at a time, exactly how my Sean used to eat them. And then he looked at his mother and made a face.” She stopped, and fresh tears spilled over her eyes, but she didn’t sob. Steven mopped her face again and placed a kiss on her nose.

“I turned away from him because the sudden flood of memories hurt so much. I locked myself in the bathroom until I got myself under control. Then I went back to work. Work saved me. Before, too, you know? Keeping busy was all I could do.”

“We’ve never lost anyone,” Matthew said. “We can’t know what it feels like. But we love you, and your pain is now our pain.”