“Katy.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Branch. We’re friends, that’s all.” At the time it was the truth. We couldn’t be more. It was still too soon to take it to another level. She wasn’t emotionally ready to sneak around behind my parent’s backs.
“She says you’re smothering her. I told you before that she didn’t like you that way.”
Feeling defeated, and pathetic for holding onto hope, I walked away from my brother. It was obvious that all my efforts were for nothing.
For the next year I watched my brother pick on Kat, not in a rude way, but one that would indicate he was attempting to get under her skin for the attention. I became the one she turned to, but only for the support I’d always offered her. For a while I was certain we were on the same page. I kept telling myself that she was interested, and if we waited it out we’d be able to be together without causing problems with the family. After all, she lived in our house, and unless I wanted her to be shipped off to England with an aunt she barely knew, I had to keep the peace.
Then it happened.
The choice was made before I had a chance to grasp it was taking place. Sure, I’d seen my brother interacting with her. He’d warned me that she’d chosen him, yet I needed to see it with my own eyes. It was obvious he was still interested as well. We’d all begun to change, physically and mentally into young adults. Kat was blossoming into a beautiful woman. Her curves were pronounced, and she was who everyone at school wanted to have a piece of.
I’m sure our classmates knew they never had a chance. There was no way Branch or I would allow for them to. We’d already laid claim to her, not understanding that one day she’d have to choose one of us. Never in a million years could I have accepted that she chose Branch if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes.
I’d like to say her decision came out of left field. I think I wouldn’t have as many regrets if I didn’t feel as if it were my fault that it happened. Certainly there was a reason why she chose him over me. I mean, it made no sense at all. He’d picked on her until she lost it and came running to me more times than I could count. I’d waited my whole life to make her mine, only to have my own brother step forward and take her away.
The first time I saw them sneaking off to be together I felt my heart being ripped from my chest. I hadn’t confessed my love, yet knew my brother was fully aware of my feelings. Our secret hide-out in the tree house became unbearable to visit. I couldn’t sit opposite them and see them having their own first time experiences without me. I couldn’t pretend that every little touch didn’t make my stomach turn and fuel my anger.
No longer could I look Kat in the eyes and not feel anguish because I’d missed my opportunity. For a while I wanted to tell on them, to get them into trouble so they couldn’t be together. Then I went through a phase where I presumed she’d dump my brother and realize it was me she was in love with. Day after day I watched them desperately falling in love, and there was nothing I could do to make it go away. I was stuck living with it; with their secret because it would never be as bad as Kat having to live somewhere else.
Burying my feelings deep inside was my only option, but even that came with consequences. Branch could see right through me, and one night he let me know that I wasn’t going to get my chance.
We were sixteen, and they’d been secretly a couple for quite some time. He didn’t knock when he came into my room full of smiles. I could tell something monumental had happened, even before he confessed it.
He started tossing up a ball as he spoke, probably because he couldn’t bear to look me in the eyes and watch me hating him. “I never thought I’d gloat, Brooks. I told myself that I’d keep it a secret, but I’ve got to tell you this. I have to tell someone how awesome it was.”
I sat up in my bed, already knowing what he was going to say. I’d watched them making out, groping, and everything else that comes before the actual deed. “What are you going on about?”
“We did it, me and Katy. She finally let me get into those panties. It was scary at first. She bled, and seemed to be in a lot of pain, but I’m sure the next time will be even better, because we’ll know what to expect.”
How was I supposed to sit there and listen to him bragging? “Congrats to you, I guess.”
“You’re probably pissed she picked me, aren’t you?”
“No.” I shook my head and looked away, unable to lie to his face. “It’s great. I’m happy for you. She obviously made the right choice.” The bile was rising in my throat as I began fighting back the agonizing jealousy. This was bitter, ugly, and it was destroying me from the inside out.