Love Survives(42)

“I’m sorry,” was all I could manage to say.

“My little girl died inches away from me and I couldn’t do anything to prevent it. While we selfishly slept she suffered. The doctors said it was SIDS, but who knows for sure. At any point we could have rolled on top of her. I hate thinking about it, but the thought never leaves my mind. It tortures me, man. I missed being there was she was born, only to be so close when she took her last breath.”

“What about Amanda?” He loved his wife, so it made no sense why they weren’t together. He was entitled to bereavement, so they’d obviously been together when it all occurred.

“She left. We’d started going to counseling, but it was too much. She couldn’t handle talking about it. The more we sought out help the harder it got at home. One night she never came home. I got a call a week later that she’d met someone else; someone who didn’t remind her of our little girl. I figured it was just a stage in her recovery. I would have taken her back, Brooks. I get that she needed to cope differently than I did, but I was alone. I couldn’t even go into my bedroom without thinking of them. One night I ripped my mattress into the backyard and burned it. The neighbors called the fire department, and then the fucking military cops showed up. Even though I knew I had a choice, they gave me a few options with how to make the problem go away.”

“Don’t tell me you came here on your own free will.”

“Okay, I won’t,” he laughed out.

“Trev, seriously, this ain’t the answer. It’s bad. It’s ugly. You wouldn’t believe the shit that I’ve seen.”

He put his hand on my shoulder and looked directly at me. “I have nowhere else to go, brother. I’ve got nothing. I can’t look at what’s left for another second. My parent’s can’t even speak to me without passing judgment for what’s happened. Amanda’s not coming back. She served me with papers three days before I shipped out. I’ve lost everything except for this.”

He’d never be able to understand how I could relate to his pain. Sure, I knew Kat was somewhere living her life, but she was alive.

Then it all hit me.

How did I know she was okay? Something could have happened while I was busy being stubborn.

I spent the rest of the afternoon transferring my things over to my new unit, happy to bunk with Trevor again. We never brought up his baby, or his pending divorce. I could tell he wanted to avoid it, just as much as I needed to do the same with my problems.



July 4th 2011



“Mom, it’s me.”

“Brooks? Is it really you?” I could hear her tears clearly as if she wasn’t on another continent.

“Yeah, don’t cry.”

“Just let me get your father. Hang on.” I could hear her calling out his name. Her excitement made all of my reservations about getting in touch with them go away.

My father picked up another line in the house and cleared his voice before answering. “Brooks?”

“Hi, dad.”

“We’ve been worried, son. Have you not been getting our letters?”

“I write once a week. Do you think we have the wrong address?” my mom asked.

It hurt to tell them the truth. “We’ve been away from the command center for a few months. I just got back,” I lied.

“Are you okay? Is it safe there?” She questioned. I couldn’t blame her. They watched way too much news to sweeten the conditions.

“I’m fine. How about you? Is everything okay at home?” I couldn’t say her name out loud, and I wasn’t about to ask how Branch was.

“It’s as good as can be expected. Your brother graduated. He’s still living in Salisbury.”

Why hadn’t they mentioned Kat? Immediately I began to worry about her. “I’m sorry for the mess I left.”

“We’re not angry at you, Brooks. You need to know that.”

“Still, my being there ruined everything.”

“It was for the best, son. Your brother has already started seeing someone new.”

I don’t know why this excited me. I was too far away to do anything about it, and they still hadn’t mentioned Kat. I wondered if they’d shut her out. Why else wouldn’t they let me know she was getting by? I decided to approach the situation like I was concerned for my brother. “It’s probably a rouse to get Kat back.” My sarcasm was obvious. If they knew me at all they’d be able to sense how annoyed I was to bring it up.

“Brooks, Katy’s gone. She left the day of the wedding and we haven’t heard from her.”

“What? Where did she go?” I started wondering where someone, with little family, could run to. “Did she go to England?”