Not only have I destroyed the bond that you and your brother once shared, but I’ve disrespected your parents and all the generosity that they’ve given me for so many years.
This letter isn’t something that my heart takes lightly. I know what I’m giving up, and it hurts more now knowing how absolutely perfect it felt to be in your arms and feel your love radiating through me.
I will cherish the night we spent together and remember it every day for the rest of my life.
Please don’t look for me. I’ve decided to finally go out and make my own decisions for once. I want to move forward and start fresh where I won’t be judged for loving you. Just know that no matter where I end up, you will always have a piece of me.
Some people say that love never dies. If that’s true then I hope you can forgive me for walking away from it. I know I’ll never be able to forgive myself for this.
I would do anything to take back the last few years and be with you, instead. If I had known what I know now, there would never have been a question as to who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It’s always been you, Brooks. I’ve known that I loved you since our first kiss. Maybe even before it. Denying it will always be my biggest regret. I know what we could have had together, and it kills me inside.
This is my goodbye. It will be the last time you ever hear from me again. Please tell your family that I’m sorry for what I’ve done. I hope in time they can forgive you. After all, you’re the son they should be praising, not your brother. In fact, you’re the most brave, beautiful man I’ve ever known. Don’t let my actions change that.
I’m sorry and I love you,
Katy
It only took me seconds to pack up my things and take a cab to the airport. I couldn’t say goodbye to anyone, because I didn’t know if I’d ever be returning, not when there was nothing left for me.
Chapter 16
Loving her was effortless, but trying to forget about how much she’d destroyed me was impossible. Time slipped away from me, and before I could make sense of anything, I was on my way to Afghanistan to experience another kind of heartache.
I was fixated on my demise, determined that it was better than suffering. It wasn’t courage leading me to danger, it was stupidity. I’d given up hope, not just with being happy, but with being forgiven. At this point in my life I didn’t care what killed me. Inside I was already dead, dwelling in an empty shell of pain. I forgot how to laugh. I even kept to myself, not letting my friends know what had happened to change me so quickly. Nothing they said could bring her back into my life. Her kiss goodbye was meant to be forever. I knew it then and still did. Silence wasn’t just my answer. It was my enemy. Kat may not have meant it, but she’d killed me that morning. She’d taken away my ability to be optimistic, to have hope, and to strive for a better life. I simply didn’t care.
Feeling overwhelmed with guilt, I sent my parents my new address for correspondence. None of this was their fault, and I couldn’t allow myself to blame them by making them worry.
I enclosed a letter even though writing it drudged up everything I’d been through since she walked out of my hotel room.
Dear Mom and Dad,
I wanted you to know that I’ve arrived overseas and have settled in the best I’m able to. I owe you both an apology. Never in a million years did I see things playing out the way they have. I didn’t show up at the wedding to ruin everyone’s lives. The truth is that I couldn’t help myself. I had to pursue her because I’ve loved that girl since we were children. She’s everything to me.
I know I made a mess of things. I screwed up and embarrassed you. I ruined my relationship with Branch, but I think you deserve to know why. All this time, all the years since they started dating, he’d been feeding Kat and I lies, keeping us apart. From the age of twelve he told me Kat wasn’t interested. I trusted him.
Apparently he was doing the same to Kat, telling her that I didn’t like her that way. All this time we could have been together, but instead he weaseled his way into her heart, making her feel bad for ever having feelings for me.
I’m not saying that what I did wasn’t wrong. I know right from wrong. Two people went into my hotel room that night, and what happened was mutual. We knew the risks, but took them anyway. I honestly couldn’t stop myself. Once the truth was revealed nothing could have kept me from her. I snapped.
You may never be able to understand what it’s been like for me, watching her with him, year after year, as if I was a punching bag. I’ve got thick skin, but even the toughest person would have broken down at some point. I’ve been trained to replace pain with power, but this doesn’t apply. I’m on a path of destruction because I simply don’t care anymore. Branch ruined my life. He was the reason I had to get away. Joining the military was my way out. I knew it would keep me from coming home and bearing the burden of watching them happy. I punished myself for loving her and attempted to move on with no result. No matter how hard I try I can’t stop loving her, that’s why I know I can’t come home. There’s nothing left there for me except pain. I’ll never regret being able to live under the same roof as my two best friends, but I will hate myself for not going after what I wanted sooner. I could have prevented all of this. We could be sharing our lives together, having children, and waking up to knowing nothing will tear us apart. Instead I’m on the other side of the world, throwing myself into defending my country, because it’s the only thing keeping me going.