She broke my concentration when she stammered out a comment. “People say the truth when they’re drunk.”
“Not all the time. His issues are with me.” I clenched my jaw and hoped she’d believe me. Someway or another my brother would pin this on me in the morning.
Kat halted and looked up at me. Her eyes were full of unreleased tears. “Maybe I shouldn’t go through with it?”
It was unbearable to hear. I’d waited so long for her to wise up, but now it was too late. “Don’t say things like that.”
“No. I mean it. I’ve been having all these feelings and I can’t shake them.”
We ended up stopping at my room first. It was time to end the conversation and get behind closed doors before I said something I’d regret later. “This is me.” I stared at my keycard to prevent from allowing her to see how conflicted I was. “Listen, get some sleep and things will be all better tomorrow. You can marry Branch and start your happy lives together.”
I’d unfastened the door and attempted to step inside, only to be thrown a loop by her next statement. “Do you still love me, Brooks?”
I leaned my head on the door and closed my eyes, still refusing to turn around. “Don’t do this, Kat. You’ve been drinking and you’re upset at Branch.”
“It’s a yes or no answer.”
I was losing control. We were back at this point already, just like before I’d left for boot camp. I already knew how this would end; how it had to end. “It changes nothing.”
She hugged her own body, and I watched her trembling. As much as she attempted to look away, our gaze was fixed. It was then that I started to break down my walls. Was it really too late? Was this her final plea to get out of her impending nuptials? Was I willing to lose my family over it?
Her next question made me weak in the knees. “What if I don’t know how to stop loving you?” I held onto the door in hopes to elude from falling to my knees before her. She’d just admitted out loud to loving me. It was confirmed, after all this time, after hoping and praying, it was happening.
I could feel the burning in my eyes, letting me know that I had zero control over my own emotions. At this point I longed to pull her into my arms and never let go, but the repercussions were too hard to bear. We couldn’t take that route. The damage was too extensive. “You have to.”
She sobbed and shook her head. “I can’t.”
I lifted her chin as I spoke words I never thought I’d say. It wasn’t how I felt at all, but I wouldn’t be that guy who fell right into things with her after a fight. I’d already stooped too low to be with her in the past. Love wasn’t enough at this point. “You have to, Kat. You can’t do this now. Your future is already determined. The choice was made years ago. There’s no going back.”
She closed her eyes as she requested something out of me I knew I wasn’t strong enough to give. It wasn’t the act that was scaring me; it was everything that came with it.
“Fine. If it has to be that way, kiss me goodbye. Kiss me for all the years we’ve lost and all the ones we’ll never have together. Kiss me and make me forget that every moment without you in my life crushes me.”
“No!” I had to push her away because she was becoming impossible to resist. It was like God was punishing me, sending me one last test to redeem myself. I had to be strong and do the right thing, no matter how much pain it inflicted on my soul. “Please don’t do this.” I started walking around, hoping that if I couldn’t see the look in her eyes, I’d be able to avoid the burning desire to take her into my room. “We can’t go there.”
She was sniffling, begging with her whole heart, but I refused to listen. I wouldn’t let myself fall, not again, not when I knew she’d run right back to him. Kat was talking, she was saying things I’d always wanted to hear, but they were coming out after an argument with Branch. She’d been drinking, and so had I. The combination was dangerous. I’d be a terrible man if I allowed anything to happen, and she’d probably never forgive me in the morning. “Please, Brooks. I don’t care if it’s wrong. I need to feel it one last time. Just make this pain go away because I’m suffocating in it.”
I furrowed my brow and looked down at the floral designed carpet. “And you think I’m not? My God, Kat, I left the state because I couldn’t watch you with him for another second. You think it’s hurting you? How do you think I felt when that pastor put me in his place? Do you know how hard it was for me to not announce to everyone in the room that I belonged there and it wasn’t a mistake?”