With nothing left in me to lose, I sat down at my desk and wrote her an explanation. I wasn’t going to give it to her before I left, but hopefully when I returned she’d be willing to read it.
Dear Kat,
If you’re reading this letter then I’ve already left for the Army. Which also probably means that I was too chicken shit to tell you how I really feel about you.
I don’t even know why I’m writing this because you’ll probably never come up into this tree house again. In the chance that you do, I need to set things straight, once and for all.
The first thing you need to know is that from the first day we met, as infants even, I loved you. I can’t remember one day where I didn’t, so it has to mean it’s since birth.
The second thing you need to know is that I wanted to tell you when we were twelve and had shared our first kiss. I know you remember that night. I pulled you aside and asked you to do it again. I was going to tell you, but I got called in for dinner. That next day you lost your parents and being your friend was more important than any horny kids’ feelings.
So I waited.
The thing was, I accidentally told Branch all about it. He told me that you secretly confided in him that you liked him, but didn’t want to hurt my feelings. It was a shitty move, but well played by him. He knew that if I thought you wanted him, I’d back off.
I waited for the day that you would break up with him, hoping that one day you’d want me instead. After time, I knew it wouldn’t happen. Our family was too close, and my parents wouldn’t tolerate a scandal like that, besides the fact that I couldn’t destroy the whole family over it.
I stepped aside and let him have you. I watched him hold you and kiss you, day after day, until I finally couldn’t take it anymore.
One night, I snuck into your room. You thought I was Branch, and I didn’t correct you. You asked me to make the pain go away and so I did. I wanted to be that guy that you needed.
That was when I lost my virginity.
I’m not sorry about it either because I know it is something I will never regret.
You’ll probably hate me now, but that wasn’t the only time it happened. I snuck into your room the next year, on the anniversary of your parent’s death, again. I wanted to be the one to make your tears go away.
Now that you know the truth, you’ll understand why I had to leave. I want you to be happy with my brother. He’ll treat you right and give you everything you want.
Maybe when we’re older, with gray hair and lots of children, we can be friends again.
Until then, know I love you.
I always have and I always will.
Love, Brooks
Chapter 7
I always thought that the tragic death of the Michaels was the most brutal thing I’d ever experienced, when in fact looking into Kat’s eyes as I said goodbye was just as horrible, maybe even worse. The idea of not being able to see her, to touch her, to know that she was okay, was killing me inside. I wasn’t just riding off into the sunset to start a new life. The real Brooks was still somewhere close to her, clinging to hope that someway we still had a chance. What was left of me was an empty shell; one that longed for some sort of resolution that didn’t involve pain, or being alone.
I think I would have felt better if my last words were about love, but instead I’d only reassured her that her secret was safe with me. I didn’t plan on ever telling my brother, or anyone else that I’d slept with Kat. She didn’t deserve to suffer because of my actions.
After a whole day of traveling, I’d arrived at intake. So many men and women my age stood around waiting to be called and assigned. One by one we were taken to areas to start the long process. During the first week I said goodbye to civilian clothes, lost all of my hair to a buzz-cut, and prepared for the physical aspects of the following week. Testing mental and physical endurance would have been easier if the drill sergeant wasn’t such a hard ass. I swear that there was no possible way someone should be able to yell as much as this guy did. No matter what he was talking about, it was in a piercing announcement. For the most part, I was thankful that he pushed us to the limit because if I wasn’t so exhausted I don’t know if I would have been able to sleep. My last thought every night before I closed my eyes was of Kat, and how I’d left things so unhinged. Thinking that she hated me made me work harder. I couldn’t fail at this too because I’d have nothing left of my own.
During the fourth week we practiced and learned marksmanship. I never knew that there was so much to learn about a weapon. We were taught how to hold each gun, how to breathe, and even how to break it down to clean it.