“You need to remember that this is just a house. Everything in here can be replaced.”
“The fumes are still bad,” I said before she could walk in and see the worst for herself.
“What has he done?”
“I already bagged the bedding and the fire extinguisher. I’m assuming this was all some sick message, considering he’d been prepared to put the fire out before it got out of hand. Like I said before, we can replace all of this. I can buy us a new bed tomorrow. With a couple cans of paint and some fresh carpet we can get the smell out of here and you’ll never even be able to tell it ever happened.”
She stood there, shocked, shaking her head. “Don’t you get it? This is all my fault. Everything! He did all of this because of what I did to him - what we did to him.”
I tried to grab her shoulder, but she shoved me away. “Please, Kat, you’re not thinking clearly.”
“My husband is dead because I broke his damn heart. We did this to him. It didn’t have to be like this, Brooks. Stop acting like we’re just going to be happy and move forward. There is no moving forward. I’ll never forgive myself. I can’t even begin to think about it.”
My mother was in the other room with B, probably wondering what the hell was going on and all I could do was stand there watching my life turn to shit. Fear struck me as I began to contemplate what this detour meant for our relationship.
“Kat, don’t make me leave. Please talk to me.”
She closed her eyes when she spoke. “I won’t ask you to leave. Your mother and our daughter are here.”
“You just need time. That’s what this is, right? We’ll get through this?”
“Maybe. It’s too much right now, Brooks. I’m not trying to hurt you and this isn’t about our love. There will never be anyone but you. I know that. I need to sort things out in my head before I can do anything.”
I hated it. I hated the idea of getting her back only to be shoved aside while she sorted things out. Why couldn’t we do it all together? “So what am I supposed to do? Do I come here every day and pretend that it’s okay to not be able to touch you? Do I avoid eye contact because looking at you is like shards of glass being driven into my eyes? I’ve waited for you, Kat. I’ve been so God damn patient. If I could take the pain away from you I would. I’d do anything to keep you from hurting, but I can’t accept that we can’t be together. I won’t let you push me away this time. Do you hear me?”
I grabbed both of her arms, forcing her to give me her full attention. “Look at me, Kat. Look me in the eyes and swear to me that we’re going to get through this.”
“What if we don’t?” I couldn’t believe she was saying it. Her tears meant nothing to me because she was brutally damaging all hope we’d work this out. With each word I felt like a wall was being shoved up between us.
I started shaking her, trying to get her to snap out of it. She couldn’t possibly think we were better off being separated. “Don’t do this, again.”
“Brooks, what if I can’t move forward? Look at my house. A man is dead. Our love is like poison and everyone around us ends up getting hurt. How much more has to happen before you see that?”
That was it. I couldn’t hear anymore of it. I had to walk away. I refused to let her see me upset. I didn’t say goodbye to my mother, or even little B. I simply rushed out into the dark yard, jumped in my truck and drove away.
For a while I coasted down the side roads, blaring the music to hide my sadness. I was so close to having it all, only for it to be taken away from me again. What was it about our love that made things so difficult for us? Why couldn’t we ever find a common ground and settle into it?
I didn’t understand.
The longer I was away the more I missed her. I drove by the house several times seeing that the lights were still on. It killed me that she wasn’t calling. She was angry, but so was I. Maybe it was best if I gave her time to calm down, even if it killed me to do it.
It was one in the morning before I pulled back into her driveway and parked my vehicle. I didn’t get out, but instead crouched down and planned on sleeping it out. Just because she hadn’t asked me to come back didn’t mean I was going to give up. Not this time. I couldn’t handle it. I refused to let Bobby’s death ruin our chances at being a family. We had too much to be thankful for.
An hour later my cell phone started to ring. I jumped before seeing that it was her number calling me. “Kat, is that you?” I had to ask because it could have been my mother.