"No. He used to tell me that all he ever wanted was for me to be happy. He didn't mean it like this, Brooks. I ruin everything I touch. I always have."
"That's your pain medicine talking."
Her next statement shocked me. I was so taken back by her change in demeanor that it took me a second to comprehend it all. "No. I’m a very selfish person that went after what I wanted, not even considering how drastic the consequences would be. I can't do this right now, Brooks."
The worst part of all this was the fact that I had to head back to South Carolina. My leave was over, and I was expected back to base. "If we don't talk now, it's going to have to be over the phone. I've got to head back to Fort Jackson first thing in the morning to report back for duty. Mom's going to take care of you and B until I can fly back next weekend."
I didn’t know what she was thinking about when I said it. Kat looked away from me, silently sobbing to herself. I half expected her to tell me to walk out the door and never come back.
When she finally responded she was choked up. "So you'll call?"
I reached for her hand, wanting to give her reassurance. "Kat, we'll get through this. I promise. Don’t you dare give up on us. I know what you're thinking. Don’t do it. Please don't push me away."
I was basically saying goodbye to her, praying it would only be temporary. "I'm so sorry, Brooks. Please don't look at me like that."
I stood up and peered into her eyes, praying she’d understand how I wasn’t willing to give up anything with her. "I love you with everything I have in me. I know what it's like feeling like you caused someone's death. I can see it all over your face. They train us to handle those situations, so when you're ready to talk about it, rationally, you pick up that phone and I'll be there.” I kissed her lips before whispering into her ear. "I will never give up on you."
I had to leave the room, not because I wanted to get away from her, but because I wasn’t able to control my need to break down completely. I waited until I reached the stairs before burying my face into my hands.
When I arrived at the house I didn’t climb into my own bed to sleep. Instead I found comfort sleeping next to my little girl. It killed me knowing I had to leave, but I didn’t have the resources to take her with me. While she nestled her warm body against mine I sat up watching her breathe. I played with a ringlet on her head, twisting it around my finger. Tears streamed down my face while I silently strained to acknowledge the fact that I was leaving them behind. Somehow, after being apart for two years, a five day separation seemed like too long to be away from them.
When she began to stir I rested my head down and pulled her close. She opened her eyes briefly and smiled. “Daddy.”
“I’m here, baby. Daddy’s never going to leave you again. I promise.” I didn’t mean that I wasn’t heading back to South Carolina. I mean that once she was home, we’d be together forever. “I love you so much.”
That night I cried myself to sleep, much like the night when I was a teenager and found out Kat had picked Branch over me. Mistake or not, it broke me. I swore I’d never feel that pain again, but it had repeated throughout my life, all surrounding around my love for Kat. Now it wasn’t just my love for her that made all this so hard. My little girl had become my reason to smile. I was going to miss both of them so much.
That next morning I hugged my family goodbye, managing to keep it together until after I kissed my daughter and turned around. When I arrived at the hospital I wasn’t much better.
Kat was eating her breakfast. She sat her fork down when I came into the room. “Hey, you.”
“Hey.” I leaned down to kiss her. “I wanted to come by before I left. I’m going to drive straight through.”
“Will you call me when you arrive? I’ll be worried.”
“Of course. Don’t fret. As soon as I’m on base I’ll make sure to call. You’ll be at Mom and Dad’s by then. I heard him saying he was going to move some things around to fit the wheelchair. Your biggest obstacle will probably be our daughter. She’s going to want a ride constantly.”
Kat smiled. “I know you’re mad at me right now, Brooks. You have every right to be. I wish I could change how I feel about this. I think I just need time. I’ve got to make calls, and arrangements. I’ll be responsible for getting his body shipped home. I’m not looking forward to dealing with his family.”
“Just keep in mind that you didn’t do this to him. I don’t give a shit what you think about it. He chose to come here and put your lives in danger. He chose to hurt you, over and over again. Nothing you say will change that.”