“I’m sorry,” she cried. “I didn’t know what to do. All I could think of was getting him away from you and B. I knew she was safe, no matter what happened to me.”
“Listen to yourself. What about me, Kat? Did you ever consider how you being gone would affect me? Did you even think that being without you again would kill me? We’re a team, remember? No more lies or secrets. You promised.”
She shook her head as if that wasn’t enough. “I did what I had to do whether you believe me or not. I wanted you to save me, but I didn’t have time to think about it. I had to get him away from our family.”
“He could have killed you, Kat. Tell me something. Did those marks on your face and arms come from him, or the accident?”
Kat sobbed more, giving me the answer without saying anything. He’d hit her again, and if he wasn’t in the morgue, I’d be in that room strangling him myself. I hated considering my actions volatile, but nothing was going to prevent me from protecting my girls. “Please don’t hate me,” she whispered.
I squeezed her hand, trying to cope with my own emotions. Tears were falling down my face, but only because I was too wired to convince myself that she was going to be fine. “Have you ever felt so happy that you’re almost wondering when something bad is going to happen?”
She moved her head up and down.
“Then you know what it was like to pull up to that accident and know that I could have prevented it.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” she argued.
I looked down at our daughter and then back up to Kat. “It doesn’t even matter anymore. He won’t be bothering you again.”
“Did he get arrested? Is he going to jail?”
“He didn’t make it, Kat. He passed on during surgery.”
Her monitors started beeping, and from the look on her face I could tell she was freaking out. What I couldn’t bring myself to understand was why? Why would she care if he was gone? Our problems were over. He couldn’t hurt her, threaten her, or stand in our way of being married. His death literally solved all of it. In that very moment I realized she wasn’t on the same page as me.
It crushed me.
The idea of her caring about someone who caused her pain was unimaginably difficult. I couldn’t rationalize with it. “Please don’t this, Kat. Don’t shut me out.”
“I want to be alone.” She pulled her hand out of mine.
I touched her leg, hoping she wouldn’t push that away as well. “I’m not leaving this room. I’m never leaving you again.”
“Brooks, don’t you see how toxic we are? Someone is dead because of us. He didn’t start out as a violent man. Bobby took care of me. He gave me a home, and loved me, even when he knew I could never feel the same way about him. I know you don’t understand this, but I did love him in some ways. For a while he was all I had. That man loved our daughter. He treated her like she was his own flesh and blood. People in town even believed it. He lived every day to make her happy. Go ahead and sit there imagining all the bad. I know you are. You didn’t know him like I did. You’ll never understand how it feels to know I had a hand in his death.”
What could I say to that?
How on earth was I supposed to rationalize with how she was portraying the man? I didn’t know him. She was right. I could only judge the parts I knew about, which were violent and erratic. “I’m sorry you feel this way. I wish I could take away the pain. Your heart is so much bigger than mine.”
I couldn’t stop crying like a pathetic baby. When she looked at me, I felt like she didn’t even want me around. I was trying so hard to understand, to be compassionate, but all I came up with was the same result.
I hated him.
I was glad he was out of the picture.
Now I feared that instead of this helping us build a future, it was going to be a huge setback; one that could separate us once again.
Chapter 52
Several hours later, when visiting times were over, my family headed back to the house. I sat quietly in the chair next to the medical bed. It was hard to contain the feelings that I was trying to keep bottled up. This hurt me so much, feeling her slipping away, as if the past week hadn’t meant anything at all. "Kat, please say something to me. I don't understand why you're doing this. He put your life in danger. You did what you thought you had to do."
"I ended his life."
"The accident ended his life."
"I caused the accident. I killed him."
"His drinking killed him, Kat." Why couldn’t she see that? What was so special about him that made her throw away everything else?