She felt so nervous that she could hardly hand Jeanie her things without dropping them. She could feel the fire under her skin from fear. She worried that she’d make a fool of herself, pour out her feelings to Pete only to have him turn around and walk away. Again. She was unsure, scared, nervous. But what was the alternative? Just leave and never let him know all the things she’d been thinking, how she’d changed? Her pulse was racing, her mind going a hundred miles an hour, rehearsing what she might say. She hadn’t planned this; she hadn’t thought it all out. She’d been impulsive in asking him to stay back, but she knew in her heart that no time was better than right now to tell him what she was feeling.
The crowds departed, and Libby and Pete said goodbye to Jeanie, Celia, and the Bennett family, leaving them alone on the vast lawn of the vineyard amidst the litter and flickering torches. Pete sat down on the towel and stretched his legs out, crossing them at the ankle. He looked out ahead, his face showing nothing. She lowered herself down beside him. Above them, through the last bit of dissipating smoke from the fireworks, was a black sky so big it almost took her breath away. Millions of stars peppered the darkness. Neither of them said anything. She didn’t want to, worried about how to begin what she wanted to say. She took a deep breath and looked up at the stars.
Chapter Thirty-One
Libby fixed her gaze on one particular star, and she thought about how, by the time she saw its light, it could have already burned out. She hoped that it wasn’t the same for her and Pete. He’d already told her he was moving on without her, but could she change his mind? As terrified as she was, she had to give it a shot.
“Are you cold?” he asked, a puzzled look on his face. It was July in Virginia, and the air was warm and humid, but Libby was sitting with her fingers hidden beneath the bends in her crossed arms, as she tried to warm her fingertips. They were icy from nervousness. It was as if all the heat from her body had gone straight to her face. Her stomach ached with unease.
“No,” she said, uncrossing her arms. She looked into his eyes and wondered if she had the nerve to do this. “Being back here has changed me,” she said before she could lose her courage. She was out of her comfort zone. This was a leap of faith. She had to take a risk and make herself vulnerable, and she still may fail. It went against everything she’d ever done in her life, but it felt more right than all of the other things she’d accomplished. She needed to do this. So she just started talking and let it all out.
“It doesn’t matter how far away I am, all I can think about is you. I had it wrong, Pete. For so many years, I’ve had it wrong. I can’t be happy in New York because you aren’t with me, and I miss you so much that I don’t even care about anything else anymore—not a job or an apartment. It all seems so silly now in comparison. So, by chance, do you feel anything like what I feel? Because if you do, I’m not going back to New York.” Just like that old tire swing, when she’d jumped as a girl, her heart racing at the complete excitement of knowing her fate just before she hit the water. She was ready to jump.
Pete broke eye contact and took in a breath. He let it out slowly and looked back at her. “Look, you left. You left. You needed something else to keep you busy, and you couldn’t find that something else here. Now that you’ve spent over a decade in New York, chasing God knows what, you’ve come back. It feels to me like you’re bored.” He looked at her, thoughts clearly moving behind his eyes. “I don’t doubt that you’re looking for something else, but I don’t think it’s necessarily something real. I feel like it’s just another goal for you to reach.”
Indignation swam through her. Didn’t he know her better than that? How could he think that she was anything but completely serious? She’d never risk this much unless she was certain. “I’m not bored,” she said. “This isn’t about any kind of goal.” She blinked to keep the tears at bay. She knew why the tears were coming. Because what he’d described was exactly what it looked like. She’d always been so focused on achievement that she hadn’t looked around and noticed the people who meant the most to her. Instead, she’d left them all behind, and the fact that she couldn’t change it made the guilt almost intolerable. She dragged her fingers under her eyes to catch the tears before they fell. “It’s about how I feel about you.”
“So it’s about how you feel.” He stood up and walked toward the vineyards, stopping on a grassy hill, his back to her.