"Is there a law against going to an underground garden with your friend?"
"Well, in my brain, the underground gardens are the most romantic place in the world, so, you're right, I should totally take a friend."
I had been kidding, but I pinned that flyer and coupon to my wall, one of the few things left, and every day for the following three days, I walked by it. On the fourth day, I called Elliot. As a fellow artist, he was sure to appreciate the experience.
"This is beautiful," I said as we walked down two levels of wooden stairs. Vines dripped from the ceiling like stalactites and the air was thick with the sweet aroma of flowers.
"Isn't it?" Elliot said. He'd been to the gardens before, but when I called, he had said he would love to see them again.
Sunlight poured through sections of the ceiling that were open to the sky. The temperature was slightly cooler but also more humid, like we were in our own tropical forest. And the plants that lived there, I guessed, were tropical plants-big colorful flowers and broad-leafed shrubbery. Drip lines ran along the wall, bringing even more moisture to the area. I felt like I had been transported to an island somewhere.
"I love this," I said. The garden was divided into dug-out rooms and we walked slowly through each one.
We weren't the only ones there. Two little kids kept darting past us, their footsteps echoing off the walls as their feet slapped the ground. Their parents tried to keep up with them. A couple was there as well, holding hands and stopping at each display. They looked at each other more than they did the flowers. I remembered telling Cooper this would be a perfect date. I gave Elliot a sideways glance. It didn't feel like a date now. It felt more like a research mission with Elliot. It kind of was. We were both soaking in the inspiration.
"Are you ready for school to start?" he asked.
"Not really." This year would be different. I wouldn't have Cooper. Would I have Rachel? Justin? I hadn't talked to them in a while. I'd sent a few texts to Justin but hadn't wanted to explain anything until they were back. Which they would be in exactly three days. I was both excited to see them and nervous to tell them about the destruction of our friend group. I'd understand if they chose Cooper. I was the one who'd set off the bomb. "You ready?" I asked, trying not to think about it too much.
"It's senior year . . . so no."
We continued down the wide corridor toward the next dug-out room. "There are carvings on the walls," I said, tempted to run my hand along the patterns that manifested between plants and vines.
"I know. They probably took hundreds of hours to complete."
I heard running water somewhere and I left Elliot behind, examining one of the more intricate patterns, to follow the sound to a water feature that took up the corner of one of the rooms. The couple I had seen holding hands was in the room as well. I skirted around them and to the corner. Water poured over stacked rocks and followed a path carved into the floor ending in a pond. Several large koi fish swam in the pond. Images of that day in Cooper's bathroom while we had a memorial service for Amelia's fish came into my brain unbidden. I pushed the side of my fist to my forehead and turned around.
Cooper stood at the roughly carved entrance of the room. At first I thought it was my brain putting his face on someone else's body, since I had just been thinking about him. But then he spoke.
"Abby, don't be mad."
I shook my head. I wasn't mad. Well, I was kind of mad at my body that no matter how many weeks it had been separated from him, it still reacted to the sight of him. It was like feeling rain after spending days in the desert. He was, like my grandpa might say, a sight for sore eyes. His blond hair fell across his forehead just above his intensely blue eyes. I'd almost forgotten how tall and broad he was as well, his frame seeming to fill the entire doorway.
"I sent that flyer to your house."
"What? Why?"
"To get you here. You said this was your dream location. And I've been watching my phone every day since then, and now finally you've come."
"I knew I should've taken that app off my phone."
"I'm glad you didn't."
"Well, here I am."
He walked closer.
I looked around to see that the couple who had been in there before was gone. I crossed my arms over my chest, hoping they would protect me from whatever was about to come out of his mouth. Another speech about how we made the best friends? We did make amazing friends.
"I miss you," he said. His voice was rough, laced with emotion. Now that he was closer I could see the dark circles under his eyes, like he hadn't gotten good sleep in a while.
"I miss you too, Cooper, but . . ."
He held up his hand, and I stopped.
"Please don't say any buts until I finish. Please."
I nodded.
"It's been weeks since I've seen you, and in that time I figured out my fear."
"Being alone?" I asked.
He laughed a little. "No. Although that wasn't fun." He still had the same amazing smile. The one that lit up his whole face. Why couldn't that have changed in the last few weeks? I found myself wishing he were missing a tooth or something. What was I going to say at the end of this if he asked to be friends again? I couldn't do this. My insides were already twisting back up again.
"My fear is being with you."
"What?"
"All this time, Abby, that's what I've feared. On the beach that night a year ago, you told me you loved me and I was scared. Terrified actually. I knew how much I cared about you as a friend. But I knew that if I let myself fall in love with you, that it would be like handing you my heart to hold. I'd be so exposed. So I held on to it tight. Kept it to myself. And I thought I'd succeeded. I thought that I didn't feel the same way about you as you did about me. But that's just because I didn't realize until now what love really felt like. I thought love was that first-meeting emotion. You know, the one that always fades over time. I kept trying to find my happiness there in that emotion. I'd date girls and think, yes, this is what love feels like. But I was never happy. It always felt empty. It wasn't until you left, until you took what my happiness really was away, that I realized love was this." His put his hand on his chest. "This deep, intense caring about someone's well-being. About wanting that person to be okay no matter what happens to yourself. The realization that you, Abby, are already holding my heart and I'm perfectly okay with that. I love you."
I knew Cooper really well. We'd been best friends for nearly four years. So I looked for the signs that he might be lying-avoiding my gaze, fidgeting, biting his lip. But they weren't there. His gaze was steady, as was his stance. "I think you're confusing love with missing me," I said.
His head started shaking back and forth before I'd even finished my sentence. "I knew you'd think that. I knew you'd think I was saying all this because I miss you. Or because I just want you back in my life any way I can have you."
"Yes. That's what I think." My arms were still crossed over my chest and my heart was crashing into them, asking me why I was making him question his declaration.
"I do miss you, Abby. Ugh. I miss you with everything in me." He grabbed hold of the front of his shirt in his fist. "And I do want you back in my life, but I do love you, with my entire soul, and I'm sorry it's taken me so long to realize that."
I swallowed hard. My whole face felt tingly and numb.
And then I heard Elliot's voice before I saw him. "Abby, did you see the huge tree growing up through the roof in the . . ." He trailed off when he turned the corner and saw Cooper. "Oh. Hey, Cooper." Then Elliot's eyes met mine and seemed to ask if I was okay.
I wasn't sure what I was, but it was definitely not okay. Cooper had just told me he loved me and my heart was racing and my mind was racing and I didn't know how to respond. I didn't know if I should grab hold of him and never let go or run the other way because he might change his mind and destroy me for good.
Cooper's smile fell as he looked between Elliot and me. "I'm too late?" he asked. "I'm too late." His face was painted with pain. "What can I do? A duel?" He met my eyes with a sad smirk, sharing our inside joke.
"No, Cooper," I said.
"I have to walk away, don't I? Let you go this time?"
I didn't speak, and I wasn't sure why. Maybe I wanted him to feel the torture of that thought for just a moment. Cooper took the three remaining steps between us and crushed me into a hug that eradicated the rest of my anger. "I'll wait as long as it takes," he whispered. Then he left.
"He finally figured it out?" Elliot asked.
I nodded. "I'm sorry. I need to go."
"I know."
I ran.
I ran through the maze of the underground garden and up the stairs. The sun blinded me for a moment when I made it outside, breathless. When my vision cleared, I saw Cooper's car in the parking lot. I ran to it, but he wasn't inside. I turned a full circle, but he wasn't anywhere, not up the street walking it off, not at the small gift shop where the admission tickets were sold. Nowhere.