“I know. I am as well, actually,” Lottie said. Happily surprised. “My grandmother sent Agnes and Abram to Laroche’s grocery, so I thought it would be an opportune time to deliver a few clothes from Justine.”
“Do you need to leave soon? I hoped to talk to you.” He looked down for a moment. “I know the last time we saw one another was… brief, so…”
“Yes. I mean no.” Lottie, you have known this man almost your whole life. Breathe. “Let me start over. Yes, it was brief. No, I don’t need to leave soon. At least I don’t think so. You know how I lose track of time.”
He grinned. “That I do. Let me quickly tell Sister I’ll be outside, and we can talk while you wait.”
Lottie nodded, but as she watched him and his long stride covering twice the distance hers would have, she wished she had said she didn’t have time. Some things are better not talked about. Once one knew the answer, one couldn’t pretend that one didn’t. And what if she had been the foolish one? Maybe her feelings for Gabriel were not his feelings for her. Did any of it even matter, considering the circumstances?
She decided that when he returned she would tell him she thought they’d be returning soon and they could talk later. She fingered the cameo brooch at her neck, a gift from Rosette on her eighteenth birthday. The Wedgwood-blue jasper cameo was mounted in silver and showed a woman selling love tokens. Taken aback by the extravagance, Lottie had refused the gift, telling Rosette she should save it for Alcee. Rosette told her that her daughter was not being deprived and that Lottie had been like a daughter to her, She was adamant that Lottie accept it.
Gabriel walked up, extending his arm. “Am I destined to always be recovering this for you?”
If only that could be true. Lottie smiled sheepishly and took her bonnet from him.
* * * * *
Set back from the street, the girls’ home featured an expanse of lawn and a cobblestone path that wound its way to the gate leading to the banquette beyond. Lottie appreciated the coolness, as she already felt flushed just anticipating the conversation between herself and Gabriel.
He set his hat on his head, took it off, and rotated it in his hands. “I hadn’t planned to be at your house that day. Some situations happened, and I knew I could ask Agnes to help. The point is…” He looked across the lawn and then returned his gaze to Lottie. “I probably would not have stopped if I had known you would be home.”
Lottie wished she had her muff, not that the weather dictated it necessary. If she had it, she could wring out the confusion and disappointment already twisting her hands. She managed an “Oh.”
He gently placed his hand on her arm. “Wait. I didn’t mean to sound as if I don’t want to see you. I do. But that’s the problem. I—”
They had reached the gate and Lottie’s attention was drawn to the approaching clip-clopping of horses’ hooves. Abram stopped the fiacre and nodded in Lottie’s direction. She didn’t want to move, because Gabriel would have to let go of her arm, and what was left unspoken hung between them and refused to be ignored.
She lifted her face to meet Gabriel’s, and she felt him grasp her arm as if to prevent her from disappearing. “Lottie, this is not what I had planned. But if I do not say this now, I do not know if it will ever be said. And even in the saying of it, I know nothing can change. I want you to know that I have avoided you not because I don’t care about you, but because I do. I don’t know when my heart realized that our relationship was more than just friendship. But—”
“Gabriel,” she stopped him. Lottie despised herself for what she was about to do. She wanted to hear him say more, as she wished she could have said more as well. How many times had she imagined this moment? The moment she would hear him say he loved her. These dreams all ended the same, with Gabriel drawing her close, cradling her face in his strong hands, and kissing her with a fierce tenderness.
But she had to save him from himself, from sacrificing his heart. She moved his hand from her arm. “Don’t. I treasure our friendship. I hope never to lose you as an important person in my life. As for more than that, I don’t want to mislead you or disappoint you.”
His pain and confusion etched themselves in the furrows of his forehead, the firm set of his lips. His eyes searched her face as if she had transformed into a stranger. Then, as if she were someone he had mistaken her for, Gabriel donned his hat and took a step backward. “Then, that is what we will be. Comme il faut. I understand.”
You do not. You do not understand, Lottie’s heart screamed. But all Gabriel heard was silence.