I felt like punching a hole in the wall while picturing his face but I don’t move. Keeping her close, keeping her grounded to me, was for both our benefit. I wanted her to give it all to me. So I pressed her for it.
“When did it start?”
“Physically the night of our honeymoon, he slapped me. I was going to leave but he begged me to stay, promised me the world and I believed him. He hit me again the following evening. His fist closed this time, knocking me out. When I woke up, it was too late. He’d taken my purse, my phone, and my keys. He locked me in our bedroom. There was no way out,” I pressed my lips against her shoulder, breathing her in. She was lost in her words but her body relaxed further into mine with each one spoken. “He came into the room a few hours later. His face was twisted, unrecognizable, monstrous even. I begged him to let me go. He wouldn’t. When he grew tired of my pleading, he looked at me, smiled real big and said ‘Darlin’, you aren’t going anywhere, ever again.’ He crossed the room and stuck me with a needle. The next time I woke I was in strange house, one I’d never been to before. The rest is history.”
She turns in my arms and pushes against my chest, “No, stop. I can’t...there are things…if you knew what I did you wouldn’t even want to look at me.”
“Not true,” I tighten my hold on her just to prove her wrong. I open my mouth to speak but she beats me to it.
“I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, Hudson, really I do but this,” she frowns, searching for the words. “This thing between us, it can never be.”
“Because he won’t let you?” I ask challenging her. She still didn’t understand how much he was holding her back. She’d taken great strides tonight but my gut told me to keep pushing.
“Because I’m not good enough,” she says forcefully, pushing me back. I was right, another nasty trick from dear Erik. Of course she’s good enough, more than. At that’s where the problem really lies. She was too good for me.
“Says who?”
“Does it matter?”
“Yes, it does.”
“Why?”
Something inside of me finally snaps and I’m done holding back. I need her in my arms when I say the words. I need to her to feel my heart against hers. I move fast, faster than she expects, scooping her up into my arms, lifting her eye level with me. I stare into her doe-eyes dead on and lay it on her.
“Because I’m the one who isn’t good enough. Not you. It’s the other way around. You are the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen. The courage in your eyes, even now, is absolutely breathtaking. The strength in your body, the warmth in your soul, after six years of hell. Fuck, baby, I’m not worthy of you.”
*****
Alice
I don’t believe him. I can’t. I won’t. Didn’t he hear what I said? Any of it? I chose the monster. I chose Erik. Therefore, I’m not worth his time.
“Yes, I heard every word but you’re still wrong. You didn’t deserve any of it. That’s him, right there, in your head,” he says softly. I cringe realizing I’d spoken my thoughts out loud. I haven’t spoken in years and now I don’t seem to have an off switch.
“I like hearing you talk, even if it’s bullshit coming out of your mouth,” he grins. Crap, another slip.
“Put me down please.”
“I don’t want to. I like feeling you close to me,” his grin grows bigger, if at all possible.
“Hudson, please,” I’m on the verge of tears. “I’m tired.”
His words hit me in the chest, directly in the heart. His intentions I’m sure but this entire night has been a whirlwind. Everything is backwards. How can he believe he isn’t worthy of me?
“We can sleep when we’re dead.”
“My throat hurts,” I whisper truthfully. I hadn’t spoken in so long, I was sure I’d forgotten how to do it. It was a shock to discover the mechanics of it still worked. I was also desperate for space but I didn’t know how to tell him that. I need time to process what has happened.
He lets me go and I slide down the length of his body. For a brief moment I allow myself to feel him pressed close against me, to enjoy his hard chest under my palms, to absorb the warmth of his body. I allow myself a moment to pretend this is the start of us, something beautiful and something pure, untainted by our pasts. I let him be Hudson and I let myself be the girl who’s falling in love with him.
I step away from him after my allotted moment and immediately begin to miss him.
“Goodnight Hudson.”
“Get some rest,” he tells me. I nod, quietly padding my way to the bedroom.