I’m sorry, the words leave me confused and I frown.
“You’re sorry?” I say incredulously. “What do you have to be sorry about? I’m the one who acted like an ass.”
She flips the paper and smirks.
Yes, you were an ass but I’m sure this hasn’t been easy for you. I’m not exactly the perfect houseguest.
Perfect houseguest, what the fuck was she talking about?
“Alice, you’ve been amazing,” I reach for her hand but she moves it back and into her lap. Her eyes are guarded. “I’m serious. You’ve done nothing wrong.”
She flips the page again. Damn, she put some thought into this and what she wanted to say.
Hudson, I know my situation has made everything more difficult for you. You don’t know me and I’m not exactly forthcoming with information. You’ve been very kind and very patient. I want you to know I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.
My throat tightened. I didn’t know what to say. What did she think last night was about? She’s done nothing wrong!
“Please stop,” I whisper unable to say much more. She flips the page again.
Dinner was a bad idea but I wanted to say thank you for what you’ve done for me. Cooking is something I enjoy doing but haven’t been able to do in a long time. But I should’ve asked your permission first. I won’t make that mistake again.
I swallow hard. My stomach feels heavy and laden with rocks. She flips the page again.
You don’t have to apologize to me. I’m the one interrupting your life and causing havoc. Just please give me a couple of days to figure out where I’m going to go next.
“You aren’t going anywhere,” I bite harshly, too harsh but it was to hide the rush of fear spiking through my chest. She blanches. “I mean, stay. You don’t have to go. I don’t want you to go.”
She frowns and nibbles her bottom lip. Flipping the page on her notepad she picks up her pen and begins to write. The determined look across her face is strained.
“Alice, stop it, I don’t want to read that. It’s wrong. You’re wrong. This is wrong,” I throw up my hands, the room feels stuffy and hot. She looks up from her pad and puts down her pen. I flounder, needing to say the words, explain why I acted like the world’s biggest ass. The words aren’t there though. “Fuck, I don’t know how to do this.”
Her face softens and she leans forward grabbing my hand this time. Her touch feels good on my skin. I concentrate on it for a moment, running everything through my head. There is too much at stake to fuck it up now. I take a deep breath, look into her eyes and suddenly everything is clear. I care deeply for her, deeper than I’ve let myself believe.
You can’t be in love with her, my mind shouts. I try to block it out but I can’t, it keeps going. You can’t give her what she deserves. You’re going to hurt her.
I shake my head trying to clear it. It was the truth though and it doesn’t matter how much I care for her because I’m no good for her. I have to try to find a way to put space and distance between us. For her own good. Maybe if she understood the darkness buried down inside of me, maybe then she would see the damage and want nothing with me. Saving us both some heartache. I let go of her hand and reach for my scotch, liquid courage never sounded so good.
Here goes nothing.
Chapter 15
Hudson
“Three years ago, I lost my best friend during a roadside bombing,” I stare down at the contents in my glass remembering the moment. “We were doing a routine patrol when an IED went off. Two of our team, Tango and Frankie were killed in the blast. The rest of us scrambled to find cover, in case of an ambush. Sneak was pinned under the cab of one of the humvees, alive but pretty out of it. We managed to lift the vehicle off of him but he couldn’t feel his legs. We had to drag him and as we were pulling him away from the wreckage, the shooting began. We were heavily under fire, outnumbered and surrounded. Charlie was hit in the leg, Kingston in the shoulder and Preacher, he took one to the chest pushing Bear out of the line of fire.”
I can’t bring myself to look her, to see the pity on her face. I’m struggling to say the words, to tell her the next part. I’ve never talked about that day. I’m pretty sure none of the guys have but with Alice and her silence, it was easy.
“Preacher, my best friend, my brother, was the kind of man I aspired to be and he died in my arms. His last words weren’t for his family, they were for me. He looked at me, his eyes filled with fear and said the words choking on his own blood,” I wipe at the tears falling from my eyes and take a deep breath, trying to suppress the rising nausea. No one but my brother’s knew what he said and I sure as hell wasn’t going to tell Preacher’s wife, Charlotte, his words weren't meant for her and their three children. I was too afraid of hurting her anymore than she already was. She should have been his last thought, not me. The anguish of the memory is heavy in my chest but Alice squeezes my hand urging me on. “Don’t be afraid to live brother. She’ll be worth it...those were the last words he spoke. He should’ve been worried for his family, not me. The fear in his eyes, it was for me. He wasted it on me.”