“You smokin’ again, Mav? Thought you gave that shit up.”
“I’ve got a lot on my mind, Clay.”
“Yeah, you and me both, brother. What time are you gettin’ here? Quinn’s wantin’ to wait for you before we leave for the church, but if you’re not close, we’re going to have to just head on over.”
“Don’t wait for me, Clay. I’m not really sure I want to go.”
“What?” His voice is hard, unforgiving, and it fucking kills me that I’m letting him down. Again.
“You heard me, Clay. What’s the point? The old man didn’t want me around ten years ago, so makes sense he wouldn’t want me there now either.”
“Roll your goddamn window up so I can hear somethin’ other than your fuckin’ tires,” Clay demands.
I take another long drag before flicking my cigarette out the window and rolling it up, switching the AC on before the thick Texas heat kills me.
Clay’s silent for a beat. I hear his boots striking the ground through our connection, the heavy tread his tell that he’s pissed. “Here, asshole. You’re thinkin’ of not comin’, tell Quinn that, and I’ll talk to you later.”
He says a few words that I can’t make out before my little sister’s voices takes his place, coming through sweet and sorrowful over the speakers in my truck.
“Hey,” she says softly. “You almost here, Mav?” She sniffles a few times and I silently curse Clay for playing the Quinn card.
“Hey, hell-raiser,” I say with a sigh, wishing I wasn’t driving and I could go to the nearest liquor store and spend the next few hours blissfully drunk. “I’ll meet you guys at the church. I’m still an hour or so out.”
“Okay, Mav. Love you.”
“Love you too, darlin’.”
I wait, knowing Clay isn’t going to miss a chance to get back on the phone after getting what he wanted by using our sister.
“I’ll see you there, Mav.” He lowers his voice, probably so Quinn won’t hear him laying into me. “Don’t fuck this day up. You don’t want to be there, I get that, but things weren’t like they were when you left. You didn’t want to hear it before, but it’s time. Get over your pride and make sure you show up, if not for him—do it for Quinn. Don’t let her down when she needs you the most.”
I don’t respond, instead disconnecting the call, shutting off the stale AC, and rolling the window back down. The steady hum of my tires against the hot asphalt is the only thing I hear as my thoughts consume me yet again.
It’s been a decade since I last stepped foot in Pine Oak, Texas. Other than Clay and Quinn, there was nothing left for me there.
That’s a lie.
My foot jerks on the gas as the whispered thought floats through my mind. I can’t let myself go there. Not when there is so much unknown in my life. Not since the one way I’ve been able to find peace in my mind is now gone—and the other is the one thing I can’t allow myself to hope for anymore.
I kept in touch with my brother and sister over the years, but Clay’s right—I didn’t want to hear shit about the goings-on. There was only one person other than them that, at one time, I would have soaked up any mention of, but pride stopped me from ever asking, the regrets eating me alive too much to bear. Not for the first time, I wonder how things would have turned out had I not been so hell-bent on escaping.
With every turn of my tires, the dread in my stomach multiplies and the pounding in my skull grows louder. My skin flushes hot then cold as my breathing speeds up. All this time away, and just being close to home makes me feel trapped all over again, which makes not a damn bit of sense seeing as the one man who held the keys to my metaphorical cage is dead.
I told myself all those years ago I would never look back. Nothing would ever make it worth coming back to this hellhole.
That’s a lie.
“Goddammit!” I bellow, the sound harsh and a little panicked even to my own ears.
Yeah, I used riding as an excuse to get away from Pine Oak. It wasn’t a lie, per se; the need to ride has always been an inch just below the skin, something I couldn’t ignore. It was what I used to leave, my excuse to escape. But there was one thing I might have actually wanted more than even riding—and, because I ran away from it, I’ve spent every day with the ghost of regrets licking out of the shadows.
I left to chase my dreams—but I also left to escape him, knowing that after the hell he put me through my whole life, leaving to do the one thing I knew he despised so much would be a giant fuck you to him.