“In her own way, Quinny. I think she did in her own way.” I push the words out even though I’m not even sure how many of them are true.
“How can you defend her?” Clay barks.
“How can I not? I know you’re angry, Clay. I get it—trust me, I do. You have to remember, I’ve had a lot of time to get to this point of acceptance. I hated her for a long time too but holding on to that was dragging me down. When I think back to the time that she was actually here, she didn’t act like he did. She smiled. She laughed and played with us. That woman is the one I choose to remember instead of the ghost of her that haunted the house long after she was gone. That woman is the one I cling to when I wake up shaking with the nightmare of what she became. I have to believe that she loved us, even if it was a tiny part of her.”
“She left us!” he bellows. “She fucking left us with him, knowing what would happen. Don’t you even think of defending that, because he was never any different.”
I lose Leigh’s hand when I stand. Quinn squeaks and quickly moves the legs that she had stretched out in front of her. I stomp past her and stand right in front of where Clay is sitting.
“I fuckin’ left you too!” I thunder. “I left you just like she did, Clayton. Be fuckin’ pissed. Hate her. Hell, hate me. But remember that she wasn’t the only one that disappeared knowing what you were being left with. She wasn’t the only one that made those choices and in turn hurt every single person she loved. So yeah, I can fuckin’ defend her knowin’ that I followed the same fuckin’ path!”
My chest is heaving by the time I stop shouting at him. He doesn’t move, though. His jaw continues to tick, the only part of him that shows me just how angry he is. Clay’s the master of control, but it’s slipping.
“You let that anger inside you win, Clay, then you become the very beast you’re so angry with. She loved us in her own way. Even if she hadn’t had me as a result of cheatin’ on Buford, she wouldn’t have stuck around. Sometimes the stubborn will to escape and survive is just too strong. In the end, regardless of the bullshit we were dealt, we have each other, and nothin’ can ever take that away unless you give it the power to do so. Don’t give that to them.”
“I wish she was fuckin’ dead.” His control snaps in that moment and he drops his head. He breaks, and I’m thankful that I’m standing right in front of him. The first choked cry that he tries to hide from us kicks me into action. I bend and wrap my arms around my big brother, giving him the strength I didn’t find for almost a decade, praying it doesn’t take him that long to make peace with this.
“You don’t, Clay. You’re hurtin’ and confused because it’s so fresh. I’m here every step of the way to help you get past this.”
I hear Leigh and Quinn talking quietly before their footsteps leave us. I know she’s going to be there for my sister while I give Clay my undivided attention and support. Both of them are going to have a hard time, I know it, and all we can do is help them reach the other side. I don’t want them to make my mistakes. They deserve the kind of freedom they will find after pushing through the things that have held them back because of our family’s past.
“Clay, I need you to listen to me.” He pulls back. The bruising hold that he had been clinging to me with easing now that he isn’t squeezing me like a vice. “I never wanted you to feel what you’re feelin’ in this moment, but I know now that I did more harm than good by keepin’ it from you. I’ve kept you from movin’ on, even if you didn’t realize you were bein’ held back all this time. I’ve spent so many years lost because I felt just like you do right now. We can’t change what they did, the people they were, but we can make sure we don’t repeat history. I’m here for you every step of the way. I hope that, with time, you’ll be ready to let it go. It wasn’t somethin’ I was able to do overnight, but I tell you that the reward that’s waitin’ for you when you set that shit free is worth every second of feelin’ like your insides are burning. All that pain is worth it when you allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to accept another person’s love.”
“It fuckin’ kills,” he says through a heavy exhale.
“Not denyin’ that, Clay, but I would live it all over again as long as I knew I would end up livin’ the life I have now.”
He looks at me, really fucking looks at me. I can’t see his face clearly through the shadows, but when he nods, I know he understands what I’m telling him.