Lost Love (Cowboys and Angels #1)(43)

My chin trembled as I dropped my gaze to the velvet bag. The ache I always felt when I looked at this bag hit me like a brick wall, but something about having Steed here made it hurt a little less.

“I…I need to show you this.” Lifting my head, our eyes locked. “I’ve tried moving on. I mean, I have moved on, but a part of me remains held back. Still lost in that storm.”

My words fell out between sobs. “I hated you for leaving me alone. I hated you for leaving me. You were my entire life, Steed, the reason I breathed, and you left me.”

His eyes filled with tears as he waited for me to keep talking.

Swallowing hard, I opened the bag. It still held a beautiful card and the velvet blue ring box, but now there were two other items.

I pulled out the box and card. Steed never took his eyes off of them as I set them on the end table next to my bed. Facing him, I dragged in a shaky breath. His eyes searched mine, desperate to figure out what I was going to take out.

Reaching in, I took out a piece of paper along with the little plastic bag that held the pregnancy test I took the day I found out I was pregnant.

Steed sucked in a breath and took a step back.

“My therapist kept telling me I needed to find to way to say good-bye. But I couldn’t say good-bye.” Tears streamed down my face.

“I needed you to be here with me. I needed…you…to be h-here.”

Steed’s eyes bounced from mine to what I held in my hand. “Is that…?”

His voice shook and I watched a tear slip from his eye and trail down his face.

Lifting my hand, I handed him the sonogram picture of our child. “When I took the test and found out I was pregnant, I went to the doctor to confirm it.”

Steed’s shaking hand took the picture. “Our baby,” he whispered while running his finger over the picture. My breath caught in my throat, and my heart slammed against my chest. There were countless times I wished I had showed him that picture when I told him that day. Maybe it would have changed things. But it didn’t matter. I needed to let go of the what-ifs.

“Oh God, what did I do?” His eyes snapped to mine. “I’m so sorry.”

I shook my head. “You didn’t do anything. It wasn’t…meant to be.” The words were hard to get out of my mouth, yet at the same time, to hear myself say it was almost healing.

Closing his eyes, Steed broke down. He dropped to the floor. “Our baby. Paxton, our baby.”

My hands came up to my mouth as I tried to keep my own sobs back. Steed was on his knees, leaning over with his head dropped down. Sobs rocking his body.

“Our baby. Paxton, our baby. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there. I wasn’t there.”

My heart seized. Steed was mourning the loss of our child. My eyes locked on his trembling body. I wasn’t sure how he would react when I showed him the picture. I simply wanted him to see our child. Feel that love like I had so many times. The only way I could move on was if I shared this with him. I never in my life imagined he would fall apart…exactly like I had done so many times. I dropped down in front of him. He lifted his head, and I gasped when I saw all the guilt, pain, and hurt in his eyes.

Shaking my head, I forced myself to speak. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

He pinched his eyes together. “You don’t have anything to say sorry to. I left you. I left you alone, and I’ll never forgive myself. Never.”

We kneeled in front of each other, so vulnerable and open. Bleeding hearts exposed for each of us to see. He saw my pain; I saw his hurt. Guilt engulfed me. Was it selfish of me to show him this? Was it wrong of me to want him to know the child we lost?

“I’m not trying to hurt you. I wanted you to know.”

He cupped my face in his hands. The fire from his touch shot through my veins like a bolt of lightning. Even in our darkest hour, his touch thrilled me.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I’m sorry you went through it all alone.” He closed his eyes and took in a shaky breath before focusing back on me. “Please…please tell me you forgive me. Paxton, I’d rather die than know you won’t forgive me.”

His pleading words felt like they wrapped around my broken heart, healing the tear that his leaving had left. So many days I spent alone, crying like my entire world had ended because I had lost the baby. But now, staring into the eyes of the only man I’d ever loved, I realized I mourned the loss of Steed more, and I was just as much to blame as he was.

“When you left and didn’t come back—” My voice shook and I needed a moment to steady myself before I continued. “I didn’t see it then, but it was my fault. I pushed you away because I was devastated we lost the baby. But when I realized you weren’t coming back, I died inside knowing I lost you.”