Lost Love (Cowboys and Angels #1)(31)

Confusion laced her face.

“I met Kim at a party a few weeks after my mother told me you were getting engaged. She was supposed to make me forget, as fucked up as that sounds. I never felt a connection with her, but she was the total opposite of you. We dated for a bit, and I realized I needed to be honest with her. The night I was planning to break up with her was the same night her parents died. She was a mess for weeks. Her best friend talked me into asking her to marry me because she was afraid she would kill herself if she didn’t have anything to look forward to. I felt so guilty and if only I had known at the time all that guilt was for what happened with you and had nothing to do with Kim…”

I paused and took in another long deep breath. “At the same time, I was still angry about Joe and the idea of you dating him. I thought you had moved on, Paxton.”

Her brows pinched together.

My heart was pounding so fucking hard in my chest as I tried to get everything out as fast as I could. I’d waited so long to tell Paxton everything. Now that I was standing in front of her, I was more scared than ever that she’d hate me even more.

Taking in a deep breath, I continued. “So I asked Kim and we got married. It didn’t take me long to realize what a huge fucking mistake it was. I told Kim I wanted a divorce. Then I called Mom, told her I was coming back to Texas as soon as I graduated and get divorced. I was going to try and work things out with you.”

“What?” Paxton covered her stomach and her mouth like she was about to get sick.

“Pax? Are you okay?”

She shook her head. “No. I need to sit down.”





I was going to be sick. Steed was going to come home? He was coming back for me?

Sinking into the chair, I reached for the bottle of rum and went to take a drink when Steed took it. “Let me get you water instead, pumpkin.”

Pumpkin. Each time he called me the pet name my lower stomach pulled with want.

Steed opened the refrigerator and looked around for the waters. He handed me one, and I quickly took a drink. “Keep going,” I managed to say.

When his hand pushed through that dark brown hair, I had to hold back a moan.

“Um, well, I told Kim I wanted a divorce. She had told me she was on birth control, but even after we got married I kept using condoms.”

The idea of Steed sleeping with another woman nearly killed me. I knew he had of course, but hearing him say it hurt more than I ever dreamed.

“Was she…was she not?”

“I don’t know. I’m pretty sure she stopped taking them before we got married. From what I could piece together from her crazy ass friends, Kim saw an article in Texas Monthly that had my parents listed as one of the wealthiest families in Texas. She started talking about us moving to Texas. I knew that was never going to happen. It was then I realized I was lying to myself. I was in love with you still and I needed to get out of the marriage.”

I swallowed even though my throat felt like it was coated in cotton. “But she was pregnant?”

Steed’s eyes fell. “Yes. When she told me I felt sick. The only thing I could think was how it was supposed to be you.”

He slowly lifted his eyes to meet mine. “You were the woman I dreamed of marrying and having kids with. Even after I left Texas. Kim was nothing but a mistake.”

Pressing my lips together, I tried not to start crying again.

“Then the guilt hit. Hard. As much as I wanted to tell her it didn’t matter, I was too afraid to make the same mistake. I’d already told her about you. That I could never love her because I’d given my heart to another woman. She insisted the baby would change things. I knew it wouldn’t. I was too afraid to upset her though…if she lost the baby it would be my fault. Again.”

A tear slipped down his cheek and my heart ached at the sight. “Steed, it wasn’t your fault. Our child wasn’t meant to be.”

His head dropped and I sat there stunned as I watched his shoulders rock while he cried. “Every damn day I wake up and I think about it, Paxton. There’s not…there’s not a single day where I don’t think about it. I need you to know that.”

I couldn’t move. I was frozen in place as I watched Steed grieve for our child. Covering my mouth, I cried along with him.

“There was no fucking way I was doing it again. I couldn’t live with myself.”

My heart ached.

He wiped his tears and looked back at me. “So I stayed. And she had the baby and then I felt the guilt all over again because I fell madly in love with this…b-beautiful child. But she wasn’t…she wasn’t your child. I didn’t know how to deal with that. I had planned on telling Kim I wanted a divorce after she had the baby, but I wasn’t sure how the custody would work. When I did finally tell her, she threatened to take Chloe from me and said I’d never be able to find them.”