I didn’t even bothering trying to keep my tears back. The only woman I ever loved was hurting and it was my fault. Again.
“Because of this. Seeing how much I keep hurting you. It kills…” I had to clear my throat to keep speaking. “It kills me knowing what I did to you and our child. When I left, I was…consumed with researching miscarriages. When you said I caused it to happen, I…knew it was the truth.”
Paxton stood there staring at me. Her arms wrapped around her body.
“I started drinking to try and drown out your cries.” My jaw ached from trying so hard to keep my emotions in check. “It never worked. They only got louder. Your voice repeated in my head that you hated me, and I knew if I came back, this would happen and you’d hate me all over again. I was a coward and I couldn’t handle seeing you…seeing you…”
My head dropped and I had to take in a few deep breaths.
“I almost quit school,” she said.
Jerking my head up, I asked, “What?”
Paxton leaned against the counter as she wiped her cheeks. Streaks of black smeared her beautiful face.
“When you never came back that summer, I knew you never were coming back. It hurt so much without you there. Everywhere I turned there was a memory of you. Of us. My life was nothing but heartache. I was in the middle of a storm, and I had no idea how to run from it. So I pretended everything was okay. I did what my parents expected me to do, and I went to A and M. But all I felt was pain. When I met Corina I put on a good front for the first couple of months until I saw an Oregon football game and your name was announced. You were the star player from Texas who walked on and made it at Oregon State. I found myself outside in the rain just standing there. The storm cloud had followed me, and I knew I would never be able to stop hurting. I stopped going to class. I partied, drank, and more than once I almost did something I knew I would regret the rest of my life.”
My breath stalled in my chest.
She smiled. “But they weren’t you, Steed. So I always walked away before anything happened. But the hurt kept growing, and I didn’t know how to deal with it. Corina made me tell her everything. She’s the only person I’ve ever told about the baby and what happened. Well, besides the counselor I started going to. I finally learned...”
Covering her mouth, she closed her eyes. I walked up and put my hands on her arms. Paxton dropped her hands. “I learned to grieve the loss of the baby and the only man I’ve ever loved.”
I closed my eyes and struggled to take in air. My lungs burned as each breath moved in and out painfully.
“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there.” Opening my eyes, I gazed into hers. The sadness told me Paxton was not done grieving. “Paxton, if I could go back.” I dragged in a shaky breath. “If I could change how stupid and selfish and…I don’t even know the words I’m looking for to describe what an asshole I was. But if I could go back to that day you told me you were pregnant, I would have never walked away. I fucked up twice, and there isn’t anything I can do to take it back.”
She wiped her tears away. “I know that.”
Lifting my hand, I pushed a piece of loose hair behind her ear. “Paxton, I never stopped loving you.”
Her chin trembled. “Why…why did you move on then?”
I shook my head. “I never moved on.”
With a frown, she glared. “I’m sorry, what? Steed, you got married! You had a baby! You moved on.”
“No. This is what I wanted to talk about. The other night at Cord’s place you didn’t let me explain. Mom used to keep me up to date with what was going on with you. She’d ask your mom how you were. It killed her that you stopped coming around.”
Paxton sniffled. “It killed me too.”
I placed my hand on the side of her face, and I thought for sure she would move away, but she didn’t.
“One day she told me you were dating Joe Miller. I didn’t even know the fucker went to A and M. His mom told my mom she thought y’all were going to be getting engaged and that a wedding would follow soon after.”
Paxton’s eyes widened in shock. “What?”
Dropping my hand, I took a few steps back and leaned on the other counter across from Paxton. “I went fucking insane with the thought of you marrying him. Hell, you simply dating him drove me crazy. All the guilt and anger I had tried to bury came rushing back. The thought that I walked away from the love of my life left me sick to my stomach. I told my mother I didn’t want to hear anything else about you. I forbid her to talk about you and if she brought you up, I’d threaten to hang up.”