I squeeze her tight, then kiss her on the forehead. I know she probably needs to regain her bearings right now, so I stand up and pull on my jeans and T-shirt, then help her back into her dress. “I’ll go get you some water. I’ll be right back.” I lean forward, not sure if she even wants me near her right now, but I kiss her on the lips to reassure her.
I walk out of my room and head straight down to the kitchen. As soon as my elbows meet the countertop, I bury my face in my arms and muster up every ounce of willpower in me to stop myself from breaking down. I inhale several deep breaths, exhaling even bigger ones, hoping I can stay strong for her. But seeing her that helpless and knowing there was nothing I could do to help her?
It’s the most disappointed in myself I’ve ever been.
Chapter Thirty-eight
* * *
I’m still leaning on the counter with my head in my hands when I hear a door close upstairs. I’ve been down here for several minutes now and I don’t want her to think I’m trying to avoid her, so I head back upstairs. I check the bedroom and bathroom, but she’s not in either. I look at Les’s bedroom door and pause before reaching down and turning the knob.
She’s sitting on Les’s bed, holding a picture. “What are you doing?” I ask her. I don’t know why she’s in here. I don’t want to be in here and I want her to come back to my room with me.
“I was looking for the bathroom,” she says quietly. “I’m sorry. I just needed a second.”
I nod, since I apparently needed a second, too. I look around the room. I haven’t set foot in here since the day I found the notebook. Her jeans are still in the middle of the floor, right where she left them.
“Has no one been in here? Since she . . .”
“No,” I say, not wanting to hear her finish that sentence. “What would be the point of it? She’s gone.”
She nods, then places the picture back down on the nightstand. “Was she dating him?”
Her question throws me for a second, then I realize she must have seen a picture of Les and Grayson together. I never told her they dated. I should have told her.
I step into the bedroom for the first time in over a year. I walk to the bed and take a seat next to her. I slowly scan the room, wondering why my mom and I thought it would be a better idea to just close the door after she died, rather than get rid of her things. I guess neither of us is ready to let her go just yet.
I glance at Sky and she’s still looking at the picture frame on Les’s nightstand. I wrap my arm around her shoulders and pull her to me. She brings a hand to my chest and clenches my shirt in her fist.
“He broke up with her the night before she did it,” I say, giving her an explanation. I don’t really want to talk about it, but the only other thing left to talk about is what just happened in my bed and I know Sky more than likely needs a little more time before we bring that up.
“Do you think he’s the reason why she did it? Is that why you hate him so much?”
I shake my head. “I hated him before he broke up with her. He put her through a lot of shit, Sky. And no, I don’t think he’s why she did it. I think maybe it was the deciding factor in a decision she had wanted to make for a long time. She had issues way before Grayson ever came into the picture. So no, I don’t blame him. I never have.” I grab her hand and stand up, because I honestly don’t want to talk about it. I thought I could, but I can’t. “Come on. I don’t want to be in here anymore.”
I take her hand and she stands up, then we walk toward the door. She yanks her hand free once I reach the door, so I turn around. She’s staring at a picture of me and Les when we were kids.
She’s smiling at the picture, but my pulse immediately quickens when I realize that she’s seeing me and Les as children. She’s seeing us in the exact way she used to know us. I don’t want her to remember. If she were to have even the slightest recollection right now, she might start asking questions. The last thing she needs after the breakdown she just had is to find out the truth.