"Because I needed you to love him," Julian said. His face was the color of the ashes in the grate. "Because if you threw me away and everything we had, it had better be for something that meant more to you, it had better be for something real, but maybe none of this is ever real to you-"
"Not real to me?" Emma's voice tore out of her throat with such force it hurt. Her body felt as if electric sparks were running under her veins, shocking her, pushing her rage higher and higher, and she wasn't even angry at Jules, she was angry at herself, she was angry at the world for doing this to them, for making her the only one who knew, the guardian of a poisonous, poisoning secret. "You don't know what you're talking about, Julian Blackthorn! You don't know what I've given up, what my reasons are for anything, you don't know what I'm trying to do-"
"What you're trying to do? How about what you did do? How about breaking my heart and breaking Cameron's and breaking Mark's?" His face twisted. "What, am I missing someone else, some other person whose life you want to wreck forever?"
"Your life isn't wrecked. You're still alive. You can have a good life! You kissed that faerie girl-"
"She was a leanansídhe! A shape-changer! I thought she was you!"
"Oh." Emma stood for a moment, arrested in mid-motion. "Oh."
"Yes, oh. You really think I'm going to fall in love with someone else?" Julian demanded. "You think I get to do that? I'm not you, I don't get to fall in love every week with someone different. I wish it wasn't you, Emma, but it is, it'll always be you, so don't tell me my life isn't wrecked when you don't know the first thing about it!"
Emma slammed her hand against the wall. The plaster cracked, spidering out from the impact point. She felt the pain only distantly. A roiling black wave of despair rose, threatening to overwhelm her. "What do you want from me, Jules?" she demanded. "What do you want me to do?"
Julian took a step forward; his face looked as if it had been carved out of marble or something even harder, even more unyielding. "What do I want?" he said. "I want you to know what it's like. To be tortured all the time, night and day, desperately wanting what you know you should never want, what doesn't even want you back. To know how it feels to understand that a decision you made when you were twelve years old means you can never have the one thing that would make you truly happy. I want you to dream about only one thing and want only one thing and obsess about only one thing like I do-"
"Julian-" she gasped, desperate to stop him, to stop all this before it was too late.
"-like I do with you!" he finished, the words spat out almost savagely. "Like I do with you, Emma." The rage seemed to have gone out of him; he was shaking now instead, as if in the grip of shock. "I thought you loved me," he said, almost in a whisper. "I don't know how I got that so wrong."
Her heart cracked. She twisted away, away from the look in his eyes, away from his voice, away from the shattering of all her carefully made plans. She clawed the door open-she heard Julian call her name, but she had already plunged out of the cottage and into the storm.
24
LEGION
The crest of Chapel Cliff was a tower in a maelstrom: slick rock rising toward the sky, surrounded on three sides by the boiling cauldron of the ocean.
The sky above was gray, streaked with black, hanging heavy as a rock over the small town and the sea beyond. The water was high in the harbor, raising the fishing boats to the level of the windows of the dockside houses. The small craft tossed and turned on the crests of the waves.
More waves crashed up against the cliff, spraying whitecaps into the air. Emma stood within a whirlwind of swirling water, the smell of the sea all around, the sky exploding above her, lightning forking through the clouds.
She spread her arms out wide. She felt as if the lightning were exploding down through her, into the rocks at her feet, into the water that slammed up in gray-green sheets, almost vertical against the sky. All around her the granite spires that gave Chapel Cliff its name rose like a stone forest, like the points of a crown. The rock under her feet was slippery with wet moss.
All her life, she had loved storms-loved the explosions tearing through the sky, loved the soul-baring ferocity of them. She hadn't thought when she'd burst out of the cottage, at least not logically; she'd been desperate to get away before she told Julian everything he could never know. Let him think she'd never loved him, that she'd broken Mark's heart, that she had no feelings. Let him hate her, if that meant he would live and be all right.