Living the Charade(32)

Didn't seem to... Miller couldn't fathom his indifference. She had  feelings and he was treating her as if she was here just to please him.

'I don't know how serious your offer to travel with you was, but I'm  assuming you want a relationship. I have to tell you that I would never  enter into something with a man who is so stubborn and selfish and  angry.'

'And finally she lists my faults.'

'Oh, that is so typical of you-to make fun of something so serious.'

'And it's so typical of you to make serious that which could be fun.'

Miller drew in a fortifying breath. 'I think we've said enough. We're  too different, Valentino. You want everything to be light and easy, but  sometimes feelings aren't like that.'

'I know that. It's why I refuse to have them.'

'You can't just refuse to have them. They're not controllable.' But  Miller had the uncomfortable realisation that she had once believed  exactly that.

Valentino rocked back on his heels. 'Every emotion is controllable.'

'Well, you're lucky if that's true, because I've just discovered that  mine aren't, and I can't be with someone who only connects with me  during sex because he's too afraid to share how he feels.'

'It's the damned uncertainty of it you don't like.'

Miller threw up her hands. 'And now you're going to tell me how I feel in an effort to hide your own feelings.'

'Fine-you want to know how I feel? I feel that my father made a bad  choice when he married my mother. He wasn't a man equipped for having a  family and he was never around for us. Hell, I was his favourite because  of our shared love of adrenalin highs, but even then we hardly had any  time together. And when his car hit that wall-' He stopped suddenly, his  voice thick. 'I won't do that to another person.'

The words it hurts too much hovered between them and Miller's stomach pitched.

'Valentino, I'm so sorry.' She wanted to touch him, but his stiff countenance stole her confidence.

'You're not coming with me, are you?'

Miller swallowed heavily. If he had shown any inclination that his  feelings might be even close to being as strong as hers she'd stay.  She'd...

No. She couldn't stay for anything less than love. She refused to fall  victim to the laws of relationships. She refused to be in an unequal  partnership and watch it wither and die. Because it would take her along  with it.

'I can't. I-' She hesitated, fear of being ridiculed stopping her from  exposing exactly how she felt, but knowing she loved him too much just  to walk away without trying. 'I want more than you're prepared to give.'

He raked back his hair in frustration. 'How much more?'

'I want love. I never thought I did, and I'm still afraid of it, but  you've made me see that working so hard, cutting myself off from my true  passions, from my feelings, is living half a life. I'm sure I won't be  any good at a real relationship, but I'm ready to try.'                       
       
           



       

He turned his head to the side, his expression hard. 'I can't give you that. I don't do permanence.'

Miller smiled weakly, her heart breaking. 'I know. That's why I didn't  ask it of you. But thank you for last weekend. For this week. And good  luck tomorrow.'

'Fine.' His voice was harsh, grating. He cleared his throat. 'Tell Mickey when you want to organise the jet.'

Miller felt her lower lip wobble and turned away before the tears in  her eyes spilled over. It didn't get much more definitive than that.





      CHAPTER SIXTEEN

WHEN Miller disappeared from view Tino stalked off without a clear  destination in mind, burning with anger. Didn't she know what a  concession he had made for her? What he had just offered her?

Tino stopped when he found himself outside on a tiered balcony, staring sightlessly at the glittering city lights.

Thank God she hadn't taken him up on his offer. What had he been thinking? He never took a woman on tour.

'I'm probably not the best person to follow you out here, but I know at least out of respect you won't walk off on me.'

Valentino turned to find his mother standing behind him.

'Want to talk about it?'

No, he didn't want to talk about it.

'Thanks, but I'm fine, Ma.'

'Don't ask me how this works.' His mother stepped closer. 'But a mother  always knows when one of her children is lying. Even when they're fully  grown.'

Valentino blew out a breath and tipped his head to the starry sky. He  really didn't want his mother bothering him right now, and he cursed  himself for not leaving when he'd had the chance.

'Ma-'

His mother held her hand up in an imperious way that reminded him of  Miller. 'Don't brush me off, darling. I once let your father go into a  race in turmoil, and I won't let my son do the same if I can help it.'

Valentino stared down at the tiny woman who had the strength and  fortitude of an ox, and his anger morphed into something else. Something  that felt a little like despair.

She stood beside him and the silence stretched taut until he couldn't  stand it any more. 'You found it hard to be married to Dad with his job.  I know you did.'

'Yes.'

'Why didn't you ask him to quit?' Valentino heard the pain in his voice  and did his best to mask it. 'He would have done it for you.'

She regarded him steadily. 'You're still angry with him. With me, perhaps?'

He turned back to the lights below; cars like toys were moving in a  steady stream along the throughways. Miller had said he was angry and  right now he felt angry, so what was the point in denying it?

'I never realised just how much you closed yourself off from us after  your father died.' His mother's soft voice penetrated the sluggish fog  of his mind. 'You were always so serious. So controlled. But somehow you  were still able to make us laugh.'

She offered him a sad smile that held a wealth of remembered pain.

'I can see now it was your way of dealing with your pain, and I'm sorry I wasn't there more for you right after it happened.'

Valentino raked an unsteady hand through his hair. 'He always acted so  bloody invincible and I...' He swallowed the sudden lump in his throat.  'I stupidly believed him.'

'Oh, darling. I'm so sorry. And I must have only made it worse by  relying on you so heavily after his death because I thought you  understood.'

Valentino felt something release and peel open deep inside him.  Clasping his mother's shoulders, he drew her into his arms. 'I'm not  angry at you, Ma.'

'Not any more, hmmm?'

He heard her sniff and tightened his embrace. 'I'm sorry. I've been an  ass to you and to Tom. I treated him appallingly when he dutifully drove  me to go-cart meets every month, stood in the wings of every damned  race.' He stopped, unable to express his remorse at the way he had  treated his mother's second husband.

His mother hugged him tight. 'He understood.'

'Then he's a better man than I am.'

'You were only sixteen when we married-a difficult age at the best of times.'

'I think I resented him because he was around when Dad just never had been.'

'Your father took his responsibilities seriously, Valentino. His  problem was that he'd grown up in a cold household and didn't know how  to express love. He didn't know how to show you that he loved you, but  he was torn. That morning...' She stopped, swallowed. 'We'd been talking  a lot about him retiring leading up to that awful race, and I think  that had he survived he would have quit.'                       
       
           



       

'I overheard you both talking about it that morning.'

His mother closed her eyes briefly. 'Then you must blame me for his death. For putting him off his race.'

Her voice quavered and Tino rushed to reassure her. 'No. Certainly not.  Honestly, I blamed Dad for trying to have it all. I think, if anything,  I was just upset that you hadn't tried to stop him.'

His mother pulled back and gave him a wistful smile. 'It is what it is.  We are each defined by the choices that we make for good and bad. And  it wasn't an easy decision for your father to make. He had sponsors  breathing down his neck, the team owner, his fans. He did his best, but  fate had other ideas.' She paused. 'But life goes on, and I've been  lucky enough to find love not once, but twice in my life. I hope you get  to experience the same thing at least once. I hope all of my children  do.'

Jamming his hands in his pockets, Tino wished he could jam a lid on the emotions swirling through his brain.

Damn Miller. She had been right. He had been angry with his mother all this time. 'I'm sorry. Thank you for telling me.'

He caught a movement in his peripheral vision and saw Tom, his  stepfather, about to head back inside, his expression clearly showing  that he didn't want to interrupt.

Valentino beckoned him and Tom approached, putting his arm around his  wife, love shining brightly in his eyes. 'I didn't want to interrupt.'

Tino drew in a long, unsteady breath. 'Tom...' He searched for a way to  thank this man he had previously disdained for loving his mother and  always being there for him and his siblings.