Living the Charade(18)

'Lived?'

'He died when I was twenty.'

'I'm sorry.'

'Don't be. We weren't very close and...he died happy. Which I'm glad of  now. But-' She stopped and let out a long breath. 'I don't know why I'm  telling you my life story.' She never talked about herself like this.

'Because I asked. Why weren't you close to your dad?'

Miller snagged her hair behind her ears, memories of her father-fit and  happy before the divorce-filling her mind. 'For years I was angry at  him because I blamed him for my world falling apart. He just seemed to  give up. He didn't once try to see me.' She swallowed past the lump in  her throat. 'He later told me it was too painful.' And she suspected he  hadn't been able to afford to visit her and had been too proud to lose  face. 'But life is never that simple, and even though it took me a while  I see now that it wasn't all his fault.'

She'd learned that one person always loved more in a relationship than the other; needed more than the other.

In this case it had been her father. Her mother's post-break-up  comments had led Miller to believe that her mother had married her  father mainly for a sense of security. Constantly disappointed when he  could never hold down a job for very long.

Her parents had never been the greatest role models, and Miller wasn't  sure what she thought about love other than it seemed like a lot of  trouble for very little return.

Her eyes sought out the toddlers, but they had gone. Instead, she  watched a young couple strolling hand in hand with their large dog. But  she wasn't thinking about them. She was thinking about the man beside  her. Was he living his dreams? And what did he think about love? Did he  hope to find someone special one day?

Miller felt the blood thicken in her veins at the thought. No doubt the  woman he chose would be beautiful beyond comprehension and have the  same relaxed attitude to life that he did. She could almost see them  now-lazing on a yacht in the Mediterranean, gazing adoringly at each  other, a half-naked Valentino leaning across her to seal his lips to-

Miller sucked in air and hoped her face hadn't transmitted anything of what she'd just been thinking.

'What about you?' she asked brightly, desperate to get the conversation onto any other topic but herself.                       
       
           



       





      CHAPTER NINE

MILLER smiled and gazed around TJ's large living room. It held twice as  many guests as it was intended to house, and absently she thought she  felt as if she had just stepped into the pages of The Great Gatsby.

TJ's fiftieth birthday celebrations were in full swing and seemingly a  roaring success: elegant women and debonair men were conversing and  laughing with unbridled joy as if their lives were truly as beautiful as  the party they were now attending. Some were already dancing to TJ's  eighties-inspired music, while others had taken their beverages outside  and were soaking up the balmy night, absently batting at the annoying  insects that darted around as if they were trying to zap someone.

It was a crowd Valentino fitted right in with-especially dressed as he  was now, in an ice-blue shirt that hugged his wide shoulders and  showcased his amazing eyes, and tailored pants that hung perfectly from  his lean hips.

'You look like you're at a funeral,' the man of the moment murmured wryly, his breath warm against her temple.

Miller sniffed in acknowledgement of his comment. She felt as if she  was at a funeral. Ever since they'd returned from the park she had felt  edgy and stressed at her sudden attack of blabbermouth. Trying to turn  the tables on him had been a dismal failure. As soon as she'd asked  about him he'd sprung up from the table as if an ant had crawled into  his jeans.

'I'm boring,' he'd said, which loosely translated to conversation closed.

It had almost been a race to see who made it back to the car first. But  he must have sensed her childish hurt at his rebuff because he'd  glanced at her when they were in the car.

'Everything you could possibly want to know about me is on the internet.'

She'd scoffed. 'The internet tells me superficial stuff, like how many races you've won and how many hearts you've broken.'

He'd seemed to get annoyed at that. 'As I told Caruthers, if I had  slept with as many women as the media proclaim I'd have hardly had  enough time to enter a race let alone win one. In fact, I rarely take up  with a woman during racing season, and if I do it's very short lived.'

Take up? Could he have used a more dissociative term?

'Why? Because you bore easily?'

'There is that. But, no, I usually don't allow a woman to hang around  long enough to bore me. Basically women want more attention than I'm  prepared to give them, so if I indulge it's usually only for a night or  two.'

'That's pretty shallow.'

He'd shrugged. 'Not if the woman is after the same thing.'

'And how many are?'

'Not enough, it's true. Most want more-hence my moratorium on limiting those intimacies during the season.'

'To make sure you don't have to contend with any broken hearts that might wreck your concentration?' she'd said churlishly.

He'd smiled as if he hadn't heard her censure. 'Not much can wreck my  concentration, Sunshine, but a whiny woman can certainly do damage to a  man's eardrums.'

'No more than your whiny cars,' she'd shot back pithily. But then she'd grown curious. 'Don't you ever want more?'

'Racing gives me everything I need,' he'd said.

His unwavering confidence had pushed her to probe further. 'So have you ever been in love?'

'Sure.' He'd glanced over at her and Miller remembered holding her breath. 'My first love was a bright red 1975 Maserati Bora.'

'Be serious,' she'd said, and that had made his eyes become hooded, his expression blank.

'The love you're talking about isn't on my radar, Miller.'

'Ever?'

'Let's just say I'll never marry while I'm racing, and I've yet to meet  a woman who excites me enough to make me give it up.' His flat tone had  turned grim. 'Love is painful. When you lose someone...' He'd stopped,  collected himself. 'I won't do that to another person.'

Another person or himself? Miller wondered now, sensing that part of  his emotional aloofness was just a way of protecting himself from pain.  His words hovered heavily in her mind, almost like a warning.

Determined the best thing she could do for herself was to forget the  whole afternoon, Miller sipped at TJ's finest vintage champagne and  focused on the tiny bubbles of heaven that spilled across her tongue.

'What did you say?' Valentino's low voice caused the champagne bubbles  to disperse to other parts of her body and she opened her eyes to find  him staring at her mouth.                       
       
           



       

'I didn't say anything.'

'You...' His gaze lifted to her eyes. 'You murmured something.'

Miller's mouth went dry and she was more determined than ever to crush  the physical effect he had on her. 'Just remember that tonight I need  you to be totally circumspect and professional. Discreet.'

What she was really saying was that she didn't want him to touch her, and he knew it.

'Like the other patsies you date?'

'I do not date patsies,' she said, wondering how it was that he managed to push all her buttons so easily.

'Sure you do. You date men who are learned, PC at all times, and...controllable.'

His assessment annoyed her all the more because she knew if she did  date she'd look for someone just like that-except for the controllable  bit. You didn't have to control nice men.

'While you hunt out blondes with big breasts and an IQ that wouldn't challenge a glowworm,' she replied sweetly.

He paused, and Miller was just congratulating herself on getting the  last word in when he said, 'She doesn't have to be blonde.'

His slow smile was a signal for her to back off before she got sucked under again.

'And anything more-'

'Don't say it,' she admonished peevishly. 'I'll only be disappointed.'

His soft laugh confirmed that he knew he had the upper hand, and Miller  determinedly faced the crowded room, searching for any distraction. She  heard Valentino let out a long, slow breath and wondered if he was  annoyed with her.

'How about we call a truce, Miller?'

'A truce?'

'Yeah. And I don't mean the kind of pact the settlers made with the  aborigines before marching them off the edge of a cliff. I mean a proper  one. Friends?'

Friends? He wanted to be friends and she couldn't stop thinking about sex. Great.

She took another fortifying gulp of champagne and could have been  drinking his motor oil for all the pleasure it now gave her. 'Sure.'

'Good.'

God, this was awful, and he hadn't called her Sunshine in hours. What was wrong with her?

Miller was saved from the tumultuous nature of her thoughts when TJ,  his barrel chest bedecked in a white tuxedo jacket, approached.

'Miller. You look lovely tonight.'

Miller's smile was tight. She didn't look lovely at all. She looked  boring in her long sleeved black blouse and matching suit pants. She  hadn't brought a single provocative item of clothing this weekend  because she had no wish to encourage TJ's attention. And possibly  because she didn't actually own anything remotely provocative. It had  been a long time since she had spent money on clothing for anything  other than work or exercise.