Living in Shadow(61)

“Kill people? Yes. I was lucky in that most of the villages around the city had already been emptied out, so there were no civilians left to kill. Only government soldiers.” He lifted his hand, the fabric cuff around it sliding down his forearm. “You wanted to know what this was? It’s a reminder. I threw up after my first kill, where no one could see because they would have shot me for being weak. And after that I swore I would remember every single person. Remember every single face. I didn’t want to become like Inza, like the rest of the militia, because, Christ, they weren’t even human anymore. But…I had to shoot so many.” His voice had lost the cold edge, becoming rough. “It hurt, it all hurt and I had to protect myself. So I learned not to feel. But I didn’t want to forget either, so I took the material from their clothes and tied it around my wrist so I wouldn’t. So I could keep them with me.”

The shock was settling into her bones, making her shiver and she couldn’t stop herself from looking at that cuff around his wrist. At all the fabric strands. So many strands…

“I didn’t want to be one of them, Eleanor. I didn’t want to be a monster like they were,” Luc said softly and turned, the quiet agony on his face bringing tears to her eyes. “But I am, aren’t I? I am.”

Something shattered in her heart, cutting her to pieces, and she couldn’t speak because of the pain she felt for him. For what had been done to him.

“No,” she said hoarsely, “of course you’re not—”

“Yes I am.” His voice was certain. “If I weren’t, I would never have hurt you.”

“Luc…” She took a step toward him, not knowing what else to do other than touch him.

But he held up a hand, warding her off. “No. Don’t…don’t come near me. It’s not safe. I’m not safe.”

“You can’t believe that—”

“No.” The look in his eyes stopped her in her tracks. “I can’t do this, Eleanor. I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

“What do you mean ‘this’?”

“You. Me. It can’t happen.”

She didn’t think it was possible to hurt any more than she was already, but apparently it was perfectly possible. “Honey,” she said softly, “we need to talk about this.”

“What’s there to talk about?” That cold, dead look had come back into his face. “I’m a killer, Eleanor. A killer who’s very good at pretending not to be one.”

“That’s not who you are, Luc. You were made to be one. There’s a difference!”

He said nothing for a long moment, looking at her. “We lost lots of units in a big push. Inza needed more men and he had this refugee camp a few days away under surveillance. He wanted us to go in, kill everyone in it but the boys we could take for the army. There were women there, smaller children, babies…” The look in his eyes was terrible. “I was one of his lieutenants. He wanted me to lead the mission. And I said yes.”

Horror stole her breath. “You didn’t, Luc.” He couldn’t have; she wouldn’t believe it.

“They weren’t people to me anymore. They weren’t even kids. They’d become targets. And that’s how I thought of them. Targets to hit, obstacles to get rid of. And I felt nothing at the thought of killing them.” His voice became a whisper. “I felt fucking nothing.”

“Luc—”

“I don’t even know what it was that made me think ‘I can’t do this’. Some survival instinct maybe. But after planning that mission, I knew I had to get out. I had to leave, otherwise I’d…truly become one of them. So I took some of my squad and escaped during an ambush that night. We walked for days, hiding from the militia patrols sent to look for us. Eventually we ran into some UN troops and they rescued us. Got UNICEF involved and shipped us to Ghana. I thought…I thought I’d escaped. But…” he turned away abruptly, “…I haven’t… Shit, I’m still there.”

She didn’t know what to say, not when there was so much despair in his voice. Not when words meant nothing at all. “Luc,” she whispered.

More fireworks went off, exploding against the black velvet of the sky. And she saw him flinch.

“Luc, please…”

But he didn’t say anything, only began to walk away. Not toward the festival but in the other direction. Slowly at first. Then faster.

Her heart tightened. “Lucien.”

He shifted into a jog, going faster. Away from her.

Pain bit deep in her heart, as sharp and unexpected as that knife. “Lucien!”