Rowan steps to me and pulls me into his arms. “You just agreed to marry me, woman. And we do need an apartment here. You like it here too, don’t you?” Rowan’s already rambling on to the next thing, like he’s forgotten he just told me I was going to marry him. My heart is thudding hard, the sound of my blood rushing in my ears, heat searing through me like the waves of passion he’s brought up inside of me so many times.
He covers my lips with his, his lips hot and strong and the slightest bit rougher than mine. The kiss we share is different than the embraces that have come before, because instead of questions and doubts, this kiss is filled with certainty.
I guess this will be the third impulsive thing I’ve done in as many months, and the second today.
“Let’s go now and get married, then,” I whisper when he pulls away from my lips.
“Maybe we’ll wait a little on that one. I haven’t even given you your proposal gifts yet. And I haven’t taken you into that apartment and made you scream my name so loud all your neighbors can hear us.”
A flood of heat rushes through my body, and just like the first time I saw Rowan, I feel swept away. It isn’t until later—much later—that I remember to ask about the engagement presents.
“First let me slip this ring on your finger. It’s a sapphire. I thought you’d like it better than a diamond.” He slips the platinum ring, with its princess cut sapphire flanked by two diamonds onto my ring finger, and it’s the only thing I’m wearing.
And for just then, it’s the only thing I want to wear. I’m not much of a jewelry girl, but this is the one piece I’ll enjoy for the rest of my life.
“Now let me show you the pictures of the art studio. Well, pictures don’t quite do it justice... but you’ll get the idea just the same.”
CADENCE
Epilogue
“I’m scared Rowan,” I say. I wipe my clammy hands on the paint-stained jeans I used to paint the mural over a year ago. These jeans, along with every piece of my clothing, slowly made it back to the ranch over the past fifteen months. Rowan, like a man from ages past, is watching me over the newspaper that he gets delivered each morning. He’d switched from the local news paper to The New York Times when I moved out here, even though I don’t give a damn about current events. I wipe my hands again and start pacing back and forth in the kitchen. “I’m scared,” I say again. But he just keeps watching me and rattles his paper as he turns the page again.
Eliza gets up from her bed under the table and paces behind me, like she knows what we’re waiting for.
Rowan clears his throat, and I can tell he’s thinking about what to say next. “The last transfer didn’t work, but now we’re good for another round. And we’ve got our application in at the adoption agency. We’re all clear, sweetheart. What we got is a family on the way, no matter what.”
Tears come to my eyes and I keep pacing. It seems that a sudden well of emotion has been released from deep inside of me, hitting me all at once. But I keep walking in circles, touching my fingertips against the smooth granite surface. I was right that Rowan wanted children. In all of this time, there’s been no pressure from him. But the spark of joy I saw on his face a few months back when I said I was ready to try IVF again--that expression said it all.
*Woman, I’ll love you every day of my life no matter what. But I’ll be over the damn moon if we can be parents together.
And I would be too. I can’t think of anyone kinder and more generous, a more perfect person to start a real life with. But I’m no good with these real life things, and my body has failed me again. I haven’t told him how painful it is to be so betrayed. Not for the first time, I wonder why I subjected myself to all of this again. But when I imagine that strong, honest face with its perpetual stubble and the plaid shirts that a man in New York wouldn’t be caught dead wearing, I smile and realize why. It’s the reason I came back here with this man. It’s the reason for doing every bit of this over again. He’s my reason.
“Baby, stop. Darling, I hate to see you like this.” He shakes out the paper and sets it down on the table, and I stop in front of him, staring deep into those blue eyes. “We don’t have to do this. We don’t have to set ourselves up for another round of this shit if we don’t want to. I told you, we can build up our family however we want. It doesn’t have to come from us, like this.”