Lily's Mistake(26)

I let go of her as I stare at her in disbelief. "No. No. We were  supposed to go watch movies tonight. I was waiting for him … " I trail off  as the horror of what she told me hits me as I watch her cry some more.

Drake …  in an accident …  doesn't look too good. Meaning he could die …  his chances aren't too good.

Tears gather in my eyes as I drop to the floor holding my stomach. What  do I do if he dies? What about our baby? Our baby will grow up without a  father. A life without Drake …  I won't accept it. Drake has to fight to  get better. He can't leave me here alone and pregnant.

Shaking, I speak. "Mom, do you mind taking me to him? I need to see him."

My mom nods and guides me out the door. Everything is a blur until we  get outside the hospital. Then, it becomes all too clear to me. Drake is  inside, possibly dying. I'm a wreck when Mom and I reach Patricia and  Hugh in the waiting room right outside the OR. Both of them come to me  and hug me tightly. Patricia is sobbing uncontrollably. Hugh is tearing  up.

"He's in the operating room right now. He hit his head pretty badly  during impact. There was some bleeding on his brain and a broken knee.  The doctor said he'll let us know if there is any update," Hugh says  through tears.

Mom helps me to the nearest chair and all four of us sit there vigilantly while we listen to Patricia cry.

"Please don't take my baby from me," Patricia keeps muttering and praying.

I get up then and decide to seek out the hospital Chapel. When Mom offers to come, I decline. I want to be alone.

As I sit on one of the wooden benches, I feel the eerie peace greet me.  The Crucifix situated before has two tiny lights focused on it. As I  look at it, I feel sadness wash over me.

I remember the last time I prayed desperately. That was when Dad was in  the operating room. Dad had stage-four liver cancer. At that point, the  doctor was telling us that he might not survive it and that we should  prepare ourselves for the operation possibly not being successful.  However, I was hopeful. My father was a robust man and a stubborn one.  He skipped his doctor's appointment and purposely missed his  colonoscopy. Since he was a busy man, he thought that his daily intake  of vitamins was his magic pill and nothing could ever touch him. Let  alone a cancer. He was wrong, though. The cancer got to him all because  he wanted to be oblivious to what was going on with his body.

If he had just addressed what he was feeling, then instead of shrugging  and brushing it off, he might have had a chance to survive. I suppose,  in some ways, we are our own worst enemy.

If I pray, will God grant me my prayer?

On my knees on the cushioned pedestal, I place my arms on the back of  the wooded panel before me and clasp my hands. Closing my eyes, I pray.

"If you can grant me a wish, will you hear me this time? All my life, I  pray only when it's needed, but that doesn't mean I don't believe in  you. Since Dad died, I've been bitter and I don't want to be that person  anymore. This baby is a miracle. I feel alive again, but it seems that  it will come with a high price in exchange for Drake's life. I beg you  don't make me have this baby alone. My baby needs its father. Give Drake  and me a chance to be parents together. Give me a chance to tell him  that I love him. I have never stopped and I don't think I ever will.  Drake took my heart and left with it. He never gave it back. Give me an  even shot at happiness because without him, I don't know what I'll do.  Help me. Please, help me. I need you to help me …  Hear me, at least."         

     



 

Wiping my tears away, I sit back down again and hold my belly. "Your  daddy's fighting for his life right now. Let's be strong for him," I  murmur to my belly.

I don't know how long I sit there, staring blindly. I don't even hear Mom come in.

"Lil, maybe it's time to go home? You need to rest for the baby. You've been in here for two hours."

Two hours? I've been staring for two hours?

I nod to my mom. "Let me just say goodbye to Patricia and Hugh. Maybe they have news about Drake."

Mom holds me with one arm as we walk the white halls of the hospital.  The intercoms are paging doctors, the beeping sounds of machines  surround us, the hushed whispers and the crying relatives are the  ambient background noise to the symphony about sickness and death.

My feet feel heavy, but I make it to the elevator. When we get out, I  notice a doctor speaking to a family in a hushed solemn manner. I halt  when I hear the woman scream.

"Noooooooooo! No! No! There's got to be a way. You have to save my son! He's only seventeen."

I stand frozen as her screams and pleas are all being hushed down by her  surrounding family. The daunting voices inside my head start again.

God, that voicemail I left him …  I feel sick just thinking about it.  Tears fall freely on my face. Drake …  I'm so sorry. I feel like I've let  him down because of my own selfishness and holding on to the past, I  have let us down and our baby.

What if it's too late now? What if he doesn't survive and dies on that  operating table? My breathing becomes ragged as my thoughts move to  picturing him on that table being cut open. His body pale and lifeless  and there is nothing I can do to help him live.

Sobs rock through me as I sense my entire body start to feel weird and  heavy. The last thing I remember is the airy light feel of my body  falling before I black out.





23



I groan and feel my mom soothing me. It takes a good minute to remember all the events that have happened. Drake.

"How's Drake? Where is he?"

"He's in the ICU, Dear. He's still not in the clear and they still  consider him in critical condition. The doctor said to wait a few days  for everything to heal and see if the surgery worked."

When I try to move my hand and my heavy lids finally open, I realize  that I'm in a hospital bed with a hospital gown on. "Mom?" I look at her  questioningly. "What happened?"

"You passed out. Thank God I caught you before you hit your head on the  floor. The doctor said that this sometimes happens when pregnant women  are stressed out. You should stay put until the doctor says it's okay  for you to be discharged." Mom looks at me worriedly, misty-eyed.

"Sorry, Mom. I didn't mean to scare you." The last thing my mom needs  right now is to worry about my pregnant state as well. All of us are  going through so much; I can't afford to have the rest of them worry  about me when Drake's life is still on the line.

Even though it kills me to resign and rest, instead of going upstairs to  be with Drake, I force myself to stay put. For Drake and the baby; I  can do it for them.





The next day, when the doctor, whose name I don't care to remember, clears me to go home, I immediately go to see Drake in ICU.

Drake being placed in the ICU speaks volumes about how serious his  condition is, but I have to be strong. I need to see him. I have to or I  will go crazy.

When we get to the private lounge, Hugh and Patricia look worse for  wear. It takes me about ten minutes to convince all of them to go home  and get some rest. I want to be alone when I see him. I want to spend  time with him.

I still myself before I enter his room. I'm not prepared to see the state that he is in.

Drake has tubes around his mouth, his head is wrapped with a bandage and  his complexion is pale and ashen. I sag against the closed door frame  as I watch the up and down bleeping of the monitor and his breathing  ventilator as that too, eerily moves up and down. My tears instantly  pool in my eyes as I slowly walk towards his bed.

"Drake," I whisper chokingly as I reach for his lifeless hand. I stroke  it lightly, hating the cold feel of it. "It's Lily. If you can hear me, I  beg you, don't leave me like this." I wipe the tears that fall down my  face. I want to say more, but I start to bawl hard.

I think I hate myself more for being so selfish with him the last couple  of weeks. All that wasted time, for what? Because I was hurt before?  Now that there's a big possibility of him dying, I don't think I can  forgive myself for wasting the precious time that I could've spent in  his arms because I was being selfish.         

     



 

I clutch his hand, hard. My heart lurches when I hear an alarming sound.

The sound of death.

It's the flat line sound of the heart monitor. It takes me a good second to realize what's going on.

With hot tears in my eyes, I stare at his hand, and then back to the  monitor. Then, I scream for help. I know the nurses were alerted the  second his monitor went flat, but I'm not prepared for the commotion  that rattles into the room. Six nurses and a male doctor come in with a  rush. The doctor is barking frantic orders as the Defibrillator is being  prepped for use. They open his gown at his chest and place a good  amount of gel before the doctor uses the paddles to attempt to  resuscitate Drake back to life.

I'm against the cold hospital wall as I watched it all in horror. I think half of me dies when the doctor yells, "Clear."