I lifted my head, trying to find strength in a spot on the yellowed ceiling. Our conversation had just begun and already, I was the first one to use the two words I swore I wouldn’t say. Forcing a vein of strength, I looked into his eyes and began to speak.
“Brian, the truth is—I was awake when you got home. I was awake and I pretended to be asleep because it was late and I just wasn’t in the mood to deal with you.” Under my breath, I added, “Not that I’m in the mood now.”
His voice took the stern and reprimanding tone that always made me feel like a small, guilty child. “Can you be more specific? Exactly what do you mean, not in the mood to deal with me?”
I began to dress. Although I had dressed in front of Brian hundreds of times before, somehow, it now made me feel cheap and embarrassed, but I refused to let him see that.
“How specific do you need for me to be Brian? I mean, when you drop your belt buckle from four feet above the floor and hum loud enough to wake the neighbors and I don’t get up, doesn’t it tell you anything? Or how about when we have sex and you’re the only one smiling when it’s over? Again, doesn’t it give you a clue?” I briskly headed out of the room with Brian following closely behind. “You only see what you want to see. I’ve been very specific; you just haven’t been paying attention.”
I rounded the kitchen table and sat to put my shoes on. The heat in the house was rising with every word and I felt as though I couldn’t get out of it fast enough.
“Oh, this is just great, Meg. One week before the wedding and now everything is all wrong. Could you have pulled the spoiled brat routine a little sooner?”
“Spoiled brat? Am I a spoiled brat when you surprise me with six dinner guests, telling them, ‘Don’t worry, Meg will just whip something up’ even though I had other plans for dinner?” I shot him a look of disbelief. “And I suppose I’m the spoiled brat when I’m expected to spin circles in order to accommodate your plans, even though my plans were made first.”
“Could it be that maybe, just maybe, my plans are more important?”
“Aren’t they always.”
I rested my head in my hands and took a deep breath. I was angry with myself for starting in a manner that would ensure an argument. I sat back in my chair and stared at him for several seconds before I began to speak, this time calmly.
“Listen, Brian. It’s not as if this just came up. I’ve been feeling this way for quite awhile, I just didn’t know how to tell you.” I pushed my hair off my face and looked him in the eyes. “You’re right; I should have let you know how I felt much sooner, but... I just couldn’t find the words.”
He stared at me in disbelief.
I had wounded his pride and like most men I had known, I might as well have plunged a dagger into his heart. There was no way I could mend his pride but I could attempt to inflate his ego, that being as close as I would get to redemption.
“Brian, things just aren’t working anymore. You’ve been great... it was my fault. I guess I just wasn’t ready for you.”
I could see everything he wanted to say flickering in his eyes. Confusion masked by hurt and disbelief created a softness I’d never seen in Brian’s eyes before.
He pulled out a chair and sat facing me. Taking hold of one of my hands, he rubbed a finger lightly over it. Several minutes passed before he began to speak.
“Meg, I have to know...” He hesitated. “Is there someone else?”
I shook my head gently. “Having someone else to blame would make it easier, but no, this is only between us.”
After a look of relief and several more minutes, he asked, “Then... is there any way we can fix this before the wedding?”
I choked out the words, “You’re not hearing me, Brian. There isn’t going to be a wedding.”
For the first time, I saw his eyes glisten as he spoke. “You can’t be serious, Meg. I mean, hell, we’ve been together for so long, gone through so much... for God’s sake Meg, we’ve got over two hundred people expecting us to get married next week...” He rubbed a palm briskly over his thigh. “...Maybe it’s just jitters, you know, cold feet as you face the big day... it happens...”
I shook my head. His words held hope but his eyes shown with the truth he wasn’t ready to accept.
I stood and walked over to the counter where my purse sat. Pulling out two pens and the page Charlotte had given to me, I returned to my chair.
“Brian, I know this will seem silly to you, but please, humor me. I want you to answer this question and the only thing you have to remember is that your answer has to be completely honest.”