We walked down the front steps and made a left on the sidewalk. His steps were brisk as he stared straight ahead.
As we rounded the corner at the end of the block, I said, “Brian, where are you taking…” Following the invisible line between his finger and the object it pointed to, I could hardly speak.
“That… that’s my present?”
His gaze fixed on the object sitting in front of us, he said, “She’s a beauty, isn’t she?”
I stood paralyzed. I was emotionless and momentarily speechless. When words finally came, I knew they weren’t the ones he wanted to hear.
“Brian, that must have cost you a fortune… you really shouldn’t have.”
Directing his attention toward me for the first time since turning the corner, he tightened the grip on my hand and looked genuinely confused when he said, “How about, ‘It’s beautiful’, or ‘Thank you’, or ‘I really like it’… Meg, forgive me for assuming, but I thought you’d be just a little happy when you saw it? What’s up?”
His words reprimanded the spoiled brat that lived inside of me. I hung my head, ashamed of my own selfish behavior. I thanked him for an expensive and thoughtful gift with indifference and a lack of enthusiasm. His gift only helped to confuse me further in my quandary over our relationship and I found myself upset with him for his lousy sense of timing.
Rubbing his arm with my free hand, I tried to sound sincere as I spoke, “I’m sorry, Brian. You just caught me off guard… I wasn’t expecting anything like this.” Looking toward the car, I added, “It is beautiful… thank you.”
His eyes were questioning mine, undecided whether I was telling the truth or if there was more to my lack of enthusiasm.
Trying to add a little bounce to the steps I took in the direction of the car, I eagerly asked, “Can I take it for a drive?” in an attempt to put his doubts to rest.
Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out two keys hanging from a shiny ring. Dangling them between his fingers, he winked and said, “Drive on!”
I drove from Upper Darby, through union ville and Ransom, on to Vandling and back, all the while listening to Brian lecture me on the specifics of my new Mustang. Although I found his incessant rambling boring rather than informative, I found the hour and a half ride exhilarating. After years of walking and commuting by taxi, sixty miles an hour behind the wheel of my own car was an adrenaline-pumping thrill.
As I pulled along the sidewalk in front of the house, I felt the rush of the drive draining from my body. Confusion began to fill every recess of my mind. Each time I thought I was sure how I felt, something would happen to make me second-guess my decision and today was no exception. It was almost as if Brian had access to my innermost thoughts, using them to manipulate my emotions. Although he was very clever and could be sneaky when need be, I had to believe that the timing of his generosity was nothing more than coincidence. If not, that would mean he was mollifying me with no regard for my feelings as long as it brought him the result he wanted. I found it impossible to believe that I could have been that wrong about him for so many years. Could I have?
Throughout the rest of the evening, I fought to put myself in new-relationship mode. When it came time for bed, I tried to experience his lovemaking as if it were the first time, a time when I found it easy and exciting to be swept away by emotions and lost in a moment.
As he reached a rapid climax, I felt myself go limp. I wasn’t limp with ecstatic exhaustion, but limp with sad acceptance. My head could not talk my heart into feeling or believing something that wasn’t real just because it was easier.
Our relationship had ended long before either of us had realized it. Gone was the upcoming promise to love, honor and obey. Until-death-do-us-part meant a future filled with dread and regrets. All that remained between us was the admittance of failure and the formality of a spoken goodbye.
Brian rolled over at once, foregoing his usual after-sex commentary. There was an ominous tension in the room with us. Not only could I feel the pressure of it, but I knew that Brian could feel it too.
Nine
...I was able to keep the tears that dampened my lashes from spilling over, but the crack in my voice was more than I could help...
I turned in every direction, in search of buildings, people or any sign as to where I was. There was nothing for the heavy wind to blow through, yet somehow, it made a howling sound that raised goose bumps across my skin. Clouds raced across the sky, leaving long, dark streaks behind them.
Was I imagining the vibration in the ground beneath my feet? No, I wasn’t. In the far distance, something approached me, kicking up a cloud of dust that kept its identity hidden from my view. As it drew closer, I could hear the whine of an engine floored wide open. My apprehension became unnerving.