Nelda closed the gap between her and Marco, linking an arm through his. After giving him an affectionate smile, which he lovingly returned, she said, “You go. We are fine now.”
Unlike Brian and me, Nelda and Marco looked so happy, even on the heels of a fight. The look of love I saw pass between them was something I hadn’t seen pass between Brian and I for a very long time. There were so many affirmations surfacing where Brian and I were concerned, but for the moment, I didn’t have the desire or mindset to acknowledge them.
With goodbyes said and thoughts of Brian, repairmen and the loan behind me, I stepped into the cab, saying, “Cherry Hall in Brickway” and focused on my aunt and my newly discovered past.
Five
...I have a mother, but can’t make her understand she has a daughter. It feels painfully similar to not having her at all...
Friday’s weren’t the regular visiting days at Cherry Hall and I didn’t usually ask for special privileges, but after the visit to my grandmother last night, today’s visit seemed extremely urgent.
The visit wasn’t important because I thought my aunt would confirm or deny anything my grandmother had told me the night before. I would be equally happy if she offered no more than a smile, as she had last Saturday. If I were lucky, maybe she would acknowledge my presence or my conversation. It was more than a dream to think she would respond, but I would be lying to say it hadn’t crossed my mind.
I never usually said much during a visit with my aunt, letting Gram do most of the talking, but today I thought I would try to keep an upbeat conversation going in the hopes of putting Aunt Karen at ease with my unexpected visit.
As I entered the room, I noted the smell of clean linens; I saw fresh flowers on the night table and I heard a soothing stream of Mozart throughout the room. I thought how pleased Gram would be.
I spoke softly to keep from startling her.
“Aunt Karen... hi. I hope you’re up for company.”
She slowly turned her head to face me and I checked carefully for signs of annoyance or displeasure. I saw neither so I took a seat on the uncomfortable, cast iron radiator Gram usually occupied and faced her.
“I know you weren’t expecting me today but… you don’t mind do you?”
It was silly of me to expect an answer, but I was inexperienced when it came to talking to someone who wouldn’t respond. I didn’t want to sound like I was pacifying her, but I didn’t want to seem ignorant to her special condition. It seemed like such a tough call and it was only now that I fully understood the emotional drain each visit had on my grandmother.
Her attention had gone back to something on the other side of the glass. I turned myself to face the window and stared with her, using the time to form my thoughts into words—words she probably wouldn’t understand.
After a few minutes, I faced her again and began to speak, slowly and thoughtfully.
“Aunt Karen, this is hard for me. I don’t know if you’ll understand what I say, but I have to say it.”
She continued to stare out the window without acknowledging my words and I decided to continue.
“I went to visit Gram last night, I’m sure she’ll tell you about it when she comes tomorrow. I didn’t get to spend any time with Gramp while I was there. I wish I had though. Gram says he spends all of his time outside with his animals… has Gram told you about them?” Feeling silly for asking another question, I continued, “Yeah well, he has quite a few animals now.”
She was still staring out the window with no readable expression on her face. I never realized how hard it was to keep a one-way conversation interesting. I found myself admiring my grandmother for something she had done each week for as long as I could remember, always making it look so easy.
Reluctantly, I continued, “Anyway, Gram and I talked about when you were little. She told me how much you loved people and how much she loved you…”
I couldn’t have known how difficult this would be before I arrived. Telling me about Aunt Karen had left Gram in tears, while it left me speechless. Only now did I consider the effect it might have on my aunt after all this time.
I sniffled once, and continued, “You know, I had wanted to talk to you about something when I got here, but now that I’m here, I think… well, how about we just relax and look out the window together, okay?”
Relieved to have a moment to compose myself, I turned and closed my eyes in an attempt to hold back the tears I felt welling up inside. Gram told me to do what I felt was necessary, but now that I was here, my visit seemed much more selfish than it did necessary.
We had been relaxing in the peace and quiet of a serene view, when all of a sudden and quite unexpectedly, I felt a touch on the back of my hand. My breath caught in my throat briefly, and I slowly opened my eyes to find Aunt Karen’s hand resting on top of my own. Her touch was cool, but soft. From the lack of making use of herself physically, her skin felt like that of a baby.