She stares at me, but slowly nods.
“Okay,” she says, her voice tired and worn. Just like mine. “Okay, Nate.”
CHAPTER 16
AVERY
One month later.
“No, Avery,” Jacob snaps, slamming his fist on the counter. “You’re not going, I’ve said no and that’s the end of it.”
I cross my arms, my heart aching for more than one reason. The first is because in the last month I’ve created a level of dislike for Jacob I’ve never had before. Suddenly everything he does isn’t right—he’s not right. He’s not Nate. I hate myself for that. The second is because I miss Nate. I miss him so much it hurts. It’s been a month, and I know he went interstate to race a couple of races. It’s not the same without him here.
I’m lost.
“You can’t tell me what to do,” I say to Jacob, my voice icy, my heart turning colder and colder towards him as the weeks go on.
“I can tell you what to do because without me and your father, you’ll never be able to afford it.”
I’ve asked him if I can go with Kelly to his next competition in Queensland, Australia. He’s not willing to let me go, especially not with Kelly. I told him I was going anyway, but he’s refusing me, and without his money or my fathers, there’s no way I can afford it. It hurts. We’re in a relationship and yet there’s no say-so for me. He makes all the choices and if he says no, then that’s it.
“Why is it such a big problem?”
He gives me an expression that allows no argument. “Because I don’t like Kelly and I don’t trust him. How would you feel if I went away with a woman?”
I sigh, because he’s probably right. Maybe I’m just trying to find a way to escape.
“Fine, Jacob, if you’re not happy with it then I won’t go.”
He nods, straightening his shoulders. “I’m not happy with it, so you’ll stay here. Now, I’m going to work. I’ll come by later and take you out for dinner.”
I nod and watch as he turns and leaves me. Why does my heart feel like it’s only being ripped apart more and more as each hour goes on?
~*~*~*~
He didn’t come and take me out to dinner. No, I got a text message saying he was working late and would come over later.
Come over so he can have sex with me and leave—his nightly sedation.
So, I decided to do the only thing that made sense. I found a bottle of vodka, threw myself on the outdoor lounge and got drunk. I don’t drink a lot; I don’t have the chance to. Dancing takes up so much of my time, and my diet is quite strict. I’ve got no way near the diet of the other dancers, the ones who dance professionally, but I certainly can’t allow myself to gain weight if I want to teach properly.
So alcohol is rare—therefore it went straight to my head.
Now I’m staring at my phone, frantically telling myself that it’s not okay to text Nate. It’s not okay to want to know how he feels. It’s not okay to even think about him. He’s away—he went away because of me. He doesn’t need me making it worse, but I just need to know. I have to know, I just need him to understand that one day I hope we can be friends again.
But that’s not what I end up typing. I try six different times with six different messages, and I delete and scream more than I actually manage to get anything out. What I finally send I instantly regret it. I sound like a silly little teenager who can’t take a hint. I shouldn’t have sent anything, nothing at all, but my fuzzy, scrambled brain doesn’t want a bar of logic.
Avery: I know . . . I know I shouldn’t care, but . . . I . . . I can’t stop thinking about what happened and . . . well . . . shit . . . I just want you to know—I miss you, Nate. I just miss you.
I throw my phone across the back deck and put my head in my hands. What if his wife was there? What if she reads that? When did I stoop so low? When did I become the woman I knew I would despise? When did I stop fighting for right and edging towards wrong? I’m failing my friends, my family and myself, but I can’t seem to stop myself wanting what I can’t have.
I’m an awful person.
I lift the bottle of vodka to my lips, too tired to try and keep drinking it from a glass. The liquid burns my throat as it slides down, and I feel it tingle the entire way to my belly. My heart aches and tears fill my eyes. I get to my feet and wobble inside, dropping down onto the couch and curling to my side. I close my eyes and try to take myself away, try to forget the thing that is refusing to leave my heart.
I must drift off, because I find myself jerking upright, eyes flinging open, when I hear a knock at the door. It takes me more than a minute to get my eyes focused, and when I do the knocking has become louder. I rub my face a few times and get to my feet. I have no idea who it could be. Jacob has a key and it must be midnight, if not later, so I can’t imagine it would be Kelly, or even Liam.