They’d picked up their parents early and had strolled through the city without any agenda. Although Lu was present, Lu’s reticence toward him was apparent—if not to everyone, then to Willa, Pete, and Lex. Her attentiveness to all the proceedings waned often, and she seemed to drop behind to take in something that everyone else had blown by. By three o’clock, they finished up with their touring and headed back to get ready for dinner. Lex had rented out a room at a seafood restaurant for their Christmas Eve dinner. It wasn’t the traditional party, but the fare would be similar. Everyone had been on their best behavior, so he had high hopes that dinner would be a pleasant experience. He’d taken Nina shopping before everyone arrived and she’d picked out a very traditional Christmas dress that she’d kept hidden from Lu so she could surprise her.
Lex showered and got dressed. As he put on his suit jacket, images of him and Lu together in the Sunday-school room flashed through his mind. It was the last time he’d worn this suit and he hoped Lu didn’t recognize it—a reminder of his darkest hour. He pushed his hands in the pocket and drew out an envelope. He saw his father’s bold script. Feeling like the air had been sucked out of the room, Lex sank to his bed. In all of the chaos of that day, he’d completely forgotten about the letter. It took him ten minutes of internal debate to decide if he wanted to read it now or wait until after dinner. But having forgotten about it for so long, he pulled open the envelope and pulled it out.
Dear Lex,
Unfortunately when you read this letter, I will no longer be with you. It seems odd to write those words even though I’ve had a lot of time to get used to the idea. I’ve also included a letter for Pete in here figuring Caroline would safeguard both until it was time to hand them to you. Even though I know you will, allow Pete to decide if he’d like to share it with you. With the years and bond between you two, I imagine he’ll do it on his own accord.
Being a parent to the two of you has been the greatest experience of my life. Had someone told me how hard it would be when I was younger, I was arrogant enough that I wouldn’t have believed them but you will know soon what I mean. You hope every day that you are doing the right thing for your children and teaching them the right lessons. The men that you and Pete have become provide me with peace and pride as I know that your mother and I were able to get something right. Although I have to say that we were merely stewards as you were each your own people from birth.
We did make a mistake though—probably the biggest mistake of my life and every day I pay the price of that mistake. I’m not sure of the timeline of events but I hope that you have already met Nina when you read this. She is amazing and has given me untold joy over the last eight years. Two years ago, I told her about you. I feel bad for betraying Lu but I wanted you to have a chance with Nina—a chance that we denied you.
What I want you to know is that none of us gave Lu and you enough credit. She’s never been able to get over you and I don’t think you’ve ever really gotten over her. You’ve never let anyone else into your heart even though you have this amazing capacity to love. I know your first inclination will be to blame her, but we completely overruled, overpowered her. She had no chance. So as you two attempt to move forward, work to forgive her and help her to forgive you. In her mind, she’s exonerated you of any wrongdoing, but I’m not sure her heart has had the time to understand that you left. Try to find your way back to her. And if it’s not Lu who you want to be with, let someone in.
I wish I was going to get the opportunity to see you and Nina together. I know you will have to work at this parenting thing, as we ALL have to, but you will find that she is this amazing combination of all that is good in you and Lu with all of her own stamps of independence and personality. Enjoy her as I have enjoyed you and Pete. One more thing, try to forgive your mother too. She did everything she thought was right for you at the time. Her strength has fortified our family since its inception.
I am so proud, happy, overwhelmed that I was given the gift of being your father.
Dad
Lex sat for a long time, rereading the letter. Drops smearing the ink on the paper made him realize he had cried, finally feeling the grief of his father’s death. He wondered if he’d read this letter back in May if things with himself and Lu would have played out differently. Funny that he was just starting to reach the same conclusions his father had reached some time ago. He’d met the love of his life at age eight. Who does that, he thought. He debated about giving Pete his letter before dinner since he’d withheld it for so long, it was time. He went to Pete’s room, and knocked softly.