Lex didn’t say anything at first. He scrubbed his hands over his face again. He sat for such a long time without responding that Pete thought he wouldn’t.
Finally, he said, “I’m not really sure.” No longer able to sit, he got up. This was familiar to Pete, more like the Lex he knew, with the frenetic energy and the need to move constantly.
“Everything feels off. There have been so many changes that I don’t know what to blame it on. Is it Dad dying? Is it suddenly having a child? I can’t pinpoint it. But it’s starting to affect my play. For the first time in my life, soccer is not helping me find my balance.”
Pete wanted to respond, but he didn’t know what to say.
“I thought having Nina close by would be a good thing, but I can’t seem to find my footing with her. She hasn’t done anything to warrant it yet, but what happens when she does something and I need to discipline her? I don’t feel like I have the right. It’s totally frustrating. Or what if something happens at school? I have no idea if Lu would include me in the discussion. Sometimes I wonder if it’s just too late.”
“You really think that? That it’s too late to be a father to her?”
“Yeah, most of the time I do.” He looked at Pete then and said, “And you know what happens when I think about that? I get mad at Lu all over again.” Frustrated, he walked to the window, leaning his hands on the ledge. “So how’s that for some shit?”
“That’s some shit,” Pete agreed, having no idea how to help his brother work through all this. But he had a small opening and so he tried to push the advantage. “Maybe if you and Lu could talk. Maybe then you could work through this together.”
Lex turned slowly to face his brother, incredulity written all over his face. “Are you fucking serious?”
“Look, I have no idea how to even think about what you must be going through, but I think Lu could help. I know you are angry at her, but if you were able to forgive her, maybe it would be easier to see yourself as Nina’s father.” Pete knew he was treading on sacred ground, but he also knew that Lex needed help. It was the only way he could think of to help him get his equilibrium back. But as he watched Lex take it in, he knew he’d made a mistake. Lex moved like lightning and got right in Pete’s face.
“I can’t fucking believe you can stand in my house and take her side. What the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you defending her after what she did?”
Pete, suddenly fearful of the damage he might be doing to his relationship with Lex, wanted to change direction, but it was too late. So he plunged forward.
“I’m not defending her. I just think that if you are ever going to be a father to Nina, you are going to have to learn to parent with Lu.”
“You don’t know shit about being a parent, so you should stop while you’re ahead.”
“You don’t know either,” Pete said before he could stop himself. Before he could react, Lex slammed him up against the wall.
“Don’t fucking mention her name to me. Don’t try to fix this with your thoughtful logic. I’m well past logic on this.” Rage was making Lex shake, and Pete could feel the anger vibrating through him. He’d never been afraid of his brother, but now, he was afraid of the person in front of him. “If you want to have a relationship with me, you are going to have to make a choice. Do you understand me?”
“There’s no choice to be made, Lex. You’re my brother.”
Lex released him, turned away, and left Pete standing there.
Pissed at his brother and himself, Lex needed to get out of his apartment. He slid his feet into his running shoes and slammed his way out the door. The leftover adrenaline from the fight with Pete had his hands shaking. He’d never raised his hand to his brother. Even as kids, he couldn’t ever remember fighting with him. Their differences had made them the best of friends.
He started running at a grueling pace, hoping to chase away all of demons that had been haunting him over the last couple of months, that had disguised themselves in questions of what ifs and hopes of if only. This anger that beat at him constantly was such an odd emotion for him that it constantly threw him off kilter. His mother had once asked him why he didn’t get mad at another player on the field who had targeted him. He’d said to his mother, “It’s a wasted emotion. Why be angry when I can just beat him down the field next time? Being mad throws me off my game.”
So this torrential anger that dug its claws into him, that pulled him around like the dizzy bat game and left him unfocused and unsure, felt wrong. But no matter what he did to try to combat it, something would kick up the dirt again. In the end it all came down to Lu. It was the conclusion he drew every morning when he woke up and every night before he went to bed. If he could let it go, or figure out a way to not be mad at her, he felt he could somehow get his control back.