“I think it will make this easier for you if you sit down. But I also know your penchant for movement, so perhaps you should do whatever it is that feels right.” She paused. Her nerves were reflected in her voice as her speech began the climb to formal. Lu always reached for the big words when she was nervous.
He continued to lean on the wall, one foot bent and braced so that his leg was at an angle. Looking at him, she was reminded that he took her breath away. Determined to move forward she started. “On July 4—yes, Independence Day, which I always find ironic because I seemed to have lost my independence on that day—your daughter, Nina Pellitteri Knight, was born at 8:00 p.m. after about an hour of labor. Apparently, I was made to make babies. Which again I find ironic because my mama wanted so much more for Willa and me than teenage pregnancy. But ya know, of course, shit happens.” She knew she was rambling, but all of the speeches she’d rehearsed were somehow getting strung together, so her flippant side was intermingling with her superintelligent side. It made her head hurt to try to control the jumble, so she let it flow from her mouth. When Lex didn’t protest or tell her to fuck off, she knew that he’d already been told about Nina. She knew Caroline had told him and she was pretty sure it wasn’t presented in a delicate manner, so she knew she should continue her story.
But nothing came out of her mouth; she didn’t know how to continue. Neither spoke. They simply stared at each other, Lu not knowing what to say and Lex refusing to make it any easier.
Finally, Lu found her footing again and remembered that she was trying to save Lex’s family for him. She continued, or maybe she started over. She was not really sure. “We knew that if you knew I was having the baby, you would come home from Europe. Nobody wanted to stifle your chance. So it was decided that we’d tell you I had an abortion. If we’d said I lost the baby, you would have come home. But an abortion, that ensured that you wouldn’t need to come home.”
At this point, Lu couldn’t sit anymore and she couldn’t look at Lex anymore. She was at a crossroads, one she knew she would eventually reach. Here, she could condemn herself or she could condemn their parents. Knowing that placing the blame where it truly belonged would essentially orphan Lex, she looked up to the heavens, hoping Mr. P. was smiling down on her.
“When you didn’t try to reach me or check on me, I was hurt and angry. So I issued an ultimatum to everyone. The only way I would allow them in Nina’s life was if they promised not to tell you. I was young and stupid and I felt a little powerless at the time. And later, I was afraid to retract it because I wasn’t sure how to tell you.”
She tried to meet Lex’s eyes then, but he was staring off into some distant spot. His body remained against the wall, completely rigid. Finally, after what seemed an eternity but in reality was probably not very long, Lex pushed away from the wall. He walked directly to her.
“When can I see my daughter?” he asked.
Lu swallowed audibly. “She’s at your mom’s house now.”
Nodding his head, Lex reached out and traced a finger down her cheek. His touch was achingly gentle and Lu couldn’t help but lean in to it. Lex leaned too and they were almost embracing except that the only part of their bodies that were touching were his finger and her cheek. He moved slightly so that his mouth was close to her ear. “I’m sorry about earlier,” he whispered, then drew back so he could see her. He looked directly into her eyes. “But I figure, one good fuck deserves another, ya know?” he remarked, eyebrow raised, Lex Pellitteri in full force. But it wasn’t a Lex that Lu recognized.
She stepped back, feeling very cold, scared of this man in front of her.
“So we’re clear on where we stand: This is the last conversation you and I will ever have. From here—until the end of time—anything you have to say to me goes through my attorney.” He raked her from head to toe with a murderous look. “I will never forgive you for what you’ve done,” he said in a voice that was scarily calm. He turned away from her and left the room.
Shaking from head to toe, Lu lowered herself into a chair. She was damp and sticky, and her nostrils were filled with the smell of him. She knew she needed to move, to get to Nina, but she couldn’t stand on her shaky legs. Looking around the room in a daze, she saw all the leftover Easter pictures of Jesus rising from the dead. And just like that her body shuddered with sobs. Surrounded by pictures of resurrection, Lu knew that her life wouldn’t get a second chance.
17
It was Willa who finally came to get her. Like Lex earlier, she was not sure how long she sat in the Sunday-school room, back in the little chair. But when Willa walked in, Lu looked at her through a haze of unhappiness.