“Yeah, I’ve spent a lot of time over the last couple of days thinking about that time in our lives. Even more than I’ve thought about Mike. Maybe it’s avoidance.”
“Or maybe it’s the sense of resolution.”
“You think this will be resolved?”
“I think you started that ball in motion with your conversation with Lu yesterday.”
Jo could tell Amber was angry. “Are you going to go all Mama Bear on me?” she asked, sarcastic.
“No. The time for Mama Bear was eight years ago. I let you and actually participated in bullying my daughter. I won’t do that again.” Amber felt anger coursing through her, her shaking hands a reflection of its path.
“Hmph,” Jo grunted. “Guess my thirty-six hours of sympathy have expired.”
“Don’t pull that on me,” Amber hissed. “You deserve all the sympathy I have and you’ve got it. Being angry at you for attempting to browbeat Lu into doing what you want when you want is a separate issue. Why on earth did you order her to go get Nina?”
Jo cut her eyes at Amber. “Lu told you?” she asked, surprised.
“No, of course not. She would never talk to me about what to do about Nina, not after I didn’t help her. Willa told me.”
Jo got up from her chair, feeling the compulsion to move, something that she was sure Lex had inherited from her, not Mike. She wanted, needed, to explain to Amber.
“I was wrong,” she said, still pacing. “I was wrong eight years ago, and I was wrong yesterday. I really don’t expect to be forgiven for what happened before, but I hope you can forgive me for yesterday. I didn’t intend to say that. I wanted to ask her to not say a word, to be there for me, Pete, even Lex if we needed her. But to wait for Lex to get over the loss of his father first before she told him. I know, knew that this was all going to come to a head, even before Mike died. The guilt he felt was enough for me to be thinking of a plan to bring Nina to Lex when Lu was ready.” She paused and laughed, a brittle sound. “That’s bullshit—when I was ready.” She stopped again, making her way back to the lounge chair and sitting down heavily. “But when I opened my mouth, instead I demand that she go get Nina. Maybe I would have realized what I had done and perhaps even apologized, but she got up, regally, and left.”
Amber, stuck between loyalty to her daughter and sympathy for her best friend, didn’t know what to say. She longed for her husband to be by her side. She knew they could shoulder the grief for each other and that he could help her navigate this treacherous path. When he got back they would figure it out.
“Part of me,” Jo continued, “part of me needs to have Nina here. Mike loved her so much. She was the light of his life. Sometimes I think that if I could get past the guilt, guilt that I didn’t really know I was feeling, I could love her even more than I do. But when you look at her, she looks back at you with Lex’s smiling green eyes and you just can’t help but be happy. That’s always been Lex’s gift, aside from soccer: he just makes you happy. And Nina’s the same. And, selfishly, always selfishly, I wanted her here for me.” And then she broke.
All the angst, the sorrow, the desolation and devastation, the possibility of utter destruction overwhelmed her and she sobbed, burying her face in her hands.
Amber went to Jo and wrapped her arms around her, holding her while she melted down. Reduced to a shell of a woman who had lost her mate and was about to lose her son.
9
The day had flown by. Six hours of viewing had been filled with hundreds of people paying their respects to Michael Pellitteri. Overwhelmed by having so many people feel the need to say good-bye to his father, Lex spent the day in a euphoric fog, punctuated by the surprise appearance of a number of his teammates, past and present, and his agent, Caroline. Not once, throughout the day, had sadness descended—in fact, he existed in the glow of pride, humility, and happiness—the exact opposite of what he expected. Part of him knew it was because so many people obviously loved his father and they were surrounded with that love. The other part of him waited for the reality to set in, for the grimness of life without his father to take hold.
He didn’t let Lu out of his sight the entire day. Her presence was like a buoy in the ocean, keeping him above the water of sadness. Having her near kept him smiling. His teammates were enchanted with her, and even Caroline, who tended to skewer any woman in a ten mile radius of her athletes, gave Lu a wide berth. Lu radiated an inner joy and contentment that he desperately wanted. He hated that she had it already, without him. He wanted to be the one who lit her up from the inside out.