Letting Go(94)

“So how are things with you and Dash? I have to say, I’ve never seen the man so happy. He’s in a disgustingly good mood every day at work. And he all but races out the door every day between four thirty and five. I don’t think a complete meltdown in the business would force him to stay after hours.”

Chessy giggled. “He’s in looooove. It’s obvious. The man is a complete goner. ‘Stick a fork in him’ done.”

Joss’s cheeks colored as heat rose in her face.

“The question is, are you?” Chessy asked pointedly.

Joss sighed and then rubbed her face with her hands. “Yes. No. I don’t know,” she admitted. “It’s bothered me because I think of Carson less and less. I used to think about him all the time, and now? I’ll go days without even bringing him to mind. Does that make me a terrible person?”

Chessy’s face wrinkled in sympathy. Even Kylie’s expression softened. Both women reached for one of Joss’s hands.

“No, honey, it doesn’t,” Chessy said gently. “You loved Carson and he loved you. But he’s gone. He’s been gone for three years. That’s more than enough time for you to grieve. It’s time to let go and move on with your life. With Dash if he’s who you choose. You have no reason to suffer guilt over not thinking about Carson as much now. It’s normal. You have a new love. Embrace it. Don’t hold back. You can’t live in the past forever.”

“I know I said some horrible things to you, Joss, and I hope you’ll forgive me. I want you to be happy. Truly, I do. As Chessy said, Carson is gone.”

Kylie’s voice broke and she visibly had to collect herself before she continued.

“Dash is a good man. The best. And it’s so obvious he cares deeply for you. If he is who makes you happy, then go for it. Don’t let what I or anyone else thinks hold you back.”

Tears burned Joss’s eyelids as she stared back at the sincerity in her friends’ gazes.

“Thank you,” she choked out. “It’s been weighing on me so heavily. I had dreams a few weeks ago. When things with Dash were just heating up. Right after I moved in with him. And in those dreams, I had the choice of whether to have Carson back or hold on to Dash. And I couldn’t decide,” she said, agony in her voice. “I felt terrible because I’d always dreamed of having Carson back. I would have done anything to make that happen. And yet in my dream, I didn’t take that chance. I hesitated because Dash was there and I didn’t want to lose him.”

“Fuck your dreams,” Chessy said crudely. “They fuck with your mind, and here’s the thing, Joss. You can’t have Carson back, so it was a stupid dream and just your guilt manifesting itself in that dream. Carson is gone. So whether you would choose to have him back is a moot point. You can’t have him back. You’ll never get him back. So what you have to decide is if you’re going to spend the rest of your life grieving for him or if you’re going to take control of your future and not let a man who adores you go.”

“Trust Chessy to open up the can of whoop-ass,” Kylie said in amusement. “But I agree with her here. Carson loved you, Joss. He adored you. There was never any question of that. And I don’t believe for one minute that he’d like what you’re doing to yourself. He’d want you to be happy. I want you to be happy. But you have to want it for yourself.”

Joss nodded. “I love you guys. I’m so glad to see y’all both. I swear I won’t be so absent from now on. You’re too important to me.”

“Bet your ass you won’t,” Chessy muttered. “I’ll come to Dash’s house and haul you out by the hair. I was close to doing just that when you called to invite us to lunch, so consider yourself warned, girlfriend. I won’t be as patient in the future.”

Joss and Kylie both burst into laughter. Joss’s heart lightened as she stared at the women she loved so much. She’d needed this. This time with them and their advice and support. She hadn’t realized just how much the whole situation with Carson and Dash had weighed on her until she’d voiced her issues.

They seemed silly now and maybe she’d needed her friends’ approval even as she cringed over the idea that she couldn’t simply own her choices and move forward. It wasn’t fair to Dash or herself.

“So when are you going to tell him you love him?” Chessy asked curiously.

The question startled Joss because she hadn’t fully admitted the depth of her feelings to herself, much less anyone else. But as she pondered Chessy’s question, she realized that she did. It was there. Maybe it had been there from the start.