Letting Go(108)

She’d found perfection twice in a lifetime, and both times she’d lost it all. How was she supposed to recover from that again?

“I don’t know what to do,” she whispered, pain evident in her voice. “He doesn’t trust me. How can he say he loves me when he doesn’t trust me? Do you know what he accused me of?”

Both women shook their heads. Joss hadn’t told them what Dash had said to her in the hospital. The pain from that accusation had yet to fade in the four days she’d been at Chessy’s house. Hiding.

“He accused me of trying to kill myself. He asked if I’d purposely driven my car into that tree hoping to die.”

Chessy and Kylie both sucked in their breaths but thankfully neither held question in their eyes. They didn’t believe it. Thank God. She couldn’t bear it if her dearest friends also harbored doubts as to her mental stability.

“He thought that life without Carson was so unbearable that I chose to join him in death.”

“Oh, sweetie,” Chessy said, her voice aching with sympathy and pain. “I’m sure he didn’t mean it. You scared him. And after your argument he likely felt horribly guilty. He felt responsible for your accident because he upset you so badly.”

“He lashed out at you because the alternative was accepting the blame for what happened,” Kylie said quietly.

“I have a lot of thinking to do,” Joss murmured. “About my future. And whether or not it will involve Dash. He says . . . He says he loves me and he wants another chance. He’s called, texted, e-mailed, come by here every single day. He swears he’s not giving up. But I don’t know if I can give him another chance. Without his trust, what do we have? A one-sided relationship, where I give all and he gives nothing in return, is not what I want. Yes, I wanted a dominant man. I wanted to give up power and control. But in return for that, I want his love and his trust. And you can’t have one without the other.”

“I agree with you there,” Chessy said carefully. “But the question you have to ask yourself is if you can forgive him his mistake. It was an emotional situation all around. You told me what happened that morning, and, sweetie, I am not taking his side, but I can understand why he would have reacted to what he thought you were feeling when you murmured Carson’s name and seemed so heartbroken the morning after you told Dash you loved him.”

Joss glanced at Kylie, gauging her reaction to Chessy’s statement.

Kylie sighed. “I admit I had reservations at the start. About all of it. What you wanted, what you said you needed. But I felt a hell of a lot better about it when you ended up with Dash, someone I knew would treat you well and I didn’t have to worry about a total stranger abusing you. But you’re good together, Joss. I never imagined you with anyone other than Carson. You two just fit. But you and Dash are . . . perfect. When he’s not being a total dickhead, that is.”

Chessy laughed and Joss smiled, some of the horrible darkness lifting away from her soul.

“I just wish I knew what to do,” Joss said, rubbing at her aching temples. “I’ve gone over it in my head until I’m dizzy with it. I’m so scared of handing complete control back to him and him hurting me again. I’m tired of hurting. I just want to be . . . happy.”

“As I once told you, life is about risk,” Chessy said gently. “You just have to decide which risks are worth it. You’re miserable now. So what’s the difference if you go back to Dash and things don’t work out and you end up miserable then? Either way you’re miserable. But if things work out? You have a shot at bliss.”

“She certainly has a point,” Kylie pointed out. “You’re as much a corpse as Dash is, only he’s walking and you aren’t. How long has it been since you were out of this room, Joss? Have you gotten up even once except to go to the bathroom? You can’t continue like this. Neither of you can. Either make a clean break and end it so you both can move on, or take a chance and put it on the line. You’ll never know until you give him a chance.”

Joss grimaced. “You’re right. You’re both right.” Then she sighed. “I can’t go anywhere right now. I just took those damn pain pills.”

“I can drive you,” Chessy offered. “Just tell me where you want to go and I’ll make it happen.”

Joss sucked in a deep breath. Never had she faced such an important decision. It was simple and yet so very complicated. But her friends were right. She was miserable now. She had a shot at happiness. All she had to do was reach out and take it. Risk it all. Prove to Dash that she had let go of the past. That he was the one who couldn’t let go of it.