Let It Snow(94)

Tessa couldn’t feel her legs, so she wasn’t sure that they would hold her, but she figured that, worst-case scenario, even if she fell flat on her butt, it wouldn’t be any worse that sitting in front of Jake while he did everything but pack her bags for her to get her out of town.

Did she come by to say ‘goodbye’? No, she came by to tell him that she wanted to try. That if he really couldn’t be happy without her, then she would stay. That she loved him and had only ever wanted what was best for him. That she was sorry that she’d wasted years of their lives that they could have spent together, but that if he wanted her, she wouldn’t waste another second by not being with him.

Obviously she wouldn’t be saying those things now, so she just nodded as she swallowed a huge lump in her throat. Standing, she was happy that her legs did not give out on her. Tessa tried to hold the tears that were threatening to fall at bay and keep her voice strong as she said, “I am so glad we got to spend this time together. Thank you, Jake. For everything.”

He didn’t respond. He didn’t get out from behind his desk. The only indication that he’d heard her at all was his jaw locking tightly and the vein on the side of his neck popping out.

Tessa had no idea what he was mad about, but she didn’t want their last conversation to be a fight. So she plastered on her best fake smile and turned to leave.

“Bye, Jake.”

But as her hand touched the doorknob, something stopped her. It was the realization that she still had questions in her mind and she didn’t want to live out the rest of her life wondering about them, even if that meant the last conversation she and Jake had would be a yelling match. She’d made the mistake of not talking things out with Jake when she was seventeen. She was not going to do that again.

Turning back, she asked quickly, before she lost her nerve, “Is that why you told me to say ‘goodbye’ to you before I left yesterday? Because you knew you were going to buy Gran’s house?”

*

Jake didn’t know why Tessa was dragging this out. He’d given her an out. She was free. “I met with Lauren before the wedding. I’d already put an offer on the house.”

“Because you want me to leave?” Tessa asked, her voice shaking like she was the injured party here.

Why am I always the asshole?

“Tessa”—Jake raked his hands through his hair—“I saw it in your eyes yesterday on your porch. You are leaving. Like I said, I just sped up the process.”

“Because you want me to go?” Now tears were falling down her cheeks.

This was ridiculous. Hadn’t he asked—no, begged—her to stay just yesterday?! Jake did not want to fight with her again, but he was really getting pissed off. As calmly as possible, he said, “It doesn’t matter what I want. You’ve made that perfectly clear.”

Tessa still stood on the other side of the room in front of the door. Jake could see her shaking from here, and she was white as a ghost. More than anything, he wanted to go to her, hold her in his arms.

But he couldn’t. He had to start protecting himself. Because when she left, there had to at least be pieces of himself that he could try and put back together to make a life with. A miserable life, but a life.

He saw her draw in a deep breath before she asked, “What if it did matter?”

His heart jumped in his chest. “What do you mean?”

“I mean…” Shaking her head a little, she crossed back to the visitor chair, whispering, “Okay, okay, okay, okay,” to herself and sat down. Her blue eyes looked up at him, and what he saw made a small glimmer of hope twist in his chest. She continued, “What I mean is, what do you want to happen here?”

Jake was confused. He’d thought he could not have made himself any clearer yesterday on the porch. As much as he wanted to see where this was headed, a small part of him was scared that he would pour his heart out and she would walk away. Again.

So instead of answering, he asked, “What do you want to happen here?”

She looked like a deer caught in headlights. Obviously, she had not expected him to turn the tables on her. It wasn’t so fun when you were the one in the hot seat. He waited. Inside he was dying, but he sat there silently. Waiting.

“Well,” she said after what felt like hours, “I was thinking about what you said yesterday…and…”

Jake’s heart started beating faster.

She licked her lips nervously and her gaze dropped to her hands, which she was wringing in her lap. He thought he heard her mumble, “Oh screw it,” under her breath before she looked back up at him with a new fire in her eyes. “I love you. I have never stopped loving you. I only left and stayed away because I wanted the best for you. I wanted you to have everything you’d ever dreamed of.