Jake’s arms were around her, holding her tightly against him just like the night in the truck when he had held her while she’d sobbed. The soothing tone of Jake’s voice as he whispered against her hair, the safety of being held in his arms, and the lulling feeling of being rocked back and forth all worked together to heal a part of Tessa that she’d thought would be broken…forever.
She stayed in the safety of his embrace until she felt a small bit of strength renewing in her. It grew with every gentle caress, every encouraging word, every rock of the swing. When it felt like the emotional storm inside of her had finally passed, Tessa sat up and wiped her eyes a final time. Although it had been painful to revisit the memory and finally say the words out loud to Jake, just like the talk in his truck, she felt like it had been cathartic. Therapeutic even.
Now Jake knew. He knew the truth and he understood why she’d done what she had done. The invisible weight she’d subconsciously been carrying around for the last thirteen years had been lifted off of her shoulders and she felt lighter than a feather.
“I’m so sorry, Tessa,” Jake said as he smoothed some stray hairs off of her damp cheek.
Leaning into his palm, for the first time in a long time, Tessa felt a spark of hope that even if they still couldn’t be together, they could still be friends. That Jake understood now and could forgive her for what she’d done.
Looking earnestly into her eyes, he said, “But I still don’t understand why you left.”
Or not.
She spoke slowly, making sure he understood the finality of her words. “I can’t get pregnant. I can never have children.”
He was still staring at her like she was speaking another language. She really hadn’t thought that she was going to have to connect the dots, but obviously she did.
*
Jake saw that questioning Tessa was making her upset, and honestly, that was the last thing he wanted to do. But he needed to know. Once and for all. No matter how painful. She might be the one crying, but he felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest.
“Wanting to be a dad is all you talked about.” Tessa’s hands flew out of the blanket. “And not just being a dad. But about your Irish-Italian heritage. And how much you loved having siblings and wanted that for your kids. The ones you had already named!”
“That’s why you left?” Jake honestly could not believe what he was hearing. He tried to remain calm. “You left because you couldn’t have kids.”
“Yes!” Tessa threw up her hands in frustration, as if that point should have been clear.
The swing rocked a little, and Jake stared at Tessa. He’d played this talk—the “why Tessa left” talk—over in his mind countless times, but not in a million years had he thought those would be the words coming out of her mouth.
Jake tried to clarify. “You still loved me. And you left.”
“Yes,” she said, tears pooling in her eyes again. “I never stopped loving you. I still love you.”
Jake took in a deep breath as he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, dropping his head in his hands. It had been hard enough for him to deal with the fact that she’d stopped loving him and left. To find out that she hadn’t stopped loving him, that they could have been together, infuriated him.
Raking his fingers through his hair, he counted to ten in his head. He remembered, as a kid, his mom counting to ten when she thought she was going to lose it. It had never really worked that well for her, but he figured he’d give it a try.
After he got to ten, he looked up, straight ahead at the mountain, and asked, “And you’re leaving again. Just because of that.”
“Why are you acting like it’s a little thing, Jake?” Tessa raised her voice, which she rarely did. “I wanted you to have a full life, with kids and a family. You can’t have that with me!”
“And you just made that decision all on your own?! I don’t get a vote in my own life?!” Jake yelled.
Tessa flinched at his words—or at the volume of his voice—and then quietly said through tears streaming down her face, “I know…er…um…knew what you would have said if I’d told you.”
“Really? So you’re a mind reader now too?” Jake could hear himself being a total asshole and he just couldn’t stop it. “So tell me, mind reader! What would I have said?!”
Tessa’s lip trembled as she took a deep breath. “You would have said that you loved me and it didn’t matter. That we would figure it out.”
“Damn right that’s what I would have said!” Jake stood and the swing creaked and swung back. He saw Tessa grab the side as he glared down at her. “Because that’s the truth. It was then and it is now!”