Let It Snow(72)

Tessa’s eyes widened and her back stiffened. Oh, God! Why hadn’t she thought about this when Jake had told her about the service yesterday? Why hadn’t it even crossed her mind? Of course she was going to be asked to speak! That was a no-brainer! But she had been so wrapped up in the emotions of the event—and of Jake, if she were being perfectly honest—that it hadn’t even entered her mind.

Jake, sensing her mounting panic, put a hand to the small of her back in a tiny, comforting gesture. He leaned over to her. “Just speak from the heart,” he whispered in her ear. “You’re in a safe place. Everyone in this room loves you.”

Tessa’s throat went dry at the words.

Everyone? she felt like asking. Everyone…including…you?

She stood up from the pew and made her way up the platform steps on trembling legs. She did not think she had ever felt so many competing emotions at once. But the one that was quickly taking center stage was simply a burning desire to get through all of this without passing out.

She took her place behind the podium and adjusted the small microphone. She looked up at all of the faces staring back at her. They were, down to the last one, tear-stained. She saw real and sincere pain and regret on the visages of every single person in every single pew.

Suddenly, an overwhelming sense of calm washed over her.

Jake was right. This was a safe space. These people loved her—that was true. And they loved Gran, and this was about her.

Suddenly, Tessa smiled. She felt joy bubbling up inside of her unexpectedly, incongruously. She let out a short laugh and knew exactly what to say.

“I can’t tell you how much Grandma Adie would have hated this,” she chuckled, and several more people joined in with her laughter. “All of us standing around, talking about her excellent qualities, putting her at center stage. Oh, she would not have liked that one bit.”

Now the entire chapel was laughing warmly, and Tessa felt her grandmother’s presence in the room, more strongly than she had felt it in years. Tears slipped down her face, but she didn’t mind them. There was also a smile on her lips, and that was the important thing.

“I can’t begin to express how much it means to me to be able to talk about her with people who knew her,” Tessa said as her tears freely fell. “She was the warmest, most caring, most giving person I have ever known. She was the first person to ever love me completely and without judgment or expectation. She was actually the person to teach me what that felt like, and she was the person who taught me that I deserve that. It didn’t matter how big or small an accomplishment was—she was proud and let you know it. I miss her every single day, and… Well, I just can’t tell you how much it means to me to know that there are so many other people who feel the same way.”

As Tessa sat back in the pew next to Jake, she was grateful for the comforting touch of his arm around her shoulders and had to resist the urge to simply bury her face in his neck and collapse against him, seeking the comforting solace only he could provide.

Yes, it was true what she had said—Gran had been the first person to love her completely and without condition. But she hadn’t been the only person to love her that way. Jake had, too.

Gran had been torn from Tessa by a terrible disease beyond either one of their control. But Jake? Well, he was right here. Tessa had thought she had done the right thing by giving him up, that she had done what was best for him. Tessa had been so sure that she had done the only thing she could do if she’d loved him. She had been so convinced there hadn’t been any another option.

Now, she wasn’t so sure.

If losing Gran had taught her anything, wasn’t it that love—true, unconditional, complete love—was a rare thing in this world and she should hold on to it? Or had she been right the first time, that loving Jake had meant stepping aside so he could have what he really wanted—a family?

Tessa had no idea, and after feeling like she’d been through the emotional wringer, she knew that this was not going to be the day to figure it out.

As the service wrapped up, Jake’s mom rushed to Tessa’s side and threw her arms around her. Tessa loved Rosalie and appreciated her and Sean being there today.

Pulling away, Jake’s mom smoothed down Tessa’s hair. “Oh, my Tesero, I’m here if you need me. You know that, right?”

Tessa nodded.

As more people began surrounding them, offering condolences, Jake’s mom excused herself to go get the food set up in the dining hall, but not before making Tessa promise that she’d be at Sunday dinner.

Tessa really wasn’t sure that she could handle it, but of course she had agreed. She didn’t have the heart to disappoint Jake’s mom, even if it meant breaking her heart even more.