Left Behind(19)

Zack turns from our conversation, leaving his back facing me. What the heck did I say this time? Every time I begin enjoying his company, he disappears on me. I’m starting to get familiar with what happens, I just don’t get why it happens. But this time I feel braver and intend to find out.

I walk around, giving Zack no choice but to face me. I grab his hand, hoping to restore our connection…get a reaction of some sort at least. But he looks down at me blankly. “What happened? You were right here with me a minute ago and now you’re gone. Did I say something? Do something?”

He shakes his head, mute.

“Okay. But whatever it was, I can’t promise not to do it again if I don’t even know what I keep doing that upsets you.”

“You don’t upset me.” Zack brings his eyes back to mine, briefly, then looks away again. Whatever it is, it’s causing him pain and I want it to go away. I just want the anguish I see in his eyes to disappear.

“It’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it.” I look down at my watch. “It’s probably time we head to meet the group anyway.” I squeeze his hand and take a step toward the car, our hands still locked. He tightens his grip, but doesn’t move with me. It stops me in my tracks.

“I had a girlfriend,” he begins. His voice is low and he looks down as he speaks. He pauses and I wait anxiously for whatever is to come next.

“Her name was Emily.” Zack lowers himself to the ground and sits on the tuft of grass in front of the car, staring out at the sun setting over an ocean that is bluer than I ever thought it could be.

Forgetting my anxiety about getting so close to Zack, I sit down next to him and wait, knowing that whatever he’s about to share brings him only pain. I want to support him. Just be here for him.

Zack turns to me, and with just enough light left from the setting sun, I see a fullness in his eyes that only fighting back tears can bring. I’m surprised when he speaks. “She was my neighbor for ten years. She died in a car accident six months ago.” And with those two short sentences, Zack has told me more about who he is than a lifetime of words could ever tell me.

I close my eyes, realizing the pain I must have caused when I told him all I ever wanted was a neighbor. Nothing I can say will comfort him…I should know that from experience. So I don’t try to give him words filled with false hope that things will get better, because I’m not sure they will. Instead, I rise to my knees, crawl between his parted legs, wrap my arms around his neck and just hold him. No words. No promises. Just silence and whatever comfort my arms can bring. He’s tense for a few minutes. But I stay steadfast, keeping myself wrapped tightly around him, even if he doesn’t hold me back. Until eventually, his shoulders soften and I hear his muffled tears.

We stay that way until the sun sets behind the ocean and all the light fades away. A lighthouse flashes occasionally in the distance. After a while, Zack pulls back and finds my eyes. “I don’t talk about it, Nikki,” he whispers. “People are afraid to talk to me about it, so they just pretend it didn’t happen. Allie tried to talk to me once, but I shut her out and she knew better than to try again. I don’t want to shut you out. I feel like you understand me. I felt that way even before you told me about your mom.”

I lean my head against his shoulder. A few minutes pass and the flicker of the guiding light off in the distance catches my attention again. “I’ve always been drawn to pictures of lighthouses,” I say. “I never understood why.” As if on cue, it flickers again, revealing itself for a few seconds before it fades back into the darkness. “There’s just something solitary about them, but at the same time they draw people in…guide them…maybe even save a few, just by giving them light in the darkness.” Zack exhales audibly and rests his head against mine.

We stay that way, in the darkness, in silence, the only sound the waves crashing against the shoreline below us. Only thirty minutes pass before we climb back into the car, but it feels like thirty days. We’re close enough now, even in the car, that our bodies touch, but this time there isn’t a sexual energy. It’s different. Acceptance— and understanding. Around Zack, I feel…at home. Like I belong. Something I never thought I’d feel again.





Chapter 24



Zack





The minute the front door opens, I immediately catch on that Keller is wearing a clean shirt and has dosed himself with cologne. My mind darts back to the football field conversation. Keller plans on asking Nikki to the homecoming dance. Shit.

“Hey. Oh, you came together. Okay, great.” Keller raises an eyebrow to me as he lets us in.

“Zack lost a bet and had to buy me dinner,” Nikki says more to tease me than in response to Keller.

“You must have bet Zack that I’d kick his ass in football yesterday,” Keller grabs a Coke from the fridge.

“No, we had a bet as to whether you were actually human. I bet you were, because I was dying to take Nikki to dinner.”

Keller comes at me from behind, grabbing me into a headlock. Lifting his feet, his weight easily brings me to the ground. He hops on top of me like a cat pouncing on a bird. His goofy grin is full the entire time.

“See, he’s not human,” I shove him off of me and climb to my feet to rejoin Nikki.

“Well it’s about time you got here, now get your asses in the den and do some work. You think it’s a coincidence I joined your group?” Keller hoots as we move into the den. “I don’t actually like you. I just know you’ll do the damn work and I can ride on your A.”

“An A? Well if you average that with 4 Ds and 2 Fs, you’re looking at a solid D this semester. I bet that report card makes the refrigerator!” Keller and I have been busting each other’s balls since we met in peewee football. It’s pretty much a requirement to torture a guy when you spend a few hours a day leaning over his ass waiting for the ball to snap.

“Keller is a lot smarter than he wants us all to know,” Allie says climbing off the couch to greet us.

“How dare you, Allie. We’re supposed to be friends and now you’re trying to ruin my reputation,” Keller teases. “I’m going to slip a hunk of beef jerky into your vegan smegan bean salad.”

Allie laughs. “Have you ever tried black bean burgers, Nikki?” She knows she’s not getting anywhere with the rest of us in her quest to convert us all to vegans.

“Uhm, Nikki just ate steak fajitas, Allie. I tried to get her to eat bean curd fajitas but she insisted on the juicy, tender steak. I had no choice but to join her.” I drop onto the couch, pulling Nikki with me.

“To be honest, Allie, until you, I’d never even met a vegan— or a vegetarian, for that matter. The only thing bigger than a Texas hat is a Texas steak. The bigger the better, is the motto.”

“Oh, Nikki, Nikki, Nikki…” Keller jumps to attention. “The bigger the better is a California motto too.” He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively. Nobody laughs louder than Keller laughing at himself.

Nikki’s blush reminds me what a contradiction she is. She can tease with the best of them, but there isn’t a crude bone in her body. And I look over to remind myself what a beautiful body it is.

Busted. Nikki catches my eye and raises a brow. But she clearly isn’t disturbed that I was looking. She’s smiling and…she seems happy. Something changed on that hill tonight. There’s an unspoken bond between us. It’s always been there, we just hadn’t acknowledged it existed.

Oblivious to the way Nikki and I are consumed with each other, Allie continues her rant. “I hope they have vegetarian dishes at the homecoming dance this year. Last year I nearly fainted from hunger. I don’t know how in 2014 there can be a school menu without vegetarian entrees. It’s barbaric”

“Speaking of dances,” Keller jumps to his feet. For a guy who must weigh 250, he hopped to attention pretty damn fast.

“No, Keller, no. We aren’t speaking of dances. We are working on an English Project.” I draw out the words. “Remember?”

Keller, to my surprise, actually gets the hint. But I should have known better than to challenge him with Nikki nearby.

“Looks like somebody changed his mind since yesterday. Decide you’re taking someone to the dance?” he taunts, just as the doorbell pings. From the corner of my eye, I catch Allie’s head flying up. Her gaze bounces between me and Nikki. “Saved By The Bell, Zack. Get it, Zack? Get it?” Keller flounders through his own fit of desperate laughter as he opens the door for Cory, the last member of our group.

***

I’m not sure if she was doing it on purpose, but Nikki kept me distracted most of the night. Sitting next to me on the couch while we argued over what to include in our project, her bare knee brushed up against mine more than once. Each time I looked up at her, she smiled innocently.

It’s after eleven when we finally wrap it up. “Can you give me a ride, Zack?” Allie asks, hesitating slightly. “My car is still in the shop.”

“Sure. Cory?”

“I’m good. Took my brother’s car. Hopefully he didn’t wake up.” Cory smiles.